DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I endured this with my DS. He was always late in the morning, no matter how many discussions we had. I told DS he needed to walk to the bus because he wasn't being respectful of my time. He continued being late so he didn't have enough time to walk and if he missed the bus, I would have to drive him to school instead. Regardless of many discussions, this continued. If your DH has to deal with that on a daily basis, I can see why he's upset. It's likely he feels that he wasn't being unkind and that your daughter created the situation with her behavior and then was scolding him about being not nice. Your DH overreacted, but making her walk wasn't abusive, and was likely done out of built up frustration. My younger DD has to wake up at the same time and manages to get ready on time. There have been days where she's disorganized and forgets things, but I don't get upset about that because I know I sometimes forget things. My DS does it daily, so I'm not as accommodating. Your DD needs to apologize and also Coke up with a plan for how she will avoid being late going forward. Otherwise, it will build unnecessary animosity between your DH and your DD. And the pp who said it reminds her of when her dad slapped her is equating two very different things. I would never slap my kids, or anyone for that matter.

That’s different because you had a son who was disrespecting you a female. OP’s case is about a daughter disrespecting her father a male. As everyone on here agrees that is fine and the father is abusive for pushing back.

[Anonymous]

How was she "disrespecting" him? She wasn't actually late, she made it out the door on time... he didn't leave her behind because she was late, he eft her behind because he couldn't tolerate being called on his own tone! SHE used a grumpy tone of voice. He called her on it, which is perfectly appropriate, and she apologized but also stood up for herself, expressing her view that he wasn't being very nice to her either, which is also perfectly appropriate, and he had a tantrum, kicked her out of the car, and now won't speak to her or sit down with her and have a normal conversation ("Hey, I'm not feeling too good about the other morning, and I know you aren't either, can we talk about why we each got upset and try to find a better way to handle morning?")

It sounds like SHE was acting like the adult, and he was acting like... well, gee, Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump come to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was she "disrespecting" him? She wasn't actually late, she made it out the door on time... he didn't leave her behind because she was late, he eft her behind because he couldn't tolerate being called on his own tone! SHE used a grumpy tone of voice. He called her on it, which is perfectly appropriate, and she apologized but also stood up for herself, expressing her view that he wasn't being very nice to her either, which is also perfectly appropriate, and he had a tantrum, kicked her out of the car, and now won't speak to her or sit down with her and have a normal conversation ("Hey, I'm not feeling too good about the other morning, and I know you aren't either, can we talk about why we each got upset and try to find a better way to handle morning?")

It sounds like SHE was acting like the adult, and he was acting like... well, gee, Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump come to mind.

You're part of the reason men aren't more sympathetic to women--I say this as a woman. You are actually equating him to Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump? Who wants to listen to real cases of misogyny, when everything is equal. A dad making his daughter walk to the bus is equal to someone who grabs women by their P and to a man who allegedly attempted to rape someone? She is not acting like an adult if she is late on a daily basis. If you had to drive your spouse to work daily and everyday they are late, would you think that's ok?

[Anonymous]

Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was she "disrespecting" him? She wasn't actually late, she made it out the door on time... he didn't leave her behind because she was late, he eft her behind because he couldn't tolerate being called on his own tone! SHE used a grumpy tone of voice. He called her on it, which is perfectly appropriate, and she apologized but also stood up for herself, expressing her view that he wasn't being very nice to her either, which is also perfectly appropriate, and he had a tantrum, kicked her out of the car, and now won't speak to her or sit down with her and have a normal conversation ("Hey, I'm not feeling too good about the other morning, and I know you aren't either, can we talk about why we each got upset and try to find a better way to handle morning?")

It sounds like SHE was acting like the adult, and he was acting like... well, gee, Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump come to mind.

You're part of the reason men aren't more sympathetic to women--I say this as a woman. You are actually equating him to Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump? Who wants to listen to real cases of misogyny, when everything is equal. A dad making his daughter walk to the bus is equal to someone who grabs women by their P and to a man who allegedly attempted to rape someone? She is not acting like an adult if she is late on a daily basis. If you had to drive your spouse to work daily and everyday they are late, would you think that's ok?

Not equating DH to a rapist or assaulter - but the male tendency to fly into a rage when challenged is what they have in common. Instead of, oh, I don't know, speaking to his DH with empathy, a willingness to listen, and - gasp - maybe even a willingness to occasionally admit fault himself. ("You're right, I was maybe being overly critical. I guess I get frustrated sometimes, but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. What are your thoughts on how we can make mornings go more smoothly without us getting frustrated at one another?")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was she "disrespecting" him? She wasn't actually late, she made it out the door on time... he didn't leave her behind because she was late, he eft her behind because he couldn't tolerate being called on his own tone! SHE used a grumpy tone of voice. He called her on it, which is perfectly appropriate, and she apologized but also stood up for herself, expressing her view that he wasn't being very nice to her either, which is also perfectly appropriate, and he had a tantrum, kicked her out of the car, and now won't speak to her or sit down with her and have a normal conversation ("Hey, I'm not feeling too good about the other morning, and I know you aren't either, can we talk about why we each got upset and try to find a better way to handle morning?")

It sounds like SHE was acting like the adult, and he was acting like... well, gee, Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump come to mind.

You're part of the reason men aren't more sympathetic to women--I say this as a woman. You are actually equating him to Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump? Who wants to listen to real cases of misogyny, when everything is equal. A dad making his daughter walk to the bus is equal to someone who grabs women by their P and to a man who allegedly attempted to rape someone? She is not acting like an adult if she is late on a daily basis. If you had to drive your spouse to work daily and everyday they are late, would you think that's ok?

Not equating DH to a rapist or assaulter - but the male tendency to fly into a rage when challenged is what they have in common. Instead of, oh, I don't know, speaking to his DH with empathy, a willingness to listen, and - gasp - maybe even a willingness to occasionally admit fault himself. ("You're right, I was maybe being overly critical. I guess I get frustrated sometimes, but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. What are your thoughts on how we can make mornings go more smoothly without us getting frustrated at one another?")

Typo. ^^ Meant "speaking to his DD"^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

I have pulled up to the bus stop just in time for DS to sprint to get on the bus. I've had to speed on other occasions to get there on time. I've had DS regularly running to the car shoeless and having to put his shoes on in the car so we could make it to the bus stop. Some days DS had to skip brushing his teeth. DS didn't miss the bus on those days. I've had to go to the next bus stop because the bus was closing its doors and DS wouldn't make it. When OP says her DD has never missed the bus, I think she needs to find out the details of what that means. If DD is ready everyday ontime with no close misses or speeding on a regular basis, then her DH is completely at fault. If it's what I experienced, it's very frustrating to deal with and that day may just have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I reread the original post and it seems like OP is seeing other issue, but this on its own isn't a sign of some major problem, depending on how never missing the bus comes about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was she "disrespecting" him? She wasn't actually late, she made it out the door on time... he didn't leave her behind because she was late, he eft her behind because he couldn't tolerate being called on his own tone! SHE used a grumpy tone of voice. He called her on it, which is perfectly appropriate, and she apologized but also stood up for herself, expressing her view that he wasn't being very nice to her either, which is also perfectly appropriate, and he had a tantrum, kicked her out of the car, and now won't speak to her or sit down with her and have a normal conversation ("Hey, I'm not feeling too good about the other morning, and I know you aren't either, can we talk about why we each got upset and try to find a better way to handle morning?")

It sounds like SHE was acting like the adult, and he was acting like... well, gee, Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump come to mind.

You're part of the reason men aren't more sympathetic to women--I say this as a woman. You are actually equating him to Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump? Who wants to listen to real cases of misogyny, when everything is equal. A dad making his daughter walk to the bus is equal to someone who grabs women by their P and to a man who allegedly attempted to rape someone? She is not acting like an adult if she is late on a daily basis. If you had to drive your spouse to work daily and everyday they are late, would you think that's ok?

Not equating DH to a rapist or assaulter - but the male tendency to fly into a rage when challenged is what they have in common. Instead of, oh, I don't know, speaking to his DH with empathy, a willingness to listen, and - gasp - maybe even a willingness to occasionally admit fault himself. ("You're right, I was maybe being overly critical. I guess I get frustrated sometimes, but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. What are your thoughts on how we can make mornings go more smoothly without us getting frustrated at one another?")

Who are the men you hang out with? I didn't grow up with men with that tendency. Please stop generalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

I have pulled up to the bus stop just in time for DS to sprint to get on the bus. I've had to speed on other occasions to get there on time. I've had DS regularly running to the car shoeless and having to put his shoes on in the car so we could make it to the bus stop. Some days DS had to skip brushing his teeth. DS didn't miss the bus on those days. I've had to go to the next bus stop because the bus was closing its doors and DS wouldn't make it. When OP says her DD has never missed the bus, I think she needs to find out the details of what that means. If DD is ready everyday ontime with no close misses or speeding on a regular basis, then her DH is completely at fault. If it's what I experienced, it's very frustrating to deal with and that day may just have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I reread the original post and it seems like OP is seeing other issue, but this on its own isn't a sign of some major problem, depending on how never missing the bus comes about.

They are never even close to late. DH (reasonably) likes to arrive early. They often end up waiting for 5-15 mins before the bus actually leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was she "disrespecting" him? She wasn't actually late, she made it out the door on time... he didn't leave her behind because she was late, he eft her behind because he couldn't tolerate being called on his own tone! SHE used a grumpy tone of voice. He called her on it, which is perfectly appropriate, and she apologized but also stood up for herself, expressing her view that he wasn't being very nice to her either, which is also perfectly appropriate, and he had a tantrum, kicked her out of the car, and now won't speak to her or sit down with her and have a normal conversation ("Hey, I'm not feeling too good about the other morning, and I know you aren't either, can we talk about why we each got upset and try to find a better way to handle morning?")

It sounds like SHE was acting like the adult, and he was acting like... well, gee, Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump come to mind.

You're part of the reason men aren't more sympathetic to women--I say this as a woman. You are actually equating him to Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump? Who wants to listen to real cases of misogyny, when everything is equal. A dad making his daughter walk to the bus is equal to someone who grabs women by their P and to a man who allegedly attempted to rape someone? She is not acting like an adult if she is late on a daily basis. If you had to drive your spouse to work daily and everyday they are late, would you think that's ok?

Not equating DH to a rapist or assaulter - but the male tendency to fly into a rage when challenged is what they have in common. Instead of, oh, I don't know, speaking to his DH with empathy, a willingness to listen, and - gasp - maybe even a willingness to occasionally admit fault himself. ("You're right, I was maybe being overly critical. I guess I get frustrated sometimes, but I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. What are your thoughts on how we can make mornings go more smoothly without us getting frustrated at one another?")

Who are the men you hang out with? I didn't grow up with men with that tendency. Please stop generalizing.

Fair enough. Not all men are like this. But DH's behavior is like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

I have pulled up to the bus stop just in time for DS to sprint to get on the bus. I've had to speed on other occasions to get there on time. I've had DS regularly running to the car shoeless and having to put his shoes on in the car so we could make it to the bus stop. Some days DS had to skip brushing his teeth. DS didn't miss the bus on those days. I've had to go to the next bus stop because the bus was closing its doors and DS wouldn't make it. When OP says her DD has never missed the bus, I think she needs to find out the details of what that means. If DD is ready everyday ontime with no close misses or speeding on a regular basis, then her DH is completely at fault. If it's what I experienced, it's very frustrating to deal with and that day may just have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I reread the original post and it seems like OP is seeing other issue, but this on its own isn't a sign of some major problem, depending on how never missing the bus comes about.

They are never even close to late. DH (reasonably) likes to arrive early. They often end up waiting for 5-15 mins before the bus actually leaves.

Then you need to have a serious talk with your DH.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the issue here is whether or not DD was late, it is whether DH is handling her normal teen behavior in a constructive way or not. Of course she should be on time and of course he is reasonable to want her to be on time. The question is whether he can handle this and the other thousand little teen irritants without turning them all into power struggles that drive a wedge between them.

He can "win" every time because he is an adult and he has the car keys and so on, but that kind of winning is losing in the long run if it destroys their relationship. It is normal for teens to struggle with organizational skills and to "test" their parents. The parent's job is to set boundaries but also show humor, love and empathy. He needs to find better ways to handle DD or he will just end up with a bitter, resentful child who doesn't like being with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD has always worshipped DH but she is now 14 and engaging in some "testing" behavior. She is a great kid, smart, kind, good grades, lots of friends, but she is also a typical teen: messy, disorganized, grumpy in the morning, argumentative. DH seems like he can't tolerate what to me seems like just normal adolescent behavior, and it is taking on toll on their relationship (and on all of us!).

Example: DH drives DD and our other kids to the school bus stop in the morning. Other kids are ready five minutes before it's time to leave; DD is still putting shoes on, looking for her book, etc. They have never actually been late or missed the bus, but she does tend to dawdle and be a bit disorganized ("Oh wait I have to run back to my room and get my gym clothes!"). DH is constantly on her about it: says, in a very irritable and judgmental way, "Are you ready? We're leaving in five minutes! Come ON! We're waiting!" This morning, DD responded pretty sulkily: she said, "I'm coming!" but in a pretty pissy voice, causing DH to say, as they walked out the door, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me," to which DD responded, as she started to open the car door, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I feel like you're not being very nice to me, either," at which DH said, "Get out of the car. I'm not taking you. You can walk."

So DH drives off with the other kids (who sit there in shocked silence, and call me, very upset, as soon as DH drops them off, and DD walks the mile to her bus stop, and also calls me, very upset.

Am I wrong to think DH overreacted? Now they're not speaking to each other, and when I say, "Maybe you should go talk to DD," DH says, "I'm not talking to her, she needs to apologize to ME."

This kind of thing is now happening frequently - he gets into these ridiculous power struggles and then HE acts like he's fourteen too. I hate watching this. DD feels angry and betrayed.

Suggestions?

Ok ok, I haven't read the other replies, but am replying right away as this was my exact situation and I've made progress. First, get that book, "Yes Your Teen is Crazy!" which is actually a fun read. It teaches you how to fix yourself (the parent) and that creates better behavior with your teen. Read it and then make your DH read it (it's the only book I've made him read). It's because you two need to be on the same page as to why you will do what you will do--which in short, is not react to annoying teen behavior. He won't listen to you; he will read what the experts say and then be persuaded.

Second, this is tricky, because your teen may not want to, but have them go to dinner (like a "date" but don't use that word) once every week or two. With your DH, you can be open about it, but for your teen, you probably don't want to say, "this is to work on the relationship, blah blah" but rather make it seem organic....YOU be busy with your other kids, and have Dad take her to dinner (as opposed to dinner at home). The restaurant forces the two together in a mindful way. Tell your DH to keep the conversation light, nothing about chores or personal improvement, etc.

Third, just periodically, remind your DH to keep his comments X% positive. At one point, I was like, "I'll do the correcting; you just say nothing or be 100% positive comments." Basically I took him out of commission to do a hard-reset (or break) on their relational communication.

[Anonymous]

Move on. Instead make a plan to get her up on time. Make sure she has everything ready to go the night before - bag packed, clothing picked out, lunch money/lunch at the door ready to go. She can always eat breakfast in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.

It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.

OP, that line really spoke to me. I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short. I was 16. He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt. I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers. I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation. Didn't pay one dime towards my college. Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not). My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years. If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children. We act like we don't even know who he is.

Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.

No $hit Sherlock. Of course this specific incident was just the last straw for both of use once he put his hands on me. You are ridiculous for coming on a thread, criticizing someone else's comment while adding no value to the topic all. Thanks for your input. I was not going to hijack OP's thread describing all of the many power struggles I had with my father that led to this finale. You guys are focusing on the bus stop incident because OP used that as an example. But her subject line is "DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD" so I'm guessing they have other power struggles as well, the bus stop incident was just the most recent.

OP, as another posted stated, I can only be a cautionary tale. My family never figured how to work this out. I was never a "Daddy's girl", so I just didn't care that we didn't speak. And it was clear to me that he didn't either. As a teenager, my brain just would not allow me to reach out to him. After about six months, I just thought of him as this man that lived in our house. We avoided each other at all costs. If he walked in a room, I walked out. Our family no longer ate dinner together (except for big family gatherings), we didn't travel together, I never asked him for a single thing after this incident. We were never alone together again after this happened, it just became life. The struggles ended, but so did our relationship. Everyone in my family knows what's up, they know that we are dead to each other. My parents later divorced after 34 years of marriage (side note...he has to pay her $1500 in alimony until she dies or remarries--she has been unmarried for 25 years and counting) because my mother could no longer deal with his emotional abuse towards her that eventually he started with when he kicked me out and physical abuse towards me that I would no longer tolerate (thus me getting kicked out).

OP, I could go on and on about the power struggles I went through with him. He wanted to show he was the powerful one and I guess he was, but I do not regret for one minute how our relationship has turned out. It has taught me to be a very different kind of parent and person. As they say, when people show (and tell) you who they are, believe them.