Husband is so hard on kids' sports

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. I grew up in a house in your situation. I was lucky because my dad couldn’t be bothered with my sport of choice, swimming. He never came to a meet, telling me it wasn’t worth his time until I was swimming in the Olympics.
For my brother, though, he was obsessed and no amount of effort was ever enough. He was always about “tough love”. Every practice, every game, every day.
My brother and father have not spoken to each other for over 20 years. Maybe ask your husband if this is the future relationship he wants with his son.

Katie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much all the women in this thread are truly awful. Glad I'm not married to them.

I'm a man, and a father, and I think OP's husband is awful. What a POS.

[Anonymous]

I have the same husband. It sucks. You need practical advice.

Here is what I did:
1. Find a way that DH never takes them to their games or practices. I would knock myself out to do this. If he’s worse AFTER practice or a game, have him be the one that DROPS them to practice and YOU pick them up. We would drive separately to games quite often (we would meet there after running errands) and the kids ALWAYS chose to ride home with me afterwards. I couldn’t stop my DH from going to games.
2. Talk to the kids individually in private and explain to them that their dad takes it too far and that you’re ALWAYS there to listen when they need to vent. When they need to talk, DROP EVERYTHING RIGHT THEN to listen. It will be at inconvenient times for you but keep your word to them.

People rarely change. Focus on your kids well-being.

My kids want to have a better relationship with their dad and they do love him — kids are wired that way. It breaks my heart when they say they’d rather have him be there for them than buy them things. You have to be the buffer. I don’t have a great marriage as a result of his ridiculous criticizing, but my kids are protected. My husband always provides for all their physical needs but unfortunately he falls short of being what they need. It makes my heart sink to know others have to go through this too. Hang in there. You sound like a strong person. I can tell that you care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much all the women in this thread are truly awful. Glad I'm not married to them.

On behalf of the women on this thread, no worries. The feeling is mutual.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is definitely missing the point of rec sports. If this was something where the kid was on the path to the pros or even a D1 scholarship, then I could maybe see it. But if Little Johnny is in the rec soccer league, it's just a chance to get some exercise, have some fun, learn some teamwork and all that other good stuff. Compared to those things, becoming the most technically proficient dribbler really isn't going to pay off in adulthood.

I think what's going on is that your DH comes from a worldview where a boy's proficiency at sports determines the kid's value as a human being. Maybe his rational brain doesn't think that, but deep down at a lizard brain level, I think that's the worldview that gets pounded into a lot of us. Certainly that's how I grew up. From ages 13 - 18 when good grades weren't much remarked on by anyone, the pretty girls all liked the athletes, the stronger boys were at the top of the pecking order, sports and not academics was the topic of conversation at the dinner table -- all of that leaves a mark.

So, he probably is tormenting your son because he cares. He just has an f'd up worldview about the role of sports.

[Anonymous]

When are parents like this going to realize that 99% of kids are never going to get a college scholarship or even be in the Olympics? People who get to this level are outliers. Let them enjoy sports, learn from them, and stop being the little league or hockey dad that nobody can stand.

[Anonymous]

OP, two things I noticed here that no one mentioned. 1. it's fantastic you offer kids a safe space, but I would definitely encourage DCs to never speak derogatorily about their dad. You'd want him to do the same if they ever went to him about you. I'm divorced and DS speaks badly of his dad to me all the time and I tell him it's one thing to complain about his behavior, it's another to tell me he's annoying or an asshole. Not OK.

2. DH might be overcompensating because he feels like if he did things a certain way, his life would have been different. Your kids need to understand that dad is human, and your DH needs to understand that this is not his battle. He's to show the kids an example of hard work, he's to help them when needed, but leave the preaching to the preachers.

[Anonymous]

My DH is kind of similar but I do stress to him that he’s not helping/ making it worse and he does actually acknowledge it and try to stop. I suppose it helps that I was the D1 athlete not DH so he thinks my sport advice is somewhat legit

I think my DH knows the critique is better coming from someone else (coach) rather than him.

One of my kids’ swim coaches said let the critique come from us - they need you to be the parent. That said - I do know it’s tough when you don’t think the coach is offering any critique either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much all the women in this thread are truly awful. Glad I'm not married to them.

we are very glad not to be married to you, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is kind of similar but I do stress to him that he’s not helping/ making it worse and he does actually acknowledge it and try to stop. I suppose it helps that I was the D1 athlete not DH so he thinks my sport advice is somewhat legit

I think my DH knows the critique is better coming from someone else (coach) rather than him.

One of my kids’ swim coaches said let the critique come from us - they need you to be the parent. That said - I do know it’s tough when you don’t think the coach is offering any critique either.

I'm a rec league coach. I offer some critiques, but probably not as many as a parent who is very knowledgeable of the sport would want. I have a working knowledge of soccer but, frankly, I'm far from an expert. I'm a father who agreed to coach when it looked like very few other parents were. Nine years later, I'm still doing it. Parents keep requesting to have the same kids be on my team, so I guess I'm doing something ok. My hope is that kids who had a need for high level training in soccer aren't relying on me or the rec league to get it done. And if one of the parents has a higher level of knowledge about how to teach soccer and wants to coach, I'm perfectly willing to step aside or step down to assistant. Lots of coaching opportunities for parents who are able and willing to put in the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of stories out there about how the best thing a parent can do after practice / a game is say nothing.

There's some well known study (? I don't know if that's the right word) from a few years back that says kids say the worst part of sports is the car ride home. I remember it made the rounds when my kids were smaller and had a big impact on both me and my husband - we really try NOT to analyze the game now.

So yeah, what your husband is doing is clearly alienating your child. So sad. I'd do everything not to have him be the pick up parent, which I know is hard.

See if you can start finding articles that discuss this, and just start forwarding them to DH. It may also be that your kids' coaches have some resources - my kids' soccer league constantly sends things out about being a good sports parent.

I'd escalate this with your DH, to be honest, to the point where I'd insist on couple's counseling. He is really harming his relationship with the kids, and he's doing lasting damage to them, and to your relationship too.

I was this dad and this coach. It took my own children choosing any opportunity to ride home with someone else to wake me up. You have to find a way to praise what they did well. It's not that you can't criticize but you need to praise first and find a way to push them toward improvement. I learn that both boys and girls are better when they believe they are good at the sport. They think less and just react more (I know that thinking is a good thing normally but in many sports, thinking slows you down).

I'd get in the car after my son just led his team in scoring on the way to a big win and I'd start talking about the shots he missed. I thought it was implied how great he did and how proud I was of him and I wanted to help him fix the mistakes so he could get even better. What he heard was me being unhappy with his performance.

Because I was lucky enough to have kids that excelled at some sports, it was easier to handle encouraging them in the ones where they weren't as proficient. Hey, you played great defense. You might be the best defender on the team. I loved your hustle out there. Then on an off day, I might say, "hey, you want to work on your shot?" or "Hey, want to learn some cool footwork stuff you can work on?"

I think the key is getting him to recognize it in a non-confrontational way. Not everyone can handle this approach. Unfortunately for many of us, all of our male role models (Dads, uncles, older brothers, coaches, teachers) handled things like your husband. If you couldn't "hack it", you weren't cut out for the sport anyway.

[Anonymous]

Most Dads who are like this felt that they underachieved as athletes and want to relive their careers through their children. Does he ever berate your kids in front of the coaches or other Dads? If so, they may be able to help him see the light. The damage he is doing will be long lasting on both the children as athletes as well as in their relationship with him. Rather than pushing them he should be teaching them how to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is kind of similar but I do stress to him that he’s not helping/ making it worse and he does actually acknowledge it and try to stop. I suppose it helps that I was the D1 athlete not DH so he thinks my sport advice is somewhat legit

I think my DH knows the critique is better coming from someone else (coach) rather than him.

One of my kids’ swim coaches said let the critique come from us - they need you to be the parent. That said - I do know it’s tough when you don’t think the coach is offering any critique either.

I'm a rec league coach. I offer some critiques, but probably not as many as a parent who is very knowledgeable of the sport would want. I have a working knowledge of soccer but, frankly, I'm far from an expert. I'm a father who agreed to coach when it looked like very few other parents were. Nine years later, I'm still doing it. Parents keep requesting to have the same kids be on my team, so I guess I'm doing something ok. My hope is that kids who had a need for high level training in soccer aren't relying on me or the rec league to get it done. And if one of the parents has a higher level of knowledge about how to teach soccer and wants to coach, I'm perfectly willing to step aside or step down to assistant. Lots of coaching opportunities for parents who are able and willing to put in the time.

I do think that’s true too. Sorry if it sounded like I was being a jerk about it. We do our share of coaching too. And fwiw we pay a lot for that swim team - I don’t consider it “travel” but it probably is for all intents and purposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is definitely missing the point of rec sports. If this was something where the kid was on the path to the pros or even a D1 scholarship, then I could maybe see it. But if Little Johnny is in the rec soccer league, it's just a chance to get some exercise, have some fun, learn some teamwork and all that other good stuff. Compared to those things, becoming the most technically proficient dribbler really isn't going to pay off in adulthood.

I think what's going on is that your DH comes from a worldview where a boy's proficiency at sports determines the kid's value as a human being. Maybe his rational brain doesn't think that, but deep down at a lizard brain level, I think that's the worldview that gets pounded into a lot of us. Certainly that's how I grew up. From ages 13 - 18 when good grades weren't much remarked on by anyone, the pretty girls all liked the athletes, the stronger boys were at the top of the pecking order, sports and not academics was the topic of conversation at the dinner table -- all of that leaves a mark.

So, he probably is tormenting your son because he cares. He just has an f'd up worldview about the role of sports.

His behavior isn’t acceptable even if the kid was headed towards a D1 scholarship.

[Anonymous]

^he is doing this to a 9 yr old playing rec. needs to chill unless he wants his kid to quit.