Dating someone with ADD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how for thousands of years, men didn’t have ADHD. Suddenly, in the last 20 years, 70% of the men in DC have it. It seems like part of a larger trend lately to pathologize men.

They probably always had it. Women were able to work around it because they were home and running the household. Now, women work and need their husbands to step up to the plate at many of the tasks women are better wired for.

Funny how a gender with ADD was able to create science, art, technology, architecture, and every large-scale complex system in human history. I guess all that stuff was created by a mysterious process of "women working around it".

Yes, they can fully focus, and even deep dive, into important issues since they don't have to remember to stop at the grocery store for more eggs or unstrap their baby from the carseat. The terminology is new, but this way of dealing with life isn't.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You mean if I only had 1 or 2 responsibilities in my life (feed my face, do my office work) I could excel more than if I had 10-12 daily responsibilities?!?

Wow, who knew.

Too bad that many responsibilities are a fact of most unpampered people’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how for thousands of years, men didn’t have ADHD. Suddenly, in the last 20 years, 70% of the men in DC have it. It seems like part of a larger trend lately to pathologize men.

The fell off the waterfall, got eaten by a bear, or hit by a tractor back in the day for not paying attention. Nowadays they just play on their iPhone and get babied so Darwin can’t take over as easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

People like to talk about sex with “crazy” women. No one talks about the ADHD or manic bipolar guy. Yes, it can be crazy physical chemistry and you likely feel like the center of his world. My XH told me he loved me on the third date. By two weeks, he had mentioned marriage. I wish someone had told me then what the next twenty years would be like. An eviction, bankruptcy, restraining orders, divorce, and jail. I know not all men with ADD are like that, but don’t let chemistry gloss over the pink flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how for thousands of years, men didn’t have ADHD. Suddenly, in the last 20 years, 70% of the men in DC have it. It seems like part of a larger trend lately to pathologize men.

The fell off the waterfall, got eaten by a bear, or hit by a tractor back in the day for not paying attention. Nowadays they just play on their iPhone and get babied so Darwin can’t take over as easily.

+1

It is still less prevalent in developing countries because the boys die in farming accidents or fall down into factory equipment.

[Anonymous]

If he isn’t managing it well now, run don’t walk.

In the beginning of dating, my ex would get made when I was “late” (I.e. he would just make up a time that he thought we agreed too). It lead to a big fight because I was like never in my life have I gotten the time wrong this many times, let alone in a 3 month period. That led him (w/o my prompting) to get medicated - however, he didn’t follow through on the other recs soooo it only mildly helped

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how for thousands of years, men didn’t have ADHD. Suddenly, in the last 20 years, 70% of the men in DC have it. It seems like part of a larger trend lately to pathologize men.

They had it, but the world was designed around men so they were able to compensate.
For thousands of years, many women helped their husbands with whatever the family did for a living. Wives caught mistakes that would have been costly and sometimes even secretly ran the entire farm or business. It also helped that people were less strict with time and there was hardly any paper to keep track of.
If men were unsuccessful in one venture, for roughly 500 years at least some had the outlet of immigrating to various colonies or in the US striking out for the West.
Of course, the biggest thing is that people with ADHD are more likely to die in accidents. Without modern medicine to stop bleeding or deal with crush injuries, many young ADHD males died before they could marry and reproduce. After the dawn of the 20th century, many more survived to pass on those genes and then their ADHD male offspring also survived.

I have ADD. Just asked DH to weigh in. Does he mind doing all the bills and paperwork? He said no, because we shine in different areas. For example, I get up several hours before him, in order to get up with the kids. I plan our entire social lives, including coordinating with his family. I do all the dishes, because it’s a repetitive task. I never had trouble making plans with DH when we were dating, though. I was always on time, always willing to make time, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

People like to talk about sex with “crazy” women. No one talks about the ADHD or manic bipolar guy. Yes, it can be crazy physical chemistry and you likely feel like the center of his world. My XH told me he loved me on the third date. By two weeks, he had mentioned marriage. I wish someone had told me then what the next twenty years would be like. An eviction, bankruptcy, restraining orders, divorce, and jail. I know not all men with ADD are like that, but don’t let chemistry gloss over the pink flags.

Restraining orders? Jail? That’s not ADD. Bipolar is its own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how for thousands of years, men didn’t have ADHD. Suddenly, in the last 20 years, 70% of the men in DC have it. It seems like part of a larger trend lately to pathologize men.

They had it, but the world was designed around men so they were able to compensate.
For thousands of years, many women helped their husbands with whatever the family did for a living. Wives caught mistakes that would have been costly and sometimes even secretly ran the entire farm or business. It also helped that people were less strict with time and there was hardly any paper to keep track of.
If men were unsuccessful in one venture, for roughly 500 years at least some had the outlet of immigrating to various colonies or in the US striking out for the West.
Of course, the biggest thing is that people with ADHD are more likely to die in accidents. Without modern medicine to stop bleeding or deal with crush injuries, many young ADHD males died before they could marry and reproduce. After the dawn of the 20th century, many more survived to pass on those genes and then their ADHD male offspring also survived.

I have ADD. Just asked DH to weigh in. Does he mind doing all the bills and paperwork? He said no, because we shine in different areas. For example, I get up several hours before him, in order to get up with the kids. I plan our entire social lives, including coordinating with his family. I do all the dishes, because it’s a repetitive task. I never had trouble making plans with DH when we were dating, though. I was always on time, always willing to make time, etc.

That’s good.
Unf my add inattentive spouse often zones out when washing the dishes (or driving, or shopping, or filling out forms) so they only end up getting rinsed. She or I then have to do it again with soap, sponge and scrubbing. This happens several times a month. It’s like an inability to learn.
That said, adhd has vastly different strings between inattentiveness and hyperactivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

[Anonymous]

About to divorce my ADD husband. It is a very lonely marriage of total chaos. Not everyone who is ADD is like this but think very carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care, except that it is hard to tell how into me he is when he's always canceling plans or failing to follow through.

I'd take that at FACE VALUE. Not make excuses like he's letting you down because of his ADD Inattentive. Don't be a doormat, most adults are NOT like that.

+1 That’s not necessarily the ADD. This kind of behavior is disrespectful, unsustainable in a relationship and you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

It can turn out OK. DC, who is 24, just got a diagnosis of ADD. This comes two years after DC graduated from a USNWR top 5 College, not summa cum laude, but with really good grades. DC works at a pretty intense policy consulting firm, and perhaps that’s not a great match, but DC is definitely viable in the work world. DC has already been in a few long-term (year or more) relationships that ended because of things like distance and people going to grad school, not the ADD. DC is applying to top grad schools. Also, we’re planning a family vacation, and DC is always thinking of details that didn’t occur to me, a NMSSF with no ADD (the ADD came from XDH). What makes the difference? DC has good self esteem, is quite bright, and has a fabulous work ethic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

It can turn out OK. DC, who is 24, just got a diagnosis of ADD. This comes two years after DC graduated from a USNWR top 5 College, not summa cum laude, but with really good grades. DC works at a pretty intense policy consulting firm, and perhaps that’s not a great match, but DC is definitely viable in the work world. DC has already been in a few long-term (year or more) relationships that ended because of things like distance and people going to grad school, not the ADD. DC is applying to top grad schools. Also, we’re planning a family vacation, and DC is always thinking of details that didn’t occur to me, a NMSSF with no ADD (the ADD came from XDH). What makes the difference? DC has good self esteem, is quite bright, and has a fabulous work ethic.

Thanks great; Lots of adhd brilliant book smart people who excel at academics and office work.

Is your son taking any medicine? Good at verbal communication and owning up to things? Good at picking up after himself and multitasking personal and professional life? Does he want to get married and raise a family? Or just hyperfocus on career or studies?

A professor job is ideal for the high IQ ADD’er. Startup situation might be too taxing. Writing policy papers in your 20s whilst single, NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

It can turn out OK. DC, who is 24, just got a diagnosis of ADD. This comes two years after DC graduated from a USNWR top 5 College, not summa cum laude, but with really good grades. DC works at a pretty intense policy consulting firm, and perhaps that’s not a great match, but DC is definitely viable in the work world. DC has already been in a few long-term (year or more) relationships that ended because of things like distance and people going to grad school, not the ADD. DC is applying to top grad schools. Also, we’re planning a family vacation, and DC is always thinking of details that didn’t occur to me, a NMSSF with no ADD (the ADD came from XDH). What makes the difference? DC has good self esteem, is quite bright, and has a fabulous work ethic.

I am the poster above divorcing my ADD husband. He is a brilliant doctor and all his patients adore him. From a work standpoint, he is a super successful. That is it, that is all he can focus on. He is hyper focused on work and nothing else. He will drive my son to school every morning and drive pass the school more than 10% of the time and have to turn around. I am surprised, looking back, that he never left our child in the car. Forget being interested in my life or career. His brain can’t focus on that stuff. He doesn’t see messes and walks right passed piles of clothes or stuff that will sit for months.
There were warning signs while dating that I missed - subtle signs. He never remembered my family’s names or basic info. He forgot events. We talked a lot about him.
Ensure your son has balance and empathy. It can work.