Divorce over chores and WOHM

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you buy so much and why do you shop for Christmas a year in advance? Most people don't do that.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you do have a bit of a problem and this isn't just chores. If you aren't a Level 1 hoarder you sound like Level 0.9. It may also be true that your DH is not pulling his weight in childcare and regular chores, but you seem to have accumulated more than most people do.

Do you bring objects home with you when you visit your family?

[Anonymous]

Hire help for cleaning and start throwing stuff away. My DH wants to keep everything, I just throw my or kids' stuff out. I do at times throw his disgusting white undershirts and he does not even notice. I just buy him a new pack...lol...

[Anonymous]

I’m team DW here. Note she has not answered what her DH does around the house. Seems like...nada? Completely unacceptable. I don’t think this sounds like hoarding so much as one WOHM also trying to manage all the household stuff. It’s miserable keeping up with sorting out kid clothes and toys and gear, managing what needs to get returned to the store, making sure you don’t run out of TP, and on and on with all the cognitive and physical labor of keeping a house running. OP doesn’t have enough time/energy to manage it all 100% herself and she shouldn’t have to. The clutter is the spillover.

OP: make a plan w DH to outsource childcare for a stretch so that you can jointly dedicate some time to a big clearing out and organizing effort (sorting, donating, trashing, etc) and then figure out how to divvy up household tasks going forward in a way that is manageable between the two of you and paid help.

Also, DH needs to get realistic about the fact that stuff for a busy family needs a place to live. If you are a family of readers, he should make his peace with bookshelves full of books. Etc. Figuring out where clutter accumulates normally is a clue to how your family uses the house and where storage or am organizational system is needed.

[Anonymous]

Op, can you pay for a storage space at a facility? Keep at least the seasonal crap there. Cheaper than divorce.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t have kids clothing and toys at such a volume they spill into the master bedroom and guest bedroom. You shouldn’t perpetually have crafting materials on the dining table. Your DH is right that it’s a problem and it sounds like it’s not his problem (he isn’t the one over-buying). Maybe look into hiring a professional organizer.

[Anonymous]

I am married to a neat freak. We have house cleaners, nanny and cook who all clean and DH is still complaining about clutter and toys. We have a four car garage where one bay is used for storage and it bothers DH immensely. We have 3 kids and he wants no toys on the main level. He is constantly barking at kids to clean up.

My DH would divorce you over messiness.

Just get cleaners and stop buying shit in advance. Why would you have bought next years gifts already? Seems like an easy solution.

[Anonymous]

And your title is misleading. You should watch tidying up on Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn’t have kids clothing and toys at such a volume they spill into the master bedroom and guest bedroom. You shouldn’t perpetually have crafting materials on the dining table. Your DH is right that it’s a problem and it sounds like it’s not his problem (he isn’t the one over-buying). Maybe look into hiring a professional organizer.

Organizing and keeping kid clutter clothes toys crafts picked up IS the DHs problem and the OPs problem. This isn’t her personal stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you pay for a storage space at a facility? Keep at least the seasonal crap there. Cheaper than divorce.

No, don’t do this. Hire a professsional organizer and get rid of crap. Also recommend Marie Kondo on Netflix.

[Anonymous]

You need help with the daily clean-up so you can tackle the backlog of purging and organizing. I feel the same way picking up after my DH (inside-out socks, messy countertop in our shared bathroom, leaves empty soda cans and half-drunk glasses wherever he last left them) and our three teen/tweens. I have worked with an organizer who specially in "chronic disorganization" (yes, that is a NAPO categorization) to help me sort out the piles of gathered-up stuff when we host brunches and dinners, which then just sit where they landed in the room-that-shall-not-be-named. If you are local in DC, call Jill Lawrence at jillofalltradesdc.com. I took personal days from work so we could sort through things together. Yes, it is unreasonable for ANY couple to expect only one to do all the work, and to do so with no assistance. A competent couples counselor will help you and your DH to figure out which tasks you are each best suited to handle (grocery shopping, pet care, kids' baths, unloading the dishwasher etc). Good luck and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What part of the house does your DH clean? If it is all on you, and he is wanting a minimalist house without the work of it- then he is delusional.

I agree that couple therapy is due and he needs to step up with 50% of the cleaning OR get over his reluctance to outside paid help. You also need to hire an organizer to help you get rid of all the old kids stuff and organize the rest.

OP here: Yes, DH is delusional! Thank you! I’m the one who wants to stay married and not seethe and resent DH, so I’m trying to solicit how others might feel. I seek to understand. I also recognize I’m delusional...I just don’t “see”the clutter as a problem.

He does nearly nothing around the house as related to daily chores. One of our biggest fights was over all the work a new baby requires.

Me: Crying and yelling because dishwasher was loaded but wasn’t run and I have no clean bottles, after I asked him to do the dishes. I felt like I had to do everything
He: Why are you mad...I’m doing everything you tell me.
Me: If you can’t figure out the baby needs to eat again soon and needs a clean bottle, washed pump flange, etc., then I am just too tired to even begin to explain. Run the goddamn dishwasher on half cycle instead of waiting for a full load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the neatnick spouse of a boarder-line hoarder who was raised by hoarders. I know what you are facing and trying to do is HARD. Good for you.

I just wanted to give you a little insight into how your husband may experience clutter. To you, clutter is comfortable. To me, clutter is suffocating. It walk into a room where there are things where they shouldn't be makes me feel like I walked into a room without air. Its funny, because I feel that way in my own house, but really I couldn't care less about anyone else's house. I can have dinner over at a friend's house with clutter everywhere and it doesn't bother me in the slightest - but I don't want to live there. In my own house, I cannot feel relaxed and comfortable until things are tidy. Coming home to laundry on the couch would break me - I want to sit on the couch, and not be reminded of chores! Your husband must feel constantly suffocated and stressed if he is anything like me.

What we've done in my house is be very minimal about what comes in. We don't shop in big box stores, and for things like clothes and toys the rule is that if the new thing doesn't fit in existing storage, something must go so the new thing fits. There may be no piles, no stacks, no things with no homes. Since my husband would hoard if left to himself, that means we have quarterly cleaning parties. I pull all his clothes out of the dresser and closet and pile them on the bed, and I hold each thing up one by one and make him decide. I push him if he refuses to give things up, but usually he does. Then we fold together and everything gets put away. I do the same with his books. My son and I both throw things away easily, so we both just get rid of things on a regular basis.

We split housework pretty evenly, but we do it in ways that play to our strengths - I cook and clean. He does all laundry, grocery shopping, kid pickup and dropoff, and finances. We both work full time.

OP here: Your post has very useful information and insight.
Thanks for sharing

[Anonymous]

If my DH kept laundry on the sofa I would throw it at his head. Who does that? Get yourself together OP.

[Anonymous]

Also wanting a house without clutter on wverybhorizontal surface and toys underfoot in every room, to the point where “puppet making sequins” and sh*t is not put away, is not him being a neatnik or minimalist. It’s you creating and living in a pigsty. You said yourself you CAN’T SIT ON YOUR OWN SOFA. WTF. You are the problem here.