Reply to DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Our DD has always worshipped DH but she is now 14 and engaging in some "testing" behavior. She is a great kid, smart, kind, good grades, lots of friends, but she is also a typical teen: messy, disorganized, grumpy in the morning, argumentative. DH seems like he can't tolerate what to me seems like just normal adolescent behavior, and it is taking on toll on their relationship (and on all of us!).

Example: DH drives DD and our other kids to the school bus stop in the morning. Other kids are ready five minutes before it's time to leave; DD is still putting shoes on, looking for her book, etc. They have never actually been late or missed the bus, but she does tend to dawdle and be a bit disorganized ("Oh wait I have to run back to my room and get my gym clothes!"). DH is constantly on her about it: says, in a very irritable and judgmental way, "Are you ready? We're leaving in five minutes! Come ON! We're waiting!" This morning, DD responded pretty sulkily: she said, "I'm coming!" but in a pretty pissy voice, causing DH to say, as they walked out the door, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me," to which DD responded, as she started to open the car door, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I feel like you're not being very nice to me, either," at which DH said, "Get out of the car. I'm not taking you. You can walk."

So DH drives off with the other kids (who sit there in shocked silence, and call me, very upset, as soon as DH drops them off, and DD walks the mile to her  bus stop, and also calls me, very upset.

Am I wrong to think DH overreacted? Now they're not speaking to each other, and when I say, "Maybe you should go talk to DD," DH says, "I'm not talking to her, she needs to apologize to ME."

This kind of thing is now happening frequently - he gets into these ridiculous power struggles and then HE acts like he's fourteen too. I hate watching this. DD feels angry and betrayed.

Suggestions?[/quote]

Ok ok, I haven't read the other replies, but am replying right away as this was my exact situation and I've made progress.  First, get that book, "Yes Your Teen is Crazy!" which is actually a fun read.  It teaches you how to fix yourself (the parent) and that creates better behavior with your teen.  Read it and then make your DH read it (it's the only book I've made him read).  It's because you two need to be on the same page as to why you will do what you will do--which in short, is not react to annoying teen behavior.  He won't listen to you; he will read what the experts say and then be persuaded.

Second, this is tricky, because your teen may not want to, but have them go to dinner (like a "date" but don't use that word) once every week or two.  With your DH, you can be open about it, but for your teen, you probably don't want to say, "this is to work on the relationship, blah blah" but rather make it seem organic....YOU be busy with your other kids, and have Dad take her to dinner (as opposed to dinner at home).  The restaurant forces the two together in a mindful way.  Tell your DH to keep the conversation light, nothing about chores or personal improvement, etc.

Third, just periodically, remind your DH to keep his comments X% positive.  At one point, I was like, "I'll do the correcting; you just say nothing or be 100% positive comments."  Basically I took him out of commission to do a hard-reset (or break) on their relational communication.[/quote]

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