DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

[Anonymous]

Our DD has always worshipped DH but she is now 14 and engaging in some "testing" behavior. She is a great kid, smart, kind, good grades, lots of friends, but she is also a typical teen: messy, disorganized, grumpy in the morning, argumentative. DH seems like he can't tolerate what to me seems like just normal adolescent behavior, and it is taking on toll on their relationship (and on all of us!).

Example: DH drives DD and our other kids to the school bus stop in the morning. Other kids are ready five minutes before it's time to leave; DD is still putting shoes on, looking for her book, etc. They have never actually been late or missed the bus, but she does tend to dawdle and be a bit disorganized ("Oh wait I have to run back to my room and get my gym clothes!"). DH is constantly on her about it: says, in a very irritable and judgmental way, "Are you ready? We're leaving in five minutes! Come ON! We're waiting!" This morning, DD responded pretty sulkily: she said, "I'm coming!" but in a pretty pissy voice, causing DH to say, as they walked out the door, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me," to which DD responded, as she started to open the car door, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I feel like you're not being very nice to me, either," at which DH said, "Get out of the car. I'm not taking you. You can walk."

So DH drives off with the other kids (who sit there in shocked silence, and call me, very upset, as soon as DH drops them off, and DD walks the mile to her bus stop, and also calls me, very upset.

Am I wrong to think DH overreacted? Now they're not speaking to each other, and when I say, "Maybe you should go talk to DD," DH says, "I'm not talking to her, she needs to apologize to ME."

This kind of thing is now happening frequently - he gets into these ridiculous power struggles and then HE acts like he's fourteen too. I hate watching this. DD feels angry and betrayed.

Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Yes, he overreacted. She needs to get her stuff organized the night before. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

wow your DH doesn't like to hear the truth does he? She was right, he was being mean. He needs to apologize.

In the mornings, he should just go out to the car and wait, give her a deadline for when he will leave and if she misses, he should leave.

[Anonymous]

I agree, this was totally unnecessary. He could just say,"Look, I love you and I hate it that we're getting into silly fights about this. We need to try something different. I don't want to have to nag you, and you don't want me nagging you. So let's just say that the car leaves for the bus stop at 7:30 sharp each morning. If you're in it, great. If you're not ready, you'll have to walk. I won't bug you about it one way or the other - you decide if you want a ride."

End of arguments.

DH needs to grow up and stop acting like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your DD should learn to listen or there will be consequences such as her father being short with her and/or having to walk to school.

[Anonymous]

Team DH. Sorry it's not about power struggle, it's about respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Sorry it's not about power struggle, it's about respect.

Right, Team DH, that is exactly how many of the men I know were raised by their own fathers... and most of them, as adults, have crappy relationships with their fathers. You can demand respect or you can earn it. Demanding it just makes you an asshole. And it produces children who grow up to be assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. Sorry it's not about power struggle, it's about respect.

Right, Team DH, that is exactly how many of the men I know were raised by their own fathers... and most of them, as adults, have crappy relationships with their fathers. You can demand respect or you can earn it. Demanding it just makes you an asshole. And it produces children who grow up to be assholes.

Oh yes, let's be more concerned with your DH earning the respect of your hormonal teenage DD than worry about your DD respecting and listening to her parents.

[Anonymous]

Your dd is 100 % in the wrong. She needs to stop being disorganized and get her stuff together. I can’t stand dawdling. I would make her walk everyday and ground her for being disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Not sure how you know what was said or the manner in which it was said if you weren't there. Sounds like your DD is feeding you a story that makes her sound innocent.

[Anonymous]

WTF? Your DD apologized to your DH and for that she got kicked out of the car.

He’s being a grade A jerk.

Your daughters is acting like a teenager but she’s 14, what’s your husband’s excuse for acting like a baby?

[Anonymous]

The issue isn’t whether DD should learn to be ready for school on time or not and whether she should treat people respectfully or not. Of course she should. The issue is, what kind of parenting is most likely to produce an on-time, respectful child?

DH thinks nagging, criticizing and punishing her will help. That’s where he’s wrong. Criticizing and punishing her might lead to superficial compliance (she’ll be on time) but it will produce a child who is either furiously resentful or terrified of her father. Neither is good. The goal is to get voluntary compliance. It’s reasonable to say “we leave at 730” and stick to it whether she is ready or not, but kicking her out of the car is just guaranteed to backfire.

DH needs some better parenting techniques. If he keeps this up he’s going to have kids who hate him or fear him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how you know what was said or the manner in which it was said if you weren't there. Sounds like your DD is feeding you a story that makes her sound innocent.

OP Andre. I have heard multiple versions, from DD, DH and from the other kids. All agree on what happened.

[Anonymous]

Not Andre. Typo. here..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn’t whether DD should learn to be ready for school on time or not and whether she should treat people respectfully or not. Of course she should. The issue is, what kind of parenting is most likely to produce an on-time, respectful child?

DH thinks nagging, criticizing and punishing her will help. That’s where he’s wrong. Criticizing and punishing her might lead to superficial compliance (she’ll be on time) but it will produce a child who is either furiously resentful or terrified of her father. Neither is good. The goal is to get voluntary compliance. It’s reasonable to say “we leave at 730” and stick to it whether she is ready or not, but kicking her out of the car is just guaranteed to backfire.

DH needs some better parenting techniques. If he keeps this up he’s going to have kids who hate him or fear him.

The really sad thing? OP was raised by a critical, angry, controlling father. And he hasn’t spoken to him in two decades. That is what breaks my heart about this.