DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

I am not pp you replied to. I also posted about the not talking being the abuse here. You might be the parent who does the same thing to her kids, if you can see what a major issue that is. Read up online just how abusive and damaging it is when a parent refuses to talk to the child that lives with him in the same house. Above pp is right, all this harpign about being on time, is absolutely not relevant. Dad is acting abusive.

Having a kid walk to the bus stop is not abusive as she wasn't ready and its a constant battle. It isn't abusive to tell your kid that their attitude is poor and the consequence is walking. My kids have everything ready to go the night before and I drive them to school. We don't have the luxury of buses at our public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

I am not pp you replied to. I also posted about the not talking being the abuse here. You might be the parent who does the same thing to her kids, if you can see what a major issue that is. Read up online just how abusive and damaging it is when a parent refuses to talk to the child that lives with him in the same house. Above pp is right, all this harpign about being on time, is absolutely not relevant. Dad is acting abusive.

That's not abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The really sad thing? OP was raised by a critical, angry, controlling father. And he hasn’t spoken to him in two decades. That is what breaks my heart about this.

OP this is your answer right here.

Your husband was raised this way and he doesn't know any other way. He needs help to learn how to talk without anger to a teen. He wasn't treated that way himself and he doesn't know that there are other ways.

[Anonymous]

I am seriously disappointed with the number of pps who think it is fine for dad to treat her teen DD with the silent treatment. It makes me think you are all doing this to you kids and probably spouses. There is the answer right there, for so many unhappy marriage and family posts here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

I am not pp you replied to. I also posted about the not talking being the abuse here. You might be the parent who does the same thing to her kids, if you can see what a major issue that is. Read up online just how abusive and damaging it is when a parent refuses to talk to the child that lives with him in the same house. Above pp is right, all this harpign about being on time, is absolutely not relevant. Dad is acting abusive.

That's not abusive.

You are wrong. I hope this reply doesn't mean you treat your kids with silence?

[Anonymous]

It seems like your husband is really organized and gets anxious when it is getting close to leaving the house and your DD is not close to ready. I think you should recommend that he has a frank conversation with your DD. Something like: "I hate arguing with you and having both of us angry at each other for something small. I know we all react different to time crunches, and while you are ok with it, it really stresses me our that your siblings might be late. Can we decided an appropriate time for you to be ready by? I will be out the door by X:00 and if you are ready, great, I'll drive you. If you are not ready by that time, then I'll just drop of your siblings and you walk to the bus stop. Please don't ask me to wait a few minutes for you because that set time is that is the latest time I am willing to wait. It is up to you to be ready if you want a ride. If you need to I can give you a 10 minute warning." I think that sets a clear parameter that you daughter can understand and it will eliminate this particular argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

I am not pp you replied to. I also posted about the not talking being the abuse here. You might be the parent who does the same thing to her kids, if you can see what a major issue that is. Read up online just how abusive and damaging it is when a parent refuses to talk to the child that lives with him in the same house. Above pp is right, all this harpign about being on time, is absolutely not relevant. Dad is acting abusive.

Having a kid walk to the bus stop is not abusive as she wasn't ready and its a constant battle. It isn't abusive to tell your kid that their attitude is poor and the consequence is walking. My kids have everything ready to go the night before and I drive them to school. We don't have the luxury of buses at our public.

You lack reading comprehension, or you just don't read posts? Let me spell it for you. Dad is wrong to treat his dd with silent treatment for hours and days on end. THAT IS ABUSIVE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

I am not pp you replied to. I also posted about the not talking being the abuse here. You might be the parent who does the same thing to her kids, if you can see what a major issue that is. Read up online just how abusive and damaging it is when a parent refuses to talk to the child that lives with him in the same house. Above pp is right, all this harpign about being on time, is absolutely not relevant. Dad is acting abusive.

Having a kid walk to the bus stop is not abusive as she wasn't ready and its a constant battle. It isn't abusive to tell your kid that their attitude is poor and the consequence is walking. My kids have everything ready to go the night before and I drive them to school. We don't have the luxury of buses at our public.

You lack reading comprehension, or you just don't read posts? Let me spell it for you. Dad is wrong to treat his dd with silent treatment for hours and days on end. THAT IS ABUSIVE!

No, its not. You don't know what abuse is if think that is abuse. It is not the best parenting choice but its far from abuse.

[Anonymous]

^^ so experts say it is abusive, but you like to go with what is more and less abusive? Gosh, I pity your kids.
https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2014/02/16/the-silent-treatment-is-a-form-of-emotional-child-abuse/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dd is 100 % in the wrong. She needs to stop being disorganized and get her stuff together. I can’t stand dawdling. I would make her walk everyday and ground her for being disrespectful.

Agree. He isn’t wrong.

She isn’t in charge and she’s a low person on the totem pole in the family. She’s not respecting dad’s time or the others involved. Sometimes parents talk to their kids in a way they don’t like and that’s okay. That’s why they’re the parent and getting tomdomthat is part of the dynamic. She needs to get over it and realize discipline is an essential part of the parent/child relationship when the child is being rude, not listening after being told a hundred times to be more organized and punctual. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson for once since apparently Mom has no consequences for DD’s rude and disorganized behavior.

Is that you, DH? Stop posting here and go take a parenting class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dd is 100 % in the wrong. She needs to stop being disorganized and get her stuff together. I can’t stand dawdling. I would make her walk everyday and ground her for being disrespectful.

Agree. He isn’t wrong.

She isn’t in charge and she’s a low person on the totem pole in the family. She’s not respecting dad’s time or the others involved. Sometimes parents talk to their kids in a way they don’t like and that’s okay. That’s why they’re the parent and getting tomdomthat is part of the dynamic. She needs to get over it and realize discipline is an essential part of the parent/child relationship when the child is being rude, not listening after being told a hundred times to be more organized and punctual. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson for once since apparently Mom has no consequences for DD’s rude and disorganized behavior.

Is that you, DH? Stop posting here and go take a parenting class.

Hey DAD!

[Anonymous]

Your husband was at fault. Respect goes both ways. She was rude, but the she apologized. He has also been rude. He should apologize and talk with her calmly about getting her stuff ready the night before.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wanted to give an update. So, it took five days... but DH finally admitted, initially just to me, that he handled this badly... he said he didn’t know. How to talk to DD about it. At my urging he actually read at least part of one of the books on parenting teens... and, miracle, he went and apologized to DD, even managing to stay quiet and just listen while she vented a bit. He told her he had been overbearing and that he was embarrassed at acting with her the way his father had with him: he said, “Sometimes when i don’t know what do do, I guess I just do what I know.” And both he and she are now much happier.

I am hoping and praying that he will remember this the next five hundred times DD does some kind of aggravating teenage thing!

[Anonymous]

Aw OP I’m so glad it’s better. My dad never apologized to me. Good for him.

[Anonymous]

Excellent news, OP. Very happy for your family. Shows lots of growth potential for your DH -- something we all need. Good for him.