Reply to DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now [b]he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes.[/b] I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.

It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.[/quote]

OP, that line really spoke to me.  I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short.  I was 16.  He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt.  I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers.  I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation.  Didn't pay one dime towards my college.  Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not).  My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years.  If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children.  We act like we don't even know who he is. [/quote]

Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.[/quote]

No $hit Sherlock.  Of course this specific incident was just the last straw for both of use once he put his hands on me. You are ridiculous for coming on a thread, criticizing someone else's comment while adding no value to the topic all. Thanks for your input.  I was not going to hijack OP's thread describing all of the many power struggles I had with my father that led to this finale.  You guys are focusing on the bus stop incident because OP used that as an example.  But her subject line is "DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD" so I'm guessing they have other power struggles as well, the bus stop incident was just the most recent.

OP, as another posted stated, I can only be a cautionary tale.  My family never figured how to work this out.  I was never a "Daddy's girl", so I just didn't care that we didn't speak.  And it was clear to me that he didn't either. As a teenager, my brain just would not allow me to reach out to him.  After about six months, I just thought of him as this man that lived in our house.  We avoided each other at all costs.  If he walked in a room,  I walked out. Our family no longer ate dinner together (except for big family gatherings), we didn't travel together, I never asked him for a single thing after this incident.  We were never alone together again after this happened, it just became life.   The struggles ended, but so did our relationship.    Everyone in my family knows what's up, they know that we are dead to each other.   My parents later divorced after 34 years of marriage (side note...he has to pay her $1500 in alimony until she dies or remarries--she has been unmarried for 25 years and counting) because my mother could no longer deal with his emotional abuse towards her that eventually he started with when he kicked me out and physical abuse towards me that I would no longer tolerate (thus me getting kicked out).

OP, I could go on and on about the power struggles I went through with him.  He wanted to show he was the powerful one and I guess he was, but I do not regret for one minute how our relationship has turned out. It has taught me to be a very different kind of parent and person.  As they say, when people show (and tell) you who they are, believe them. [/quote]

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