DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
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Anonymous
Agree. He isn’t wrong. She isn’t in charge and she’s a low person on the totem pole in the family. She’s not respecting dad’s time or the others involved. Sometimes parents talk to their kids in a way they don’t like and that’s okay. That’s why they’re the parent and getting tomdomthat is part of the dynamic. She needs to get over it and realize discipline is an essential part of the parent/child relationship when the child is being rude, not listening after being told a hundred times to be more organized and punctual. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson for once since apparently Mom has no consequences for DD’s rude and disorganized behavior. |
Anonymous
Oh OK, better to make sure everyone is DD’s best friend and she’s never criticized, then. God forbid. 
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Anonymous
| This is tough and I see both sides. Teenage years are hard. I’m slightly on team dd because dh should act like an adult and be the first to reach out. He’s pouting like a toddler. |
Anonymous
| If my kid witnesses this situation, came home and told me about it, from the outside it would look to me like the action of an loud mouth, obnoxious abusive jerk. I would think differently about your family and you because I would wonder if you are secretly one of those abused wives. I would also likely repeat the story to others who know you as a subtle way to warn them about your DH. And yes it really only takes the one episode like this . Believe me lots of moms would do something similar. |
Anonymous
Can you share what techniques you used that produced your in-time and respectful teen(s)? Thanks! |
Anonymous
THIS!!! She apologized! She apologized and pointed out that she didn’t feel like he was being nice to her either. I also completely understand DH’s frustration. My oldest DD sounds like your dd. Dawdles, easily distracted, unorganized and SLOW. I also take her to her bus stop in the morning on my way to the metro and it drives me bonkers when she isn’t ready when we need to leave. But in this case, she apologized and your DH flipped out when she pointed out that he was being mean. |
Anonymous
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I have never been as angry with my teens as your DH is about one slightly pissy "I'm coming!" He is overreacting.
My kids and I accept that I am pushy and annoying in the morning and they are grumpy, slow and a little snappy in the morning. It doesn't ruin anyone's day, things go smoothly the rest of the time, and it's all forgotten (on both sides) as soon as they finally get out the door. |
Anonymous
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Yes, this! OP isnt arguing DD should be allowed to dawdle and sulk to her hearts content- of course DD needs to be ready on time or face consequences. but OP is rightly concerned that her DH is taking normal teen behavior and overreacting to it, letting everything turn into stupid power struggles that just damage relationships. The choice isn’t between letting DD be a disrespectful slacker versus coming down hard and leaving her standing on the curb. It’s between teaching her the right way and teaching her the wrong way. DH is doing it wrong.
As someone said earlier, the right way is pretty simple— apskip the criticism and the judgment and just make it easy. “DD, I don’t want to be your case about getting ready in the morning and I don’t want you biting my head off. That stinks for both of us. I promise to stop nagging you, but from now on, departure is at 7, ready or not, okay? If you’re there you’re there, and if you’re not you’ll have to walk.” That models respectful and firm behavior and DD will very quickly realize that if she doesn’t want to walk, she needs to be on time, no fighting, no yelling, no criticizing, just establishing expectations and being firm. Everyone keeps their self respect, no one “loses.” That’s authoritative parenting, not permissive, not authoritarian, and a whole lot more likely to produce healthy, self-regulating teens with healthy relationships with their parents. Someone started another thread on good books for raising teens. Don’t recall them all, but one was “Yes your teen is crazy,” by Michael Bradley, and I think one was by the woman who wrote “How to Talk so Kids will Listen.” |
Anonymous
Wow. A lot of people on this board seem to have stepped right out of the 1950s. Go take some parenting classes, PP. |
Anonymous
Some kids need to learn lessons the hard way. It was your DD fault for not being ready and attacking your DH for the way he is speaking to her. This is a form of gaslighting. The person who is wrong turns everything around and blame the other person. DD is gaslighting your husband and you are going along with it. Your DD can walk all over you but she will not do the same to her father. Hope she was embarrassed and changes her behavior towards your HS. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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DH overreacted. Have him read, "your teen is crazy" book. Also, don't believe everything your 14 year old tells you.
Can pp who said OP was raised by critical, angry father explain? I don't get it, do you mean OP's DH was raised by a critical father? |
Anonymous
Wow your house must be a told shit show in the morning. Hope you kids correct your attitude in the morning. |
Anonymous
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I think DH’a defenders are missing the fact that DD was not late. According to OP, she has never actually been late. He is nagging her and then he got mad because she responded to him in a tone he didn’t like. he’s punishing her not for actually being late but for being pissed off about his nagging and criticism.
People who view relationships is all about power and proving that they have more power tend to be abusive in other ways too. OP, does your DH fly into rages about other things too? I mean? Are his issues with DD new and unique to her, or are they part of a broader behavior pattern in which he can’t tolerate being challenged and responds with shows of power? |
Anonymous
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OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it. |