Dating someone with ADD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He ghosted me, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Then it was the fact that he was a garden-variety a-hole that caused him to “forget” your plans, etc....not the ADD. D-bag was using that as an excuse. If he shows up in a couple months and tries to gain re-entry (they have a way of doing that), do.not.take.him.back. He did you a favor — he’s not a quality person or partner no matter how much chemistry there was when you were actually together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

It can turn out OK. DC, who is 24, just got a diagnosis of ADD. This comes two years after DC graduated from a USNWR top 5 College, not summa cum laude, but with really good grades. DC works at a pretty intense policy consulting firm, and perhaps that’s not a great match, but DC is definitely viable in the work world. DC has already been in a few long-term (year or more) relationships that ended because of things like distance and people going to grad school, not the ADD. DC is applying to top grad schools. Also, we’re planning a family vacation, and DC is always thinking of details that didn’t occur to me, a NMSSF with no ADD (the ADD came from XDH). What makes the difference? DC has good self esteem, is quite bright, and has a fabulous work ethic.

I am the poster above divorcing my ADD husband. He is a brilliant doctor and all his patients adore him. From a work standpoint, he is a super successful. That is it, that is all he can focus on. He is hyper focused on work and nothing else. He will drive my son to school every morning and drive pass the school more than 10% of the time and have to turn around. I am surprised, looking back, that he never left our child in the car. Forget being interested in my life or career. His brain can’t focus on that stuff. He doesn’t see messes and walks right passed piles of clothes or stuff that will sit for months.
There were warning signs while dating that I missed - subtle signs. He never remembered my family’s names or basic info. He forgot events. We talked a lot about him.
Ensure your son has balance and empathy. It can work.

That's not ADD, that's NPD. You all need to stop pinning all bad personality traits on ADD. It's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

It can turn out OK. DC, who is 24, just got a diagnosis of ADD. This comes two years after DC graduated from a USNWR top 5 College, not summa cum laude, but with really good grades. DC works at a pretty intense policy consulting firm, and perhaps that’s not a great match, but DC is definitely viable in the work world. DC has already been in a few long-term (year or more) relationships that ended because of things like distance and people going to grad school, not the ADD. DC is applying to top grad schools. Also, we’re planning a family vacation, and DC is always thinking of details that didn’t occur to me, a NMSSF with no ADD (the ADD came from XDH). What makes the difference? DC has good self esteem, is quite bright, and has a fabulous work ethic.

Thanks great; Lots of adhd brilliant book smart people who excel at academics and office work.

Is your son taking any medicine? Good at verbal communication and owning up to things? Good at picking up after himself and multitasking personal and professional life? Does he want to get married and raise a family? Or just hyperfocus on career or studies?

A professor job is ideal for the high IQ ADD’er. Startup situation might be too taxing. Writing policy papers in your 20s whilst single, NBD.

PP here. DC just started adderall. Made it through a MoCo magnet and the top college without it. DC was your typical messy teenager but now says a clean living space is necessary for mental clarity, and follows through on that. The consulting firm is actually pretty intense. Perhaps the ADD isn’t particularly strong. But I really think the work ethic and self-esteem are key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

x100000

And then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

x100000

And then some.

X100000.
Esp worse for Ivy League, career successful ones with ADHD. They will lie and gaslight about their slip ups and then get angry at you for pointing them out while suffering from them. And this is regardless of their work ethic at the office or their high self esteem. In fact, being told they’re so smart and perfect at school or work makes them utter narcissists to deal with on the home front. Don’t confuse high self esteem with self centeredness. A strong marriage means caring for others more than yourself.

What’s NPD? Untreated adhd (w therapy and meds) absolutely leads to personality disorders. A life time of covering up mistakes and keeping track of lies and arguing with others instead of solving problems will do that to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inattentive type. He's just switched meds. Is this hopeless? He does seem to have problems following through with planning dates and such. When we are together the chemistry is amazing, so hard to give that up!

As a mother of a child with ADD, this breaks my heart. I get it must be hard for you. It still breaks my heart. I know how hard it is for my child.

It can turn out OK. DC, who is 24, just got a diagnosis of ADD. This comes two years after DC graduated from a USNWR top 5 College, not summa cum laude, but with really good grades. DC works at a pretty intense policy consulting firm, and perhaps that’s not a great match, but DC is definitely viable in the work world. DC has already been in a few long-term (year or more) relationships that ended because of things like distance and people going to grad school, not the ADD. DC is applying to top grad schools. Also, we’re planning a family vacation, and DC is always thinking of details that didn’t occur to me, a NMSSF with no ADD (the ADD came from XDH). What makes the difference? DC has good self esteem, is quite bright, and has a fabulous work ethic.

Thanks great; Lots of adhd brilliant book smart people who excel at academics and office work.

Is your son taking any medicine? Good at verbal communication and owning up to things? Good at picking up after himself and multitasking personal and professional life? Does he want to get married and raise a family? Or just hyperfocus on career or studies?

A professor job is ideal for the high IQ ADD’er. Startup situation might be too taxing. Writing policy papers in your 20s whilst single, NBD.

PP here. DC just started adderall. Made it through a MoCo magnet and the top college without it. DC was your typical messy teenager but now says a clean living space is necessary for mental clarity, and follows through on that. The consulting firm is actually pretty intense. Perhaps the ADD isn’t particularly strong. But I really think the work ethic and self-esteem are key.

Empathy is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay clear if you are thinking of having kids. If you are not, then just enjoy him and his quirks. However, the problems with ADHD become exacerbated when you have a child and it is highly likely that the child will also have ADHD.

x100000

And then some.

X100000.
Esp worse for Ivy League, career successful ones with ADHD. They will lie and gaslight about their slip ups and then get angry at you for pointing them out while suffering from them. And this is regardless of their work ethic at the office or their high self esteem. In fact, being told they’re so smart and perfect at school or work makes them utter narcissists to deal with on the home front. Don’t confuse high self esteem with self centeredness. A strong marriage means caring for others more than yourself.

What’s NPD? Untreated adhd (w therapy and meds) absolutely leads to personality disorders. A life time of covering up mistakes and keeping track of lies and arguing with others instead of solving problems will do that to them.

Meh. I’m the pp with the dc with a recent diagnosis. XDH, who went to a good state school, has ADD and lied and covered up and got defensive and angry. DC, who went to a “top ivy,” is having honest conversations with boss about what tasks s/he’s better and worse at. And boss (who at the end of the day wants good products) is being sympathetic and helpful.

[Anonymous]

I wrote the original post in Dec. We went out again in May, then life got crazy for both of us. I was stood up last week— no reply to text or anything. I give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote the original post in Dec. We went out again in May, then life got crazy for both of us. I was stood up last week— no reply to text or anything. I give up.

So funny. I’m the PP who said he would probably show up again in a few months and warned you not to let him back in. I didn’t realize it was an old thread. These guys are so predictable.

[Anonymous]

People with ADD or ADHD often really have other issues. ADD of ADHD is just the most visible symptom. Being an asshole is not a trait of ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with ADD or ADHD often really have other issues. ADD of ADHD is just the most visible symptom. Being an asshole is not a trait of ADHD.

Sometimes it is hard to tell what is causing what, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote the original post in Dec. We went out again in May, then life got crazy for both of us. I was stood up last week— no reply to text or anything. I give up.

So funny. I’m the PP who said he would probably show up again in a few months and warned you not to let him back in. I didn’t realize it was an old thread. These guys are so predictable.

I'm OP again. I wanted to add that he didn't actually ghost me last winter. Some other stuff happened and we didn't communicate for a month, then it took two months to find a date we were both free. It's been a journey. LOL

[Anonymous]

I’m starting to think that most of the “ADD” here is just how male brains work. In modern times, people are in denial about how much men and woman evolved to handle different aspects of life. American women have been duped into the “men and women are basically the same” delusion and they drives themselves (and their husbands) crazy when their husband’s inevitably don’t handle the housework like they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with ADD or ADHD often really have other issues. ADD of ADHD is just the most visible symptom. Being an asshole is not a trait of ADHD.

Sometimes it is hard to tell what is causing what, though.

true, 10, 20, 30 years of unhealthily coping with ADHD will create a lot of disorders for a therapist to unpeel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m starting to think that most of the “ADD” here is just how male brains work. In modern times, people are in denial about how much men and woman evolved to handle different aspects of life. American women have been duped into the “men and women are basically the same” delusion and they drives themselves (and their husbands) crazy when their husband’s inevitably don’t handle the housework like they do.

ADD is not about forgetting to do obvious housework or your share. It's about forgetting about conversations, decisions, what to do. It's about walking around the house with horse blinders on to anyone talking to you or anything that needs attending to. It's about saying you'll do something and then not doing it at home and at work. It's about losing track of time every single morning or weekend. It's about never planning a trip or day or event in a logical way - just check the box. It's about losing your parked car, keys, phone, wallet on a weekly basis. It's about eating frozen pizza every single night when your spouse is traveling because it's too much brain power to meal plan, cook, clean, think. It's about asking a question at a group dinner three times in a row to questions/answers that were just discussed because you can't pay attention. Or on the hyper side, it's about talking a mile a minute with no filter - all the time.

After a few years of someone (usually a spouse or boss) noticing, then the anxiety, depression, passive aggressiveness, and anger sets in. Usually they were like that growing up, but their Mom made their life uber-simple: Just study and get got grades. No chores, No sports, No ECs, No trips, No big house, No lots of stuff, No responsibilities. Just simple dimple.