Husband doesn’t want to adopt

[Anonymous]

husband thinks his sperm volume has gone down in the last year or so,

How the heck could he possibly know that? Is he putting his own jism under a microscope?

[Anonymous]

Keep trying. Four months is way too short a time for you to be freaking out, contemplating divorce, etc.

-signed Mom who had baby #1 at 40 and #2 at 42 using ovulation monitors only.

[Anonymous]

Stop having sex on a schedule anyway and see what happens. God, that sounds so clinical and miserable. You may not have to worry about leaving him, he might leave you if you continue to suck the joy out of marriage and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you tried for #2? What is the objection to IUI or taking clomid to increase chances? Why not at least get tested yourself to rule out fertility issues coming from yourself

We’ve been trying for four months, which sounds ridiculously short, but I got pregnant on the first try with no. 1. My OBGYN did the initial bloodwork, which was normal “for my age.” (Not really sure if that is good or bad.) OBGYN thought we could do the ultrasound part, but her sense was that it would come back unexplained. Husband doesn’t want to have his sperm tested. I’m more willing to just pursue what the problems could be and hear about possible treatment options. Husband is not willing.

What’s up with this guy not getting his sperm tested? Embarrassment? Ego? Fear that you’ll start talking about using donor sperm?

[Anonymous]

Our DD is adopted but in your situation don't do it. You have to both be fully on board. if he is not he will resent the adopted child and that child will feel that. Its not fair.
We only have one and are happy.

[Anonymous]

Just an FYI for everyone saying only 4 months trying. It’s recommended to see a fertility specialist if you’ve been trying 6 months or longer at age 35 and up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop having sex on a schedule anyway and see what happens. God, that sounds so clinical and miserable. You may not have to worry about leaving him, he might leave you if you continue to suck the joy out of marriage and sex.

I think it’s pretty sexist to assume OP is sucking the joy out of marriage and sex. It’s usually both parties who find have sex on a schedule to be more of a chore than an expression of love.

[Anonymous]

You are miserable after 4 months of TTC?!!!

Come back when it's been 4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much “later in life” are you now?

I’m 39, he’s 46.

I wonder if is more of the issue. In the VERY BEST scenario you have a baby when hes 47. Thsts granpa territory for people having kids right out of college. Maybe he realizes this kid will have a dad who might not be able to throw the ball and be an active parent. Maybe he realizes that this kid might end up losing a parent to old age in his 9r her 20s or 30s. In reality with adoption, if you can even find someone willing to adopt out to such old patents you teo will me mid 40s and early 50s. How fair is that putting your bio kid potentially in the parent role one day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much “later in life” are you now?

I’m 39, he’s 46.

I wonder if is more of the issue. In the VERY BEST scenario you have a baby when hes 47. Thsts granpa territory for people having kids right out of college. Maybe he realizes this kid will have a dad who might not be able to throw the ball and be an active parent. Maybe he realizes that this kid might end up losing a parent to old age in his 9r her 20s or 30s. In reality with adoption, if you can even find someone willing to adopt out to such old patents you teo will me mid 40s and early 50s. How fair is that putting your bio kid potentially in the parent role one day?

OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

[Anonymous]

OP, LIVID here. (If you don't know me, you can look up my story) Anyway, here is what I would recommend before even going to an RE. Go to your regular OB/Gyn and ask them for a prescription to get an HSG. This is generally done as part of a fertility workup at the IVF clinics. I had one done when I was 39 and got pregnant that month. It is all anecdotal but there are many stories out there of women getting pregnant after an HSG. We had been trying for about 6 months at that point. If you look up my story you will see that my pregnancy ended for other reasons, (not age related genetic issues) but the fact remains that I did get pregnant at 39.

Here is my other advice. Start doing the OPK so that you know when exactly you are ovulating. Read Taking Charge of your Fertility. I would also recommend doing something to spice things up. There is a very nice upscale sex toy store in Old Town called Lotus Bloom. Go have a date night in Old Town and go shopping together.

I went through many rounds of IVF with my own eggs and donor eggs and none of it worked. We got very lucky with the domestic adoption process and now have a toddler son who was born in 2017. For the record, domestic adoptions do not have an age limit. Some agencies might have age limits but there is no law in the US about how old is too old to adopt. My husband and I were both older than your husband when we started the process in 2016 and it took about 16 months from starting the home study process to bringing our baby home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

OP, I feel your pain. He's sending very conflicting messages. He says he wants to have a child but only under very specific circumstances, so it must make you question whether he really does or not. Perhaps he feels ambivalent himself?

I also felt like my husband pulled a bit of a bait and switch on me. We did fertility treatments, had some miscarriages then a stillbirth and he told me he refused to try again for a bio child. So I had to deal with that. Then we adopted a boy (which was very easy and reasonably priced process for us. There are horror stories, but I know many people who were successful within a reasonable amount of time, but I digress...). At this point we were planning for 3 kids and we had one. We adopted again (again, simple process), another boy. He knew that I wanted a girl but decided that two was enough and refused to budge. So, I had to deal with that, also.

This led to a lot of resentment for several years but I'm happy to say that i'm mostly over it. I do still get pangs when I see baby girls but I have to remind myself that it's a terrible thing to have or adopt an unwanted child. Ultimately, he did the correct thing, rather than giving into having a child he did not want. I love my husband and I love my family and divorce was never in the cards. But I have to admit, it hurt, and it took a while to let go of that resentment. I'm so happy I ultimately did, as we are a happy little family now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

OP, I feel your pain. He's sending very conflicting messages. He says he wants to have a child but only under very specific circumstances, so it must make you question whether he really does or not. Perhaps he feels ambivalent himself?

I also felt like my husband pulled a bit of a bait and switch on me. We did fertility treatments, had some miscarriages then a stillbirth and he told me he refused to try again for a bio child. So I had to deal with that. Then we adopted a boy (which was very easy and reasonably priced process for us. There are horror stories, but I know many people who were successful within a reasonable amount of time, but I digress...). At this point we were planning for 3 kids and we had one. We adopted again (again, simple process), another boy. He knew that I wanted a girl but decided that two was enough and refused to budge. So, I had to deal with that, also.

This led to a lot of resentment for several years but I'm happy to say that i'm mostly over it. I do still get pangs when I see baby girls but I have to remind myself that it's a terrible thing to have or adopt an unwanted child. Ultimately, he did the correct thing, rather than giving into having a child he did not want. I love my husband and I love my family and divorce was never in the cards. But I have to admit, it hurt, and it took a while to let go of that resentment. I'm so happy I ultimately did, as we are a happy little family now.

A family of four isn't a little family, it's a standard size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this any different than a husband saying he doesn't want more kids even if there is no fertility issue? I believe that both parents need to be on board for more kids. Why does you need come before his? He sounds rational and reasonable, you do not. Why do you think your wants carry more weight than his?

+1. He is entitled to his views, and he is entitled to change his mind. Unfortunately as with all family size decisions, fertility or adoption or no - the spouse saying no wins. Because it's unfair to a child to bring him into the world or a family without both parents being on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


OP again. Yes, we are old. But he very much wants to have another bio kid. And he’s going to be in grandpa territory anyway, with the kid he already has. My struggle is that he only wants a bio kid conceived naturally - he does not want adoption or fertility treatments.

OP, I feel your pain. He's sending very conflicting messages. He says he wants to have a child but only under very specific circumstances, so it must make you question whether he really does or not. Perhaps he feels ambivalent himself?

I also felt like my husband pulled a bit of a bait and switch on me. We did fertility treatments, had some miscarriages then a stillbirth and he told me he refused to try again for a bio child. So I had to deal with that. Then we adopted a boy (which was very easy and reasonably priced process for us. There are horror stories, but I know many people who were successful within a reasonable amount of time, but I digress...). At this point we were planning for 3 kids and we had one. We adopted again (again, simple process), another boy. He knew that I wanted a girl but decided that two was enough and refused to budge. So, I had to deal with that, also.

This led to a lot of resentment for several years but I'm happy to say that i'm mostly over it. I do still get pangs when I see baby girls but I have to remind myself that it's a terrible thing to have or adopt an unwanted child. Ultimately, he did the correct thing, rather than giving into having a child he did not want. I love my husband and I love my family and divorce was never in the cards. But I have to admit, it hurt, and it took a while to let go of that resentment. I'm so happy I ultimately did, as we are a happy little family now.

Thank you so much for posting this. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m hopeful I will find a way though this. It’s nice to hear someone else’s experience (versus “get over it!” or “you sound immature”). Thanks so much for your kind words.