44 year old woman, never married, no kids. Am I a red flag??

[Anonymous]

Just wondering if I’m a walking red flag? I’ve never been married and don’t have kids. Own my own home, have an average career but can support myself (home paid off). I love to travel and I’m independent, but haven’t had a ton of relationships. Looks wise I’m about a 6 or 7. I used to weigh 270 pounds but now I’m 135 (lost with weight watchers). When I was overweight I was invisible to to men and now I get a lot of attention, but people always ask why I’m still single and obviously I don’t say becaus I used to be fat but that’s the truth! I don’t really know how to respond to those questions and just wonder if men are put off that I’m this age and haven’t been married or have kids. Thanks in advance for your honest opinions!

[Anonymous]

It might be a concern. But it isn't anybody else's business why you aren't married ("I just haven't found the right person yet" is a perfectly adequate answer).

If they press, deflect, deflect, deflect. Nosy folks!

[Anonymous]

It depends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends.

[b]

Depends..... on?

[Anonymous]

Honest opinion - probably yes, but not a waving red flag. I think a waving red flag is someone who is on the third divorce, has kids from multiple partners or is a complete loner. It’s outside the norm so people automatically assume that you also have to be outsude the norm as an individual.

That being said, I think there are more women our age who find themselves in this position than previously. Many were raised with strong female role models, encouraged with ‘the world is your oyster’ go be independent and do what you want. Plus, we have independent financial security so many had relationships but never one strong enough to feel the need to get married and they didn’t have the financial need to settle. (I know some people’s expectations are crazy high, but not everyone’s).

So, hold your chin up high. You’ve done more in your lifetime as a single woman than many married individuals have done. You sound like a person who has really worked through some great personal struggles and have come out stronger and more comfortable with yourself.

Stay open to meeting new people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends.

[b]

Depends..... on?

Depends, frankly, on what men are seeking from you. If they are interested in a long term relationship then yes, they will eventually ask gentle questions about why you never married and the like. Women often perceive problems with men who have never been married by, say, 37. Men are less judgmental about this, but questions will still be there. Honesty is never a bad policy.

[Anonymous]

It depends on what you want. Marriage? Kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes, people will wonder. So tell them. I don't see what's wrong with the truth. Anyone you get serious with will eventually see pictures or you will share that you used to be very overweight, right? Because it's not some shameful secret. Good for you, you lost a bunch of weight.

[Anonymous]

Ask Condoleezza Rice.

[Anonymous]

If a reasonably attractive woman hasn’t been married and no children by 40 I would assume she has issues of some sort. But once you get to know the person it’s possible to change your mind.

[Anonymous]

If you were fat, broke, stupid, and had a bunch of kids, those would be more of a deal-breaker tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a reasonably attractive woman hasn’t been married and no children by 40 I would assume she has issues of some sort. But once you get to know the person it’s possible to change your mind.

This is nothing but a stereotype. As a single, fit, attractive, high earner, African American woman in her late 40s, people often ask me the same thing. I am a Mom, so I have been down that road. There is nothing wrong with you based upon your marital status.

Repeat, there is nothing wrong with you based upon your marital status.

P.S. Plus, you do not bring the additional elements to a relationship that can make dating very hard. Newly divorced people often do not want to interact when wit you when they have their kids, the alimony, and child support considerations as just a few of the things they have to contend with.

YOU ARE GOLDEN MATERIAL FOR A DIVORCED MAN!

[Anonymous]

I tend to assume that anyone of either sex who states that he or she wants to be married, but has never found the right partner by his or her mid-30s, probably has some deal-breaker that makes no sense to rational people, prioritizes his or her career or hobby to a fanatical degree, or has a problem making any kind of compromises at all, even the dinner-at-7-rather-than-9 sort.

This is for people who WANTED to be married. Now, if you told me you'd been very overweight and avoided dating, that would seem like a reasonable explanation. If all I heard was, "It just never worked out," I'd be more cautious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tend to assume that anyone of either sex who states that he or she wants to be married, but has never found the right partner by his or her mid-30s, probably has some deal-breaker that makes no sense to rational people, prioritizes his or her career or hobby to a fanatical degree, or has a problem making any kind of compromises at all, even the dinner-at-7-rather-than-9 sort.

This is for people who WANTED to be married. Now, if you told me you'd been very overweight and avoided dating, that would seem like a reasonable explanation. If all I heard was, "It just never worked out," I'd be more cautious.

Whoa! BIG TYPO. Meant *mid-40s*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a reasonably attractive woman hasn’t been married and no children by 40 I would assume she has issues of some sort. But once you get to know the person it’s possible to change your mind.

This is nothing but a stereotype. As a single, fit, attractive, high earner, African American woman in her late 40s, people often ask me the same thing. I am a Mom, so I have been down that road. There is nothing wrong with you based upon your marital status.

Repeat, there is nothing wrong with you based upon your marital status.

P.S. Plus, you do not bring the additional elements to a relationship that can make dating very hard. Newly divorced people often do not want to interact when wit you when they have their kids, the alimony, and child support considerations as just a few of the things they have to contend with.

YOU ARE GOLDEN MATERIAL FOR A DIVORCED MAN!

+1

I think most of the responses here are from women. As men, we don't really don't care about a woman's circumstances when we're into her.

You're not a red flag, OP.