Husband doesn’t want to adopt
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| We already have one child. Since we married later in life, before child no. 1 was conceived, we agreed we would not pursue IVF, etc. and would pursue adoption. We are now trying to conceive our second child, and it’s not happening. Neither one of us is interested in fertility treatments, but I’m interested in pursuing adoption, but my husband says his “heart isn’t in it.” He doesn’t even want to research, meet with other people, attend a seminar. He says he’d be fine adopting a first child, but now that we know we can have children, he only wants biological children. I’m upset because (a) I’m not getting pregnant; (b) husband thinks his sperm volume has gone down in the last year or so, but is unwilling to have this checked out; (c) husband lobbied me hard for a second child, and now seems to be precluding me from having one. I feel like my options are divorce or resigning myself to only having one child. Also, we could keep trying naturally, but that’s really getting to be unfun - sex just to precreate and then worrying about ovulation predictor kits and every little symptom during the two week wait. Any advice for me? I’m miserable. Sort of want to give up trying to conceive, but since I know we won’t adopt, that’s like really giving up. As a side note, I really wanted a girl and we have a son. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like he's satisfied with the one child. Can't you join him? |
Anonymous
| How much “later in life” are you now? |
Anonymous
I’m 39, he’s 46. |
Anonymous
| Personally in your situation I’d do fertility treatments. If you want a child as your DH does-then telook at your decision against this. You can set limits of cost |
Anonymous
| I think you are absurd to choose divorce over fertility treatments. |
Anonymous
| Adoption can be very difficult and expensive. You can get lucky quickly or it can take many years or not happen at all and you lose a lot of money. Also, you are not guaranteed a girl. I wanted a girl and ended up with a boy. |
Anonymous
We started down this path because he wanted another - turns out another biological child only. I incorrectly thought adoption was an option. Option only - I know it’s a complicated, lengthy process and we might have decided for a variety of reasons not pursue it. I agree it would be wonderful if I could just be satisfied with what I have. I have some resent towards him because he lobbied hard for a second child - I needed to be convinced - and now I’m sort of stuck not getting a second child. |
Anonymous
| How long have you tried for #2? What is the objection to IUI or taking clomid to increase chances? Why not at least get tested yourself to rule out fertility issues coming from yourself |
Anonymous
| He is likely too old for adoption |
Anonymous
The rule of thumb for US adoptions is not more than 40 years older than the child you are trying to adopt. |
Anonymous
He's too old for most international but private adoption is fine as is some agency but it it takes a few years he will be 50+ which is probably his bigger concern. |
Anonymous
We’ve been trying for four months, which sounds ridiculously short, but I got pregnant on the first try with no. 1. My OBGYN did the initial bloodwork, which was normal “for my age.” (Not really sure if that is good or bad.) OBGYN thought we could do the ultrasound part, but her sense was that it would come back unexplained. Husband doesn’t want to have his sperm tested. I’m more willing to just pursue what the problems could be and hear about possible treatment options. Husband is not willing. |
Anonymous
You need to see a fertility specialist if you want real answers about yourself and your chances. And 4 months is nothing. |
Anonymous
|
Four months?!
Way too soon to freak out |