44 year old woman, never married, no kids. Am I a red flag??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the longest relationship you’ve ever had? Have you had significant relationships?

[b]

I dated a lot before I gained the weight, I had several 1-3year relationships but nothing for the past 10 years. I had hook ups here and there but no one I would consider dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering if I’m a walking red flag? I’ve never been married and don’t have kids. Own my own home, have an average career but can support myself (home paid off). I love to travel and I’m independent, but haven’t had a ton of relationships. Looks wise I’m about a 6 or 7. I used to weigh 270 pounds but now I’m 135 (lost with weight watchers). When I was overweight I was invisible to to men and now I get a lot of attention, but people always ask why I’m still single and obviously I don’t say becaus I used to be fat but that’s the truth! I don’t really know how to respond to those questions and just wonder if men are put off that I’m this age and haven’t been married or have kids. Thanks in advance for your honest opinions!

Not a red flag. You are single because you spent many years fat. Just don’t get fat again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks so much for the honest opinions, I really appreciate it!

I didn’t date much when I was overweight and now the attention is a little overwhelming. I do want to eventually get married and I think I’d be a great step mom some day. Im not just looking to hook up, so that’s why I was wondering if men might see me as a red flag. I’m a kindergarten teacher so I do like kids, but I know the ship has sailed for me to have my own and that’s okay.

I didn’t hide in my house for years while overweight, I travelled extensively so I guess I’m interesting in that way. I’m not a complete loner, but my circle is small. It’s just that people always ask right away why I’m still single and I don’t really know what to say. Eventually I have to open up about the weight, but for now I just say I didn’t find the one.

Is there anything I can do to make myself more appealing at this age? Not looks wise but just in general.

When people ask you why you are still single, what happened, etc... Be honest. Tell them that you struggled with your weight and was working to making yourself the person you are now and not focused on "finding someone" because it's not about the game or the chase, it's about the person. Sadly, people still look at a person's body before looking at someone's heart so it's a valid, true reason to be alone. And if that's not enough of an answer, remind them that they are getting to know the person you are now, and the person you were then will come with time and not questions, but with trust.

As for making yourself more appealing: Be interesting. I mean it. Have hobbies, a wit, a wink-- be a good conversationalist and don't play dumb. Dumb is great when you're young, but when you're older, it comes off badly.

Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a reasonably attractive woman hasn’t been married and no children by 40 I would assume she has issues of some sort. But once you get to know the person it’s possible to change your mind.

This is nothing but a stereotype. As a single, fit, attractive, high earner, African American woman in her late 40s, people often ask me the same thing. I am a Mom, so I have been down that road. There is nothing wrong with you based upon your marital status.

Repeat, there is nothing wrong with you based upon your marital status.

P.S. Plus, you do not bring the additional elements to a relationship that can make dating very hard. Newly divorced people often do not want to interact when wit you when they have their kids, the alimony, and child support considerations as just a few of the things they have to contend with.

YOU ARE GOLDEN MATERIAL FOR A DIVORCED MAN!

I agree! You are a catch for a divorced man. And honestly, divorced men/people either got therapy and are fairly awesome or have issues. So do be discerning!

[Anonymous]

HeyOP, just wanted to say, you sound like a nice person. I hope you find someone good!

[Anonymous]

You sound lovely as you are. Believe in you. No need to do more.

[Anonymous]

You sounded like a red flag until you explained the weight and weight loss. We know how superficial men are, so makes perfect sense why you didn’t marry at a younger age. So, no, not a red flag. You actually seem down-to-earth and relatable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, people will wonder. So tell them. I don't see what's wrong with the truth. Anyone you get serious with will eventually see pictures or you will share that you used to be very overweight, right? Because it's not some shameful secret. Good for you, you lost a bunch of weight.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op again- I’m so grateful for all these replies, thanks so much for the support guys! I’m trying to get out there (my goal for the new year) and you guys have given me the boost I needed. I’m not overly picky, I just want someone kind, honest and interesting. Someone with a good heart. Maybe someone like me, who was overlooked but is just waiting to be discovered. I just want to dip my toe in the dating pool- I know after all these years I can and would be happy alone, but it would be nice to find someone.

Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again- I’m so grateful for all these replies, thanks so much for the support guys! I’m trying to get out there (my goal for the new year) and you guys have given me the boost I needed. I’m not overly picky, I just want someone kind, honest and interesting. Someone with a good heart. Maybe someone like me, who was overlooked but is just waiting to be discovered. I just want to dip my toe in the dating pool- I know after all these years I can and would be happy alone, but it would be nice to find someone.

Thanks so much!

You have a good attitude! A guy would be lucky to have that.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks so much for the honest opinions, I really appreciate it!

I didn’t date much when I was overweight and now the attention is a little overwhelming. I do want to eventually get married and I think I’d be a great step mom some day. Im not just looking to hook up, so that’s why I was wondering if men might see me as a red flag. I’m a kindergarten teacher so I do like kids, but I know the ship has sailed for me to have my own and that’s okay.

My best advice to you is to not go into the dating scene already not willing to be in casual relationships. It's totally reasonable to not want to just hook up with guys, but if you set limits or expectations before even getting out there you will simply be making it harder for yourself. You're going to have to kiss some toads first.

[Anonymous]

If you do not want casual relationships, do not compromise.Remember, you are golden material for a divorced man. The fact that you do not have a custody schedules to work out is also golden.

--Single, mom by choice, fit, attractive woman

[Anonymous]

Possibly but I have two friends in your shoes who got married for the first time in their 40s this last year. One married a divorceee, the other married someone who has never been married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think it could mean you were cautious. There are a ton of losers out there and good for you for dodging them. I think you were only a couple of years older than I was. I got married at 40 and had two kids after. I had to lie about my age originally because but, you do what you have to do.

But as an aside, ,a guy might have preconceived ideas about a 30-something vs a 40 something but really all they care about is that you are thin and attractive and take care of your self

OMG you lied about your age? THAT IS A MAJOR RED FLAG.

.

What? Why? My husband really did not care after he met me and thought I was awesome.