Husband is so hard on kids' sports

[Anonymous]

My husband pulled this shit and I stopped it full stop. For a full 3 years my husband went to ZERO games, practices, meets, scrimmages NADA. I told him if he wanted to stay married to me he better make sure I never see him any any sporting event ever. I have 4 kids and this meant I used almost all my PTO those years making sure everyone got everywhere but I was not going to ruin my kids childhoods over my husbands "competitiveness". He finally snapped out of it and asked to start going to stuff but my one son still says no and he knows thats his right. I really would have left my husband over it too, I wasn't bullshitting. I won't let anyone talk down to my kids under the disguise of sports. Sports should give your child confidence, not take it away! We are a zero sum family. We know the score doesn't matter and getting exercise, making friends, and building skills are what matters. We really came together as a family and shamed my husband which is what needed to happen.

[Anonymous]

A 9 year old might be old enough to say something like “Dad, I think you might want to play your own sport and do it your way. That way you can be competitive and perfect for yourself, rather than trying to get me to be perfect.”

If DS can’t say something like that, maybe you can suggest that he work on his own game, and maybe he’ll stop living through the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is HORRIBLE, not for expecting progress, but for criticizing instead of coaching, or paying for a coach. He cannot expect a child to magically divine how to get better. Certain kids need very specific and hands-on instruction and more practice than other kids.

He needs to accept who his child is and understand how to work with him constructively, otherwise he's just going to be one of these abusive and detested parents who never get visited in nursing homes.

My husband used to be this way, over academics, and I told him EXACTLY that. He backed off.

OP here. Well, the truth is that DH is actually willing to give hands-on instruction. He takes DS to do throwing/catching/soccer in the backyard all the time. Often, DS does not want to go and I can't blame him. For example, DH and DS were out at 7am in the back yard throwing today. But DH can't help himself and critiques just about every throw. So for every "better" or "that's good" there are about 15-20, "No, elbow higher!" "Glove in front, how can you catch like that?" "What are you doing, stop spinning your glove." etc. Like, DH feels he *is* being constructive and therein lies the conflict.

I think you need to make it safe/ok for your kids to refuse to participate with him/in sports based on this.

I might also do what the last poster suggested - you take over all the driving, etc. Just put your foot down and don't allow these interactions to occur. I am in no way blaming you b/c this is your a-hole husband's problem, but talk is not cutting it. He's not going to get it through his head until there are consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nip it in the bud now, and that means your DH's behavour. My father was exactly like your DH, but with regards to academics. If it was an A, he'll ask if there was an A+. When I reached adulthood, I just snapped and cursed him out and he was all shock that I had that in me. Our relationship was never the same since and he felt afraid of me since.

I cannot "nip it in the bud." When I have told DH to cut it out, he doesn't listen to me and doesn't care what I say. He feels he's doing the right thing and I am the one that's wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if a similar thing happened in adulthood between DH and DS to be honest, and I don't know how to make DH see things any other way. Do you feel love and affection for you father now, as an adult? What was your mom like when you were young?

My mom was the very stereotypical subservient boomer wife. While she didn't play along with my dad's stuff, she definitely didn't defy him in front of me -- I don't know what was said behind closed doors and whether she told him to wind it down. Things are different now since I'm in my 30s, but I definitely feel that he's supressing a lot of his pent up emotions.

You said that he feels he's doing the right thing and you're in the wrong and you don't know how to make him see things your way. Well that's because he has blinders on and is an intimidating figure to his children. What if you relayed the message your son told you? Would that prove him wrong otherwise and actually see what he hasn't? My dad acted like the alpha male in the family and he really needed to be put in his place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe telling your husband what your son wanted to say would scare him straight?

He is doing serious damage to his relationship with his kids. I’d either require therapy or pull the kids from sports for a while.

OP here. God, it's tempting to do that but at the same time I worry about the nuclear reaction it might spark. I would honestly be a little worried for DS's welfare if I told DH that. (Emotional, not physical, but equally serious.)

So then it’s not just this one issue, with sports. He is capable of emotional abuse. This has to affect other aspects of family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, it's not going to hurt DS if DH pushes him to excel. He does not "need" to back off just because you want him to.

Do you even watch the practice? Is DS not trying as hard as he can? What if DH is (gasp) actually correct that there is an effort problem.

I try to be a safe place for my kids and let them vent about DH.

Yeah, that's nice. Alienate your kids from their dad. You actually do need to stop that shit.

DP Why do the kids need to "try harder?" What if they are doing their best and having fun? Dad needs to back off unless he wants them to quit.

[Anonymous]

I would ask your husband to stop coaching.

This sounds like a miserable way to live.

If you must stay, I would tell DH that I promised DS that he’s allowed to listen to music (on headphones) on the way home from sports. That way they don’t have to talk.

Still, seems really really miserable. I’m not one to suggest therapy right of the bat, but this daily dynamic of constant criticism drains the joy out of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe telling your husband what your son wanted to say would scare him straight?

He is doing serious damage to his relationship with his kids. I’d either require therapy or pull the kids from sports for a while.

OP here. God, it's tempting to do that but at the same time I worry about the nuclear reaction it might spark. I would honestly be a little worried for DS's welfare if I told DH that. (Emotional, not physical, but equally serious.)

don't do that. your child trusted you and told you something he knows he could not tell him father. if you tell your husband, how do you think the next ride home is going to be? and your child will learn that he cannot trust you ever again when he needs help and will keep things for himself and find other people outside of the family to trust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband pulled this shit and I stopped it full stop. For a full 3 years my husband went to ZERO games, practices, meets, scrimmages NADA. I told him if he wanted to stay married to me he better make sure I never see him any any sporting event ever. I have 4 kids and this meant I used almost all my PTO those years making sure everyone got everywhere but I was not going to ruin my kids childhoods over my husbands "competitiveness". He finally snapped out of it and asked to start going to stuff but my one son still says no and he knows thats his right. I really would have left my husband over it too, I wasn't bullshitting. I won't let anyone talk down to my kids under the disguise of sports. Sports should give your child confidence, not take it away! We are a zero sum family. We know the score doesn't matter and getting exercise, making friends, and building skills are what matters. We really came together as a family and shamed my husband which is what needed to happen.

frankly OP should probably consider this approach. it does not seem that her husband is going to improve, especially given the BS about teaching life skills and kids becoming losers and so on. OP should ask her kids if they still want to do sports, if they say no, they can stop and she needs to fight the war with the husband not the kids. when the husband takes the kid at 7am to the backyard and the kid does not want to go she should step in. sounds like the only way to protect the kids is really getting into a gigantic fight but the alternative is letting the husband ruin the kids and eventually the family. he can coach other kids if he likes but he should leave his kids alone. pushing kids a little may be ok, we all do it here and there, sometimes more than we should, but having 7 and 9 yr old kids coming home in tears from being in the car with dad is awful. and OP;s son is clearly harboring huge resentment against his father, given choice words he had for his father, things are going to go out of control when kids are teens and sports become a lot more competitive. better going to war now than getting a divorce in a few years with kids hating the father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband pulled this shit and I stopped it full stop. For a full 3 years my husband went to ZERO games, practices, meets, scrimmages NADA. I told him if he wanted to stay married to me he better make sure I never see him any any sporting event ever. I have 4 kids and this meant I used almost all my PTO those years making sure everyone got everywhere but I was not going to ruin my kids childhoods over my husbands "competitiveness". He finally snapped out of it and asked to start going to stuff but my one son still says no and he knows thats his right. I really would have left my husband over it too, I wasn't bullshitting. I won't let anyone talk down to my kids under the disguise of sports. Sports should give your child confidence, not take it away! We are a zero sum family. We know the score doesn't matter and getting exercise, making friends, and building skills are what matters. We really came together as a family and shamed my husband which is what needed to happen.

This. Your DH cannot control himself and is adding nothing but misery. That said, many parents do this basically ruining their relationship with their kid. The kid grows up and realize what a jerk their parent is. There is literally a roster of “jerk” parents like this in every sport.

- signed parent of nationally ranked kid who tries hard not to be “that parent”.

[Anonymous]

He needs to read Mike Matheny’s book, Matheny Manifesto. Stat.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. I grew up in a house in your situation. I was lucky because my dad couldn’t be bothered with my sport of choice, swimming. He never came to a meet, telling me it wasn’t worth his time until I was swimming in the Olympics.
For my brother, though, he was obsessed and no amount of effort was ever enough. He was always about “tough love”. Every practice, every game, every day.
My brother and father have not spoken to each other for over 20 years. Maybe ask your husband if this is the future relationship he wants with his son.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 children. One is an athlete. One is not. They both play multiple sports. All I say to them is “I love to watch you play.”

I was an athlete in high school and my father was awful. He made my life miserable and I quit everything after my senior year even though I could have played 1 sport in college.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite perspective and same conclusion. I was played a year-round travel sport as a youth, went to nationals each year, etc., and earned a full ride to a D1 university, was a starter all four years, all-American, and so on. It was a highly competitive environment from age 10 through 21.

There wasn't a single time, not one time, where either of my parents commented negatively, critiqued, or gave any indication of anything other than 100% support. It was absolutely critical to my development and love of the sport. Coaching is for coaches.

On the flip side, I played with athletes whose parents were total nightmares. We felt so, so bad for our peers having to live with that pressure. The pressure is bad enough! The recruiting process at age 14 is hard enough!

If your husband cannot separate being a "dad" from being a coach, he cannot coach. Period. You need to take responsibility for the benefit of your family and shut. it. down.

[Anonymous]

Pretty much all the women in this thread are truly awful. Glad I'm not married to them.