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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency.  The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there. 
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.  
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This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels. [/quote]

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too. 
[/quote]

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable. [/quote]

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.  
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.  
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.  
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?  [/quote]

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

[/quote]

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.[/quote]

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

[/quote]

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc. [/quote]

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first. [/quote]

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.[/quote]

NP. Take a step back and read what she’s saying. She is not attacking SAHMs. [b]She is saying that OPs husband and men like him pushing women who don’t want to SAH are bullshit.[/b] If you WANT to SAHM, great! If you don’t and your husband makes it impossible for you to work because he is so very important and what you want doesn’t matter, boo!

That’s all. [/quote]

No. She asked why couples sometimes prioritize the man's career over the woman's. I answered. Money. Frequently in these situations (and the OP's seems to fall into this as well) the man is on track to earn a sh*t ton of money if he is able to throw most of his energy at work and doesn't need to work around sick kids or unable to travel, etc. So they say ok he will do that and the wife will take care of the house and kid(s). They think about all that they can offer their kids with more money.

If OP doesn't want to do that, she doesn't have to. She has options, which people have laid out for her. Hire help, go part time, try SAH for a year. She is also free to leave her husband if he is a workaholic who refuses to work less. That is an option as well.[/quote]

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