Dating someone with ADD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't care, except that it is hard to tell how into me he is when he's always canceling plans or failing to follow through.

I'd take that at FACE VALUE. Not make excuses like he's letting you down because of his ADD Inattentive. Don't be a doormat, most adults are NOT like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

We are divorced and have adult children.

OK so you're both indoor 50s and 60s.

I've seen what my MIL suffers through with FIL and NO THANKS. Dangerous driver, no great conversations- just nutball ones, can't remember gifts or holidays/birthdays/anniversaries, senile assumptions.

And once something happens to her, or he needs to take care of her, game over. He can't take care of anything or anyone. Not a car, not a bed, not a child, not a house, not a wife.

Just have some fun for a short while. But if you are wanting a life partner, get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

We are divorced and have adult children.

OK so you're both indoor 50s and 60s.

I've seen what my MIL suffers through with FIL and NO THANKS. Dangerous driver, no great conversations- just nutball ones, can't remember gifts or holidays/birthdays/anniversaries, senile assumptions.

And once something happens to her, or he needs to take care of her, game over. He can't take care of anything or anyone. Not a car, not a bed, not a child, not a house, not a wife.

Just have some fun for a short while. But if you are wanting a life partner, get out now.

Unfortunately I've experienced the bolded. I was very ill for two months, and my parents had to fly across the Atlantic to take care of the house and kids, because apparently my ADHD spouse could not handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

Most men have ADD. Just read this forum and you will see.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the input!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

OMG, read ALL the posts of women complaining about their husbands with ADD. If you're fine with all that (and some personalities are), then fine. I couldn't stand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has issues. ADD seems to be getting a disproportionate amount of attention lately.

Of course they do, no one is perfect, but some people can handle someone with ADD and others can't. So if OP isn't the type of person who would be good at dealing with that, then you might as well cut the cord now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

We are divorced and have adult children.

OK so you're both indoor 50s and 60s.

I've seen what my MIL suffers through with FIL and NO THANKS. Dangerous driver, no great conversations- just nutball ones, can't remember gifts or holidays/birthdays/anniversaries, senile assumptions.

And once something happens to her, or he needs to take care of her, game over. He can't take care of anything or anyone. Not a car, not a bed, not a child, not a house, not a wife.

Just have some fun for a short while. But if you are wanting a life partner, get out now.

These were the two things that I regretted most about my marriage. I tried to never let him get on the beltway with the kids—sure, honey, I really want to drive Larlo to that birthday party in Falls Church, after taking Larla to Gaithersburg last week, because I need some more bonding time with those other moms! And conversation that went, “it was like, you know, wow.”

Also, the terrible parenting instincts, because he couldn’t focus beyond the short term. The kids learned about age 10 how to talk him out of every consequence for bad behavior, so they’d go to him first, and then if it was really a big deal (like, you know, shoplifting but he said it was ok) I’d have to be the evil mom who imposed punishment.

Otherwise, he could be very sweet and loving.

[Anonymous]

op, the thing about ADD people who aren’t actively managing their symptoms or have real organizational systems in place is that you can NEVER DEPEND ON THEM.

Here is how LiViNg with an untreated adhd spouse can be, over and over again:
Half the time they don’t hear you, half of that time they forget, the other fraction of time they mess up.

And then the litany of excuses and how it is never their fault.

Then the anger comes— how dare YOU point out that they forgot the interview appointment even tho you reminded them the night before, morning if and out it in their phone and physical calendar for them! You suck

The the depression comes — they really give up trying to keep up with life. The adhd was masked before during their simpleton bachelor days and maybe their intelligence covered it up as well. But now? No clue. A wife, a house, a sr job or two, 1 or 2 kids, a nanny, a school, a yard, two sets of elderly parents to manage. Total collapse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

We are divorced and have adult children.

OK so you're both indoor 50s and 60s.

I've seen what my MIL suffers through with FIL and NO THANKS. Dangerous driver, no great conversations- just nutball ones, can't remember gifts or holidays/birthdays/anniversaries, senile assumptions.

And once something happens to her, or he needs to take care of her, game over. He can't take care of anything or anyone. Not a car, not a bed, not a child, not a house, not a wife.

Just have some fun for a short while. But if you are wanting a life partner, get out now.

These were the two things that I regretted most about my marriage. I tried to never let him get on the beltway with the kids—sure, honey, I really want to drive Larlo to that birthday party in Falls Church, after taking Larla to Gaithersburg last week, because I need some more bonding time with those other moms! And conversation that went, “it was like, you know, wow.”

Also, the terrible parenting instincts, because he couldn’t focus beyond the short term. The kids learned about age 10 how to talk him out of every consequence for bad behavior, so they’d go to him first, and then if it was really a big deal (like, you know, shoplifting but he said it was ok) I’d have to be the evil mom who imposed punishment.

Otherwise, he could be very sweet and loving.

Backed when married I used to get the “what should we do today” question about 10x a day.
As if he couldn’t look around on a Saturday, or ever, and see the lawn needed mowing, the kids didn’t fit their clothes, birthdays were coming up, the curtain rod was pulled down, the garage was a mess, their clothes and empty packages were everywhere, their 7 yo still couldn’t ride a bike, had to pack for a vacation, etc.

[Anonymous]

If it's important to you to have someone who will do things like plan dates, follow through on commitments to you without you being constantly on him about it, and he's already bad about these things, you should split now. Because, it's not going to get better. If you're not ok with basically having to be the primary executive function for both of you, or he gets defensive or resentful or sulky of you for reminding him about following through on something, you should leave now. It is true that plenty of people with ADD can create the systems they need to follow through on their commitments to others, and will allow their partner to help them along on what they lack, BUT that requires the person to also have the emotional intelligence to be self-aware of their limitations, and to put effort into dealing with them, and to be able to accept help graciously. And, a lot of people just don't have that, so it's that lack plus the ADD that will make him a bad partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op, the thing about ADD people who aren’t actively managing their symptoms or have real organizational systems in place is that you can NEVER DEPEND ON THEM.

Here is how LiViNg with an untreated adhd spouse can be, over and over again:
Half the time they don’t hear you, half of that time they forget, the other fraction of time they mess up.

And then the litany of excuses and how it is never their fault.

Then the anger comes— how dare YOU point out that they forgot the interview appointment even tho you reminded them the night before, morning if and out it in their phone and physical calendar for them! You suck

The the depression comes — they really give up trying to keep up with life. The adhd was masked before during their simpleton bachelor days and maybe their intelligence covered it up as well. But now? No clue. A wife, a house, a sr job or two, 1 or 2 kids, a nanny, a school, a yard, two sets of elderly parents to manage. Total collapse.

Depression and ADD often come together because they operate through some of the same chemical channels. But it’s also true that some ADD people, like XDH, give up on trying because it’s easier to tell themselves they didn’t try than they tried and failed. Sometimes they even try to put it on you: “I know you asked me to paint the bathroom while you took the kids to their soccer games, but I knew you wouldn’t like the job I did.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op, the thing about ADD people who aren’t actively managing their symptoms or have real organizational systems in place is that you can NEVER DEPEND ON THEM.

Here is how LiViNg with an untreated adhd spouse can be, over and over again:
Half the time they don’t hear you, half of that time they forget, the other fraction of time they mess up.

And then the litany of excuses and how it is never their fault.

Then the anger comes— how dare YOU point out that they forgot the interview appointment even tho you reminded them the night before, morning if and out it in their phone and physical calendar for them! You suck

The the depression comes — they really give up trying to keep up with life. The adhd was masked before during their simpleton bachelor days and maybe their intelligence covered it up as well. But now? No clue. A wife, a house, a sr job or two, 1 or 2 kids, a nanny, a school, a yard, two sets of elderly parents to manage. Total collapse.

I got tired of excuses too. Lots of passive verbs and agency given to inanimate objects. I’d hear, “there’s cough medicine all over the cabinet because the bottle fell over and the lid was off.” But I could never say, “you left the cap off when you took your last dose 4 hours ago,” because I was always walking on eggshells. Then it wouldn’t occur to him to clean up, and I couldn’t nag him to do it (again, eggshells and defensiveness) so I’d always quietly clean the latest mess up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have fun but don't marry him, let alone have kids with him.

I married one, and it's super hard because he's either routinely late and missing important deadlines (unpaid taxes, bills, missing flights) or angry that I'm reminding him and trying to micromanage.

Not only that, my son has severe ADHD as a result.

So don't do this to yourself.

This seems like an awful thing to say. It's like you regard your son as a mistake because he has ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have fun but don't marry him, let alone have kids with him.

I married one, and it's super hard because he's either routinely late and missing important deadlines (unpaid taxes, bills, missing flights) or angry that I'm reminding him and trying to micromanage.

Not only that, my son has severe ADHD as a result.

So don't do this to yourself.

This seems like an awful thing to say. It's like you regard your son as a mistake because he has ADHD?

Therapists and counselors will tell you to view it as a disability and a gift. It is highly hereditary.