Husband doesn’t want to adopt
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Anonymous
| Do you use ovulation testing? |
Anonymous
| You need to chill. You have one kid. It would be absurd to divorce her father at age 39. You think you are going to find a new husband in time to have another kid without fertillity treatments, or someone who defintely wants a stepkid and an adopted kid? Keep having unprotected sex and see what happens. |
Anonymous
| How old is baby #1? Still breastfeeding? |
Anonymous
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OP...I feel for you, really. But let's have a little perspective.
You are already a mother. So that is a HUGE blessing. This is not a matter of Mom or No Mom here. You already ARE a mom to a wonderful child that you both love and adore! Yes...you *want* another child. But your husband does not. Imagine the resentment he would have toward you AND that other child if you push this! Plus...he has told you he doesn't want to adopt because his heart isn't in it. Do not bring a non-biological child into your home thinking he will "get over" this feeling. He will not. He's already told you he doesn't want this. ICK! Why would you want to have a child FEEL that from their adoptive father??? Just...no. And sure, you could choose to be resentful and even DIVORCE over it. But what does that say to the child you have that the only reason you want to leave his/her dad is because you can't agree on having another child. You are screaming to this child "YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!" and that sucks. Further, you could go through all that and wind up mis-carrying or having a child with severe learning disabilities or physical challenges...and then where will you be?? Probably alone raising the two kids by yourself because DH already told you he is not into this. Count your blessings, OP. No really...count them. You have a perfectly lovely family of three. Don't blow up your (and your kid's) perfectly-blessed life over a wish for MORE blessings than you have. |
Anonymous
| 39 is young. That was my age when I had my third (husband was 44). Keep trying it might happen. |
Anonymous
| Is this any different than a husband saying he doesn't want more kids even if there is no fertility issue? I believe that both parents need to be on board for more kids. Why does you need come before his? He sounds rational and reasonable, you do not. Why do you think your wants carry more weight than his? |
Anonymous
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he has a right to his feelings, even if they change. You have a right to yours. They are in conflict, which is hard, but its not anyone's fault. Dh and I had this discussion and I was the one who was far more hesitant about adoption than he was, for my own reasons.
That being said, I think you're reacting in a manner that isn't helpful. If adoption is off the table, rethink your other options. Why not pursue fertility treatments? It gives you a better chance of getting what you want (child #2) in a manner that he prefers (bio kid), so it seems like a good option. and 4 months is too early to be freaking out, though you should see a fertility specialist, given your age and your anxiety surrounding this. Finally, it may be very hard to let go of the idea of 2 children, but that could be the reality no matter how you pursue another kid. Adoption doesn't always work out either (and for some of my friends it took multiple years). I think you should focus on fertility and put aside adoption for now, but you also have to stop blaming your husband because you guys need to be in this together. |
Anonymous
Husband doesn’t want to see a fertility specialist. He wants to get pregnant naturally, or not at all. I would be willing to see a fertility specialist. I’d like to know if our chances are terrible, for example, we could stop having sex on a schedule. |
Anonymous
You don’t need his permission for you to see a fertility specialist....rule your issues out first |
Anonymous
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OP I think your DH is saying a few things at once here. He is 46 — that’s not young to have a baby. Despite what people say here very few couples have a BABY at 45+.
You already have one child. He knows what it’s like and he’s happy with one. He doesn’t want to do infertility treatments — possibly because one treatment leads to another. And very expensive. Plus he doesn’t want to. Adoption: he changed his mind. Perhaps he researched it and realized what was involved. It’s not a simple process. You are part of a couple: both people have to agree. I’m sorry because I know you wanted another child. But he doesn’t. |
Anonymous
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I think you should focus 100% on resolving the resentment you have that you feel like your husband bait-and-switched you. Honestly, this seems like more of a miscommunication than a bait and switch. Your husband convinced you to “try for a second” but it turns out that what he meant by “try for a second” and what you thought he meant/you meant by “try for a second” are different. I think you probably need to feel heard about how disappointing/frustrating/upsetting that is for you, but if you were on the fence before, you can probably get to a place where you just have sex when you want and let nature take its course. Be ok either way.
So many people now think they can control when and how many children they have. We have a lot more control than humans ever did before, but that doesn’t actually mean that everyone gets what they want. There’s still a lot we can’t control - a lot of luck and circumstance. |
Anonymous
| OP, keep trying. Four months is really not enough time to declare it's not happening biologically. |
Anonymous
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OP, my dh and I were not able to conceive at all, so count yourself lucky. We were already in our early 40s when we realized that having a baby wasn't going to happen. I think if we had been younger we would have pursued adoption, but being older we saw that adoption was a role.of the dice.
Some friends did well with adoption, others have had lots of problems and they have never bonded well with the children. And, the adopted children have sometimes had problems which haven't manifested until the teen years, which have proved to be more severe than the issues their bio children experienced. We decided to remain childless instead. You have one healthy child, I can see why your dh, at age 46, may want to stop there. If you adopt an infant right now, he will be around 68 by the time that child is old enough to graduate from college. I would keep trying to have a child naturally. |
Anonymous
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Adoption is no walk in the park, OP. It can strain even perfect realtionshios. Your combined ages will make you ineligible for several international programs. Domestic adoption comes with its own set of considerations. If your husband is not fully on board don't do it.
In your shoes I would talk to him about trying fertility treatments if you can afford it. If it will strain your finances then think carefully. A therapist might be helpful as you process your feelings. |
Anonymous
A lot of adoption agencies won’t give you priority over someone who can prove infertility with a doctor’s letter. |