Husband doesn’t want to adopt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

OP, I get it. I know it hurts very much. Sometimes men have unreasonable views on fertility treatments. Your husband is NOT unreasonable in his preference for a bio child. That would be best all around.

I've been through something like this where my DH just refused to have a second child, and I was 40 at the time so I felt we was precluding my chance at a family I wanted, and we agreed upon. The best advice I can give you is that things change, sometimes in a matter of months. It's not a bad idea to take the pressure off for a few months and then gently bring it up again. No good will come of you hammering him every day if things have reached a sore point. I know it feels like you're old and this has to be done RIGHT NOW but trust me, you can shelve the matter for a few months. It's not life and death.

For us, DH reconsidered and I had my second child at 42 and THIRD at 45.

[Anonymous]

NP. Just wanted to reassure you, OP, that many fertility treatments are not IVF. They really run the gamut and can be as "low tech" as timed intercourse with Clomid (or a similar drug that boosts ovulation) or unmedicated IUI (which is how I had my first child). As others have pointed out, you could get an HSG and that could be enough too. IVF is your hardcore, intensive option and you both could just decide in advance not to go there. But there is a giant range in fertility treatments, some of which are fairly simple, and there's no reason not to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

OP, I feel your pain. He's sending very conflicting messages. He says he wants to have a child but only under very specific circumstances, so it must make you question whether he really does or not. Perhaps he feels ambivalent himself?

I also felt like my husband pulled a bit of a bait and switch on me. We did fertility treatments, had some miscarriages then a stillbirth and he told me he refused to try again for a bio child. So I had to deal with that. Then we adopted a boy (which was very easy and reasonably priced process for us. There are horror stories, but I know many people who were successful within a reasonable amount of time, but I digress...). At this point we were planning for 3 kids and we had one. We adopted again (again, simple process), another boy. He knew that I wanted a girl but decided that two was enough and refused to budge. So, I had to deal with that, also.

This led to a lot of resentment for several years but I'm happy to say that i'm mostly over it. I do still get pangs when I see baby girls but I have to remind myself that it's a terrible thing to have or adopt an unwanted child. Ultimately, he did the correct thing, rather than giving into having a child he did not want. I love my husband and I love my family and divorce was never in the cards. But I have to admit, it hurt, and it took a while to let go of that resentment. I'm so happy I ultimately did, as we are a happy little family now.

A family of four isn't a little family, it's a standard size.

+1 and adoption can be very expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is likely too old for adoption

nope my sister adopted a newborn when she was 49 and husband in early 50s. not that i'm condoning that. domestic adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, keep trying. Four months is really not enough time to declare it's not happening biologically.

A lot of adoption agencies won’t give you priority over someone who can prove infertility with a doctor’s letter.

What? never heard of that. Not a consideration for international adoption that I know of. And domestic adoption its usually the birth parents choosing the adoptive parents

[Anonymous]

I’m almost 38 and my husband is 45. We have a 14 month old. I really wanted a second baby, but my husband is adamant about only having one child. Sometimes I still get sad, but I try to see the positives in only having one child. My son is a handful and honestly, I don’t know that I could handle two little kids at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is likely too old for adoption

LOL, no. My 65 year old uncle adopted a kid with his 40 y/o wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We already have one child. Since we married later in life, before child no. 1 was conceived, we agreed we would not pursue IVF, etc. and would pursue adoption. We are now trying to conceive our second child, and it’s not happening. Neither one of us is interested in fertility treatments, but I’m interested in pursuing adoption, but my husband says his “heart isn’t in it.” He doesn’t even want to research, meet with other people, attend a seminar. He says he’d be fine adopting a first child, but now that we know we can have children, he only wants biological children. I’m upset because (a) I’m not getting pregnant; (b) husband thinks his sperm volume has gone down in the last year or so, but is unwilling to have this checked out; (c) husband lobbied me hard for a second child, and now seems to be precluding me from having one. I feel like my options are divorce or resigning myself to only having one child. Also, we could keep trying naturally, but that’s really getting to be unfun - sex just to precreate and then worrying about ovulation predictor kits and every little symptom during the two week wait. Any advice for me? I’m miserable. Sort of want to give up trying to conceive, but since I know we won’t adopt, that’s like really giving up. As a side note, I really wanted a girl and we have a son.

Therapy. Alone or as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is likely too old for adoption

LOL, no. My 65 year old uncle adopted a kid with his 40 y/o wife.

Exactly. It’s a b*tch, but they don’t care about the Dad’s age as much as they care about the Mom’s age.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds reasonable and you do not. You have a bio child, and he is honest about not wanting to adopt, nobody should feel forced to adopt, maybe he is honest with himself and knows that he couldn't provide all the emotional attachment to bio and adopted child equal. And he know that this would be unfair to adopted child. He also seems to realize that at his age it is difficult to parent even a bio child, so why spend money and time on infertility? He is getting old and older, I am same age as you DH and if I got pregnant today,(still have period and few scares) I would be positively depressed! Even if it could be a viable and healthy pregnancy at my age. There are pills that stimulate ovulation, don't know what they are called in English, they helped me within 2 months conceive my first child after a year of trying and being told I don't ovulate.
Your DH seems wiling to have another bio child because he can see that you want another child, but it is fine that he draws the line there. Plus, why are you miserable? Are you on some hormones already? Your poor son has a mom who is MISERABLE and wanted a girl? Just this part here makes your DH's reasons even more valid.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a VAST unexplored range of fertility treatments you should consider OP. Just get some info and then start talking about options w/ your husband.

An HSG (as a pp suggested) is an excellent start. So is a simple conversation with a reproductive endocrinologist. There is a range of possibilities and options and you and your husband, with more information, might find options you aren't fully considering.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is too old for a second kid, biological or adopted, and you're just about too old yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much “later in life” are you now?

I’m 39, he’s 46.

I wonder if is more of the issue. In the VERY BEST scenario you have a baby when hes 47. Thsts granpa territory for people having kids right out of college. Maybe he realizes this kid will have a dad who might not be able to throw the ball and be an active parent. Maybe he realizes that this kid might end up losing a parent to old age in his 9r her 20s or 30s. In reality with adoption, if you can even find someone willing to adopt out to such old patents you teo will me mid 40s and early 50s. How fair is that putting your bio kid potentially in the parent role one day?

OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

Does he not want to do fertility treatments because of financial concerns? Because it will be you who undergoes all the invasive procedures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption can be very difficult and expensive. You can get lucky quickly or it can take many years or not happen at all and you lose a lot of money. Also, you are not guaranteed a girl. I wanted a girl and ended up with a boy.

And adoption is not issue free, even infant adoption.

Mothers do not adopt out their babies without good reason. Often there are many other issues at play. If husband is not on board with adopting then that is not a path to pursue.

Enjoy the child you have and let him be enough for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption can be very difficult and expensive. You can get lucky quickly or it can take many years or not happen at all and you lose a lot of money. Also, you are not guaranteed a girl. I wanted a girl and ended up with a boy.

And adoption is not issue free, even infant adoption.

Mothers do not adopt out their babies without good reason. Often there are many other issues at play. If husband is not on board with adopting then that is not a path to pursue.

Enjoy the child you have and let him be enough for you.

If husband is not on board with adoption then it is unlikely they would even pass a home study unless he is willing to put on an act.