DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

[Anonymous]

He overreacted by making her walk but she needs to be ready on time. It’s not fair that everyone is waiting for her every morning. Actually, maybe it’s not overreacting bc I doubt it was really a mile walk to the bus stop. Otherwise, she would have missed the bus. Maybe she’ll be on time next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He overreacted by making her walk but she needs to be ready on time. It’s not fair that everyone is waiting for her every morning. Actually, maybe it’s not overreacting bc I doubt it was really a mile walk to the bus stop. Otherwise, she would have missed the bus. Maybe she’ll be on time next time.

You guys, the OP used the bus as an example of the power struggle, this is not the only struggle they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

And he didn't make her walk because she wasn't ready. She was ready. He made her walk because she told him he wasn't being very nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

[Anonymous]

huh? what others? this happened in OP's driveway. And how do you know there was an "agreed upon time"? You're making assumptions not warranted by OP's description.

[Anonymous]

It would be absolutely unacceptable to me if my DH gave one of our kids the silent treatment like that . That is bullshit. It's rude, immature, and just a shitty way to treat someone you supposedly love. If behavior like this was part of a pattern, I'd have a serious talk with DH. And the talk would go something like: You have no relationship with your father because he treated you exactly like you are treating our DD. I will not tolerate behavior from you that threatens our future relationship with her. So get your shit together and stop acting like an asshole. If you can't do that, our marriage is not going to survive.

I had a talk like this with my own DH several years ago. I was dead serious, and it finally got his attention. He made some significant changes in his parenting, although parenting our teen DS1 was never easy for him. But he did better, I counseled DS1 behind the scenes, (helping him see when he needed to apologize, be more respectful, etc --I think DS listened to me because he knew that i didn't always take DH's side, so when I said to DS, "Well, you're right, Dad shouldn't have lost hs temper, but you were very rude. I do think you owe him an apology," DS often took my advice), and we were able to get through DS1's adolescence with their relationship in reasonable shape. But i did feel like i was parenting DH as well as DS sometimes. DH just did not have a good parenting model, so I had to provide one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be absolutely unacceptable to me if my DH gave one of our kids the silent treatment like that . That is bullshit. It's rude, immature, and just a shitty way to treat someone you supposedly love. If behavior like this was part of a pattern, I'd have a serious talk with DH. And the talk would go something like: You have no relationship with your father because he treated you exactly like you are treating our DD. I will not tolerate behavior from you that threatens our future relationship with her. So get your shit together and stop acting like an asshole. If you can't do that, our marriage is not going to survive.

I had a talk like this with my own DH several years ago. I was dead serious, and it finally got his attention. He made some significant changes in his parenting, although parenting our teen DS1 was never easy for him. But he did better, I counseled DS1 behind the scenes, (helping him see when he needed to apologize, be more respectful, etc --I think DS listened to me because he knew that i didn't always take DH's side, so when I said to DS, "Well, you're right, Dad shouldn't have lost hs temper, but you were very rude. I do think you owe him an apology," DS often took my advice), and we were able to get through DS1's adolescence with their relationship in reasonable shape. But i did feel like i was parenting DH as well as DS sometimes. DH just did not have a good parenting model, so I had to provide one.

Nice story bro.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be absolutely unacceptable to me if my DH gave one of our kids the silent treatment like that . That is bullshit. It's rude, immature, and just a shitty way to treat someone you supposedly love. If behavior like this was part of a pattern, I'd have a serious talk with DH. And the talk would go something like: You have no relationship with your father because he treated you exactly like you are treating our DD. I will not tolerate behavior from you that threatens our future relationship with her. So get your shit together and stop acting like an asshole. If you can't do that, our marriage is not going to survive.

I had a talk like this with my own DH several years ago. I was dead serious, and it finally got his attention. He made some significant changes in his parenting, although parenting our teen DS1 was never easy for him. But he did better, I counseled DS1 behind the scenes, (helping him see when he needed to apologize, be more respectful, etc --I think DS listened to me because he knew that i didn't always take DH's side, so when I said to DS, "Well, you're right, Dad shouldn't have lost hs temper, but you were very rude. I do think you owe him an apology," DS often took my advice), and we were able to get through DS1's adolescence with their relationship in reasonable shape. But i did feel like i was parenting DH as well as DS sometimes. DH just did not have a good parenting model, so I had to provide one.

Did feeling like you had to "parent" your DH take a toll on your marriage? I totally feel like my DH needs to be parented, and up to a point I'm willing - he had a shitty childhood and needs a ton of attention, reassurance, praise, time, etc. - but I have to admit it makes it hard to feel sexually attracted to him. I do sort of feel like he's a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

I am not pp you replied to. I also posted about the not talking being the abuse here. You might be the parent who does the same thing to her kids, if you can see what a major issue that is. Read up online just how abusive and damaging it is when a parent refuses to talk to the child that lives with him in the same house. Above pp is right, all this harpign about being on time, is absolutely not relevant. Dad is acting abusive.

[Anonymous]

And BTW, we are not talking staying silent when toddler is throwing a tantrum, or ignoring your 5 year old that wants a candy bar at a store. We are not talking young child in a time out, we are talking full on, most likely narcissist dad punishing hid DD for literary being a teen. Not only is it abusive, it dis-empowers the teen, and she is literary a non entity in her own house, doesn't exist. It would leave less damage to be slapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

BINGO! You are exactly right! I am trying to show OP what could happen if you don't focus on the real issue. Which has nothing to do with being ready and getting organized. And how am I projecting my poor behavior by sharing an experience? Isn't this what this board is about? People sharing their experiences to help others. Should I not share how without proper intervention things can go from 0 to 100 in no time? But I know you guys are such great parents following "Is my teen crazy?" books, blaming DD for not being organized. Have you guys even read the follow-up posts from the OP? She has stated that her DD is pulling away from DH whom she idolizes.

From OP "OP again. The really sad thing is that DD worships DH. She is so eager to please him. But he can’t see that, and his constant nitpicking and criticizing is making her shrink away from him. He is terribly insecure and he sees any disagreement as an attack or a sign of disrespect. DD is a normal teen, in fact a pretty great teen. I fear that DH’s over-sensitivity and over-reactions are going to permanently hurt his relationship with her." Does this sound like a late for the bus issue to you Dr. Phil? So when she gets organized at night, it's going to magically fix all these other issues OP has pointed out? Is that what you are saying?

OP, I'm going to quit responding because all these folks have the answers when you have replied several times that this power struggle with DD and DH is more than your DD running late and not being ready. Which you clearly realize but the rest of these DCUMs can't see the relationship as whole because they are following the yellow school bus. Like dogs chasing a tennis ball. Even though I am full grown, I still remember when I realized my father didn't care how long we went without speaking, and even worse when I realized I didn't care either. It doesn't take as long you think (to not care).

OP, your DD sounds like a normal teenager and your DH sounds like a normal DH, dealing with a teenager. I'm sure he will soften by Monday. My best to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except she is not actually late. He got angry at being challenged about his own tone, not at her lateness, which did not exist.

Not defending DH here, but the poster(s) who keep saying that DD was not late, I disagree.
She wasn't late for the BUS, but she was late for the agreed on time to get in the car- Dad and other kids in the car pool were all in the car waiting. As someone who drives kids to the busstop- I understand there is a big difference, we plan on leaving home at a certain time and we easily make it to the bus, even if we hit two red lights or have to wait for someone who causes a backup turning left. Alternatively, we can leave 2 minutes later and every light and turning car is stressful. Kids run to the bus and may or may not get seats with their friends. Not missing the bus does not mean you were not late.

I also feel it's significant that this exchange occurred in front of others who are not family members - poor judgment on both Dad and daughter's part.

OMG, this is not about the bus and being on time to walk out the door! OP's DH and DD are struggling in many aspects of their relationship, this is just an example. OP has already said that they were ACTUALLY NOT LATE. DH likes to be really early. The DH made her walk because he didn't like her response, not because she was late--I think someone pointed this out upthread.

OP, I was the one who described how this not speaking destroyed my relationship with my father. Everyone on here keeps focusing on the car ride to the bus and your DD messing up the schedule. Believe me, the next step your DD will take is being completely willing to walk to school so she doesn't have to deal with her father at all. Her thought process will be "Fine, I can't get there myself, I don't need you." And some dude in a 1995 Camaro with tinted windows will be showing up at your door taking her to school.

That's a huge stretch. Just because you had poor behavior with your Dad as a teen and your parents allowed it does not mean this is the situation and you are projecting your poor behavior.

OP, Dad and daughter need to help daughter get more organized at night so she isn't so rushed and running back for things. This needs more hands on parenting, not hands off.

BINGO! You are exactly right! I am trying to show OP what could happen if you don't focus on the real issue. Which has nothing to do with being ready and getting organized. And how am I projecting my poor behavior by sharing an experience? Isn't this what this board is about? People sharing their experiences to help others. Should I not share how without proper intervention things can go from 0 to 100 in no time? But I know you guys are such great parents following "Is my teen crazy?" books, blaming DD for not being organized. Have you guys even read the follow-up posts from the OP? She has stated that her DD is pulling away from DH whom she idolizes.

From OP "OP again. The really sad thing is that DD worships DH. She is so eager to please him. But he can’t see that, and his constant nitpicking and criticizing is making her shrink away from him. He is terribly insecure and he sees any disagreement as an attack or a sign of disrespect. DD is a normal teen, in fact a pretty great teen. I fear that DH’s over-sensitivity and over-reactions are going to permanently hurt his relationship with her." Does this sound like a late for the bus issue to you Dr. Phil? So when she gets organized at night, it's going to magically fix all these other issues OP has pointed out? Is that what you are saying?

OP, I'm going to quit responding because all these folks have the answers when you have replied several times that this power struggle with DD and DH is more than your DD running late and not being ready. Which you clearly realize but the rest of these DCUMs can't see the relationship as whole because they are following the yellow school bus. Like dogs chasing a tennis ball. Even though I am full grown, I still remember when I realized my father didn't care how long we went without speaking, and even worse when I realized I didn't care either. It doesn't take as long you think (to not care).

OP, your DD sounds like a normal teenager and your DH sounds like a normal DH, dealing with a teenager. I'm sure he will soften by Monday. My best to you and your family.

Man, I wish I hadn't replied to this thread. Bringing up memories I thought were long forgotten. Tears I thought had long dried. Looking back on it, I can't believe we lived in that house not speaking for so long. Wow.

It makes me so sad thinking about how things can just unravel between parent and child, liked pulling the thread from a sweater and there is no going back.


OP I am thinking of you and your family.

[Anonymous]

My father didn’t speak to me my entire senior year of high school because he had suggested some changes to my college essays that I didn’t take, and he thought that it was rude. I cut him out of my life at 24 and never looked backed.