Husband is so hard on kids' sports

[Anonymous]

9 yo DS is such a good kid, does awesome in school and has tons of friends, but DH is fixated on sports. So when DS brings home a great report card, it's expected and gets no praise.
The thing is, DS is decent, but is not and probably will never be, a phenomenal athlete. That means on every car ride back from practice, DS has to listen to DH go on and on. Yesterday was (according to him), "You've been doing this for over a year now and you aren't getting better. You need to try harder." 80% of the time when he gets home from practice, from being with DH in the car, DS is on the verge of tears. If DS was a bad athlete, it might be better because DH would give up but now DH just pushes him so hard.

We have 3 kids so I can't always be the one to pick kids up from practice. Sometimes it's 7 yo DD who comes home from gymnastics in tears because of DH's pep talk. I have tried so many times to get DH to understand that he needs to back off but he just does not see it. I don't understand how he can't see that he's being that cliche horrible dad that makes his kids never want to try anything anymore, but I have come to the conclusion that he honestly can not help himself from saying all this crap and it has to do with how he was brought up. It drives me crazy and it's the #1 thing we argue about. I try to be a safe place for my kids and let them vent about DH. Yesterday DS told me, "When I get so mad, in my head I call him a fat motherf*cker." It was quite a shock to hear my good kid use that language and when I asked him where he heard that phrase from, he said, "That's what Hamilton called John Adams and you said that was the worst thing you could call someone."

Anyone else have to deal with something similar? It makes me so angry and I don't want to be near DH on days like that, and honestly none of the kids want to be near him either.

[Anonymous]

Nip it in the bud now, and that means your DH's behavour. My father was exactly like your DH, but with regards to academics. If it was an A, he'll ask if there was an A+. When I reached adulthood, I just snapped and cursed him out and he was all shock that I had that in me. Our relationship was never the same since and he felt afraid of me since.

[Anonymous]

There are a few ways this will play out if nothing changes:

Your kids will shut down and refuse to play sports anymore, robbing themselves of a very fun/worthwhile experience.
Your kids will grow up silently resenting their father.
Your kids will grow up vocally resenting their father.

Sit down with DH and confront him, calmly but very firmly. Do not flinch or back down. Tell him the harm he's doing to the children and you're going to do all you can to protect them.

[Anonymous]

My DH used to remind me about let our kids have fun. Sometimes I forgot that kids play for fun, and I am for competitions. But I am not the one who plays. Your DH isn't the one that play on the field either. He needs to be reminded that.

Here is 3 images that for parents of hockey players: https://cdn4.sportngin.com/attachments/photo/3747/5818/justagame.jpg

I was shocked the first time I went to see a mite game (8U ice hockey game). Some parents of little 6U were nuts, they shouted eff and bees at each other just for watching kids playing.

[Anonymous]

Tell your kid to record him every time. But seriously, explain to your kids that their dad is being extreme with that criticism. They should not take it seriously and the opinions of people like that should be viewed as their own issues and not absorbed by the subject. He does have issues if you’ve told him to stop repeatedly and he cannot.

[Anonymous]

Are you with them when it happens? Speak up in the moment. After the kids leave the car almost in tears, ask your husband: Did you see his face? Do you see what you are doing? Try to force him to confront what he's doing very concretely.

[Anonymous]

I am glad you realize it is your job to protect your children. Their father is doing damage and I would insist on therapy or counseling. Hoping someone who has found help can be a source.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of stories out there about how the best thing a parent can do after practice / a game is say nothing.

There's some well known study (? I don't know if that's the right word) from a few years back that says kids say the worst part of sports is the car ride home. I remember it made the rounds when my kids were smaller and had a big impact on both me and my husband - we really try NOT to analyze the game now.

So yeah, what your husband is doing is clearly alienating your child. So sad. I'd do everything not to have him be the pick up parent, which I know is hard.

See if you can start finding articles that discuss this, and just start forwarding them to DH. It may also be that your kids' coaches have some resources - my kids' soccer league constantly sends things out about being a good sports parent.

I'd escalate this with your DH, to be honest, to the point where I'd insist on couple's counseling. He is really harming his relationship with the kids, and he's doing lasting damage to them, and to your relationship too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nip it in the bud now, and that means your DH's behavour. My father was exactly like your DH, but with regards to academics. If it was an A, he'll ask if there was an A+. When I reached adulthood, I just snapped and cursed him out and he was all shock that I had that in me. Our relationship was never the same since and he felt afraid of me since.

I cannot "nip it in the bud." When I have told DH to cut it out, he doesn't listen to me and doesn't care what I say. He feels he's doing the right thing and I am the one that's wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if a similar thing happened in adulthood between DH and DS to be honest, and I don't know how to make DH see things any other way. Do you feel love and affection for you father now, as an adult? What was your mom like when you were young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a few ways this will play out if nothing changes:

Your kids will shut down and refuse to play sports anymore, robbing themselves of a very fun/worthwhile experience.
Your kids will grow up silently resenting their father.
Your kids will grow up vocally resenting their father.

Sit down with DH and confront him, calmly but very firmly. Do not flinch or back down. Tell him the harm he's doing to the children and you're going to do all you can to protect them.

I have actually. I have done pretty much this exact thing. The upshot is DH still acts the way he does and I try to be super supportive (wrt sports, at least) to provide balance. DH might hold back or tone it down for a practice or two after we have one of our fights, but he inevitably returns to his old ways.

[Anonymous]

As a PP mentioned - most kids quit sports because of the car ride home.

Google it.

Here's one link:

https://www.todaysparent.com/blogs/keeping-your-kid-in-sports-begins-with-the-car-ride-home/

Your husband is ruining the experience of sports for them, period. You need to tell him and the kids need to tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH used to remind me about let our kids have fun. Sometimes I forgot that kids play for fun, and I am for competitions. But I am not the one who plays. Your DH isn't the one that play on the field either. He needs to be reminded that.

Here is 3 images that for parents of hockey players: https://cdn4.sportngin.com/attachments/photo/3747/5818/justagame.jpg

I was shocked the first time I went to see a mite game (8U ice hockey game). Some parents of little 6U were nuts, they shouted eff and bees at each other just for watching kids playing.

DH doesn't act like that, he's not one of the crazy parents on the sidelines. It's the after practice/game talk that is bad. DH would say, "I know I'm not the one playing, I'm trying to get DS/DD to be better for themselves." Something along those lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of stories out there about how the best thing a parent can do after practice / a game is say nothing.

There's some well known study (? I don't know if that's the right word) from a few years back that says kids say the worst part of sports is the car ride home. I remember it made the rounds when my kids were smaller and had a big impact on both me and my husband - we really try NOT to analyze the game now.

So yeah, what your husband is doing is clearly alienating your child. So sad. I'd do everything not to have him be the pick up parent, which I know is hard.

See if you can start finding articles that discuss this, and just start forwarding them to DH. It may also be that your kids' coaches have some resources - my kids' soccer league constantly sends things out about being a good sports parent.

I'd escalate this with your DH, to be honest, to the point where I'd insist on couple's counseling. He is really harming his relationship with the kids, and he's doing lasting damage to them, and to your relationship too.

Thank you, I will look for these resources. DH actually has attended coaches clinics (he coaches DS's rec baseball team) and YES, all the experts say the same thing but somehow he just can't follow that for his own kids. He's actually a good coach for the other kids.

Your last line is so correct. He is harming his relationships with everyone in the family. I wonder how to bring up couples counseling, I feel like we really need it but I can imagine DH's response and it is just exhausting to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your kid to record him every time. But seriously, explain to your kids that their dad is being extreme with that criticism. They should not take it seriously and the opinions of people like that should be viewed as their own issues and not absorbed by the subject. He does have issues if you’ve told him to stop repeatedly and he cannot.

I have, this is the tactic I've chosen to take. I tell my kids that Daddy gets a little crazy about their sports because he really wants them to do good and he knows that they can. But sometimes Daddy is too much and when he goes on and on, just nod and say, "Yes, Dad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's not going to hurt DS if DH pushes him to excel. He does not "need" to back off just because you want him to.

Do you even watch the practice? Is DS not trying as hard as he can? What if DH is (gasp) actually correct that there is an effort problem.

I try to be a safe place for my kids and let them vent about DH.

Yeah, that's nice. Alienate your kids from their dad. You actually do need to stop that shit.

I worried about that, I always believed that parents should be a united front and in everything else, I back DH up and vice versa. But this is one area that I truly believe he is doing harm, he does not see it that way, and we completely disagree. I actually do watch the practices when I can, and sometimes I do think, Huh, he (or DD) should be able to do better. The difference is I don't rant on and on and I don't bring my kids to tears, and I don't want DH to continue to do that either.