Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a bit extreme/hyperbolic to list 5-6 admirable traits of a father/husband, and 4-5 tangible examples of co-parenting (rides, books/baths/bedtime, sports games etc.) and then go on to say “I’m just tired of being the one to have to build the family alone.”

I also think it’s a stretch (and presumptive) to assume that he’s not building an emotional bond with your children while doing everyday tasks like bedtime reading and rides to school. Some of my fondest memories with my Dad were the “little things” like that, not necessarily the big birthday parties etc.

Lastly, you say that your husband is “responsible/hard-working/reliable/dependable/trust-worthy/intelligent” and then go on to say “…it makes me so sad to see that my kids aren't being taught by or led by a strong father-figure teaching them how to be good and loving human beings…” as if those traits don’t provide a positive example for your children? Nobody is perfect, but he doesn't get any points for leadership in any of those categories?

It’s understandable to desire continual improvement and compatibility in certain facets of parenting, but based on the information provided and the way it is portrayed, it sounds like OP needs to look in the mirror as well.

+1

It sounds like there are some actual issues, but it also seems like OP has a template in her head for what a father should do and be, and her husband doesn't match it, and so she's ignoring or discounting all the things he actually does. I don't remember my dad ever planning special outings, but I have so many wonderful memories of singing along with the radio together while driving to school, or him telling silly jokes while we ate dinner together, etc. Those ordinary everyday moments *are* building connections and memories. OP is really exaggerating the problem, which isn't going to be helpful in finding a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Accept it. He sounds great, but he is a dude. They aren’t that warm fuzzy, but he adores those babies as much as you do.

+1 He sounds like a normal guy. If you wanted a partner who would research parenting issues and get in the weeds on homework and such, you perhaps should have sought out a lesbian.

I'm a dad and these replies make me genuinely sad. Society has such low expectations for dads. It's pathetic. I don't know if OP's husband is a "normal guy" but he clearly has room to be a much better dad.

OP, I think that it's the small things that matter and really add up. Try to gently encourage those little things. I try to make it home in time to sit with my DS before he falls asleep (I don't always make it). We use that time to talk about his day and random stuff that's on his mind. I volunteer to help coach his sports practices once a week. It kills me because it's a physically demanding sport and I'm not any good at it but it really helps him to have me there. We find time for just the two of us, even if it's just to go to the barber shop together. It doesn't need to be grand gestures but your husband should just spend time getting to know his kids on a level that isn't task-specific. Maybe find things that your son (since he seems to need it more) and husband can do together. If your husband runs, maybe they could run together (all three of them could). My son is only a bit older than yours and I like to take him to a school track to help him learn how to be a better runner. We practice and I time him so he can see improvement. It's good for both of us. Even watching a tv show that we both like is great. Anyway, I don't think that you need to have some big talk which would probably just make him defensive and not have a positive effect. Instead, encourage him to find opportunities to be there for and with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Accept it. He sounds great, but he is a dude. They aren’t that warm fuzzy, but he adores those babies as much as you do.

+1 He sounds like a normal guy. If you wanted a partner who would research parenting issues and get in the weeds on homework and such, you perhaps should have sought out a lesbian.

I'm a dad and these replies make me genuinely sad. Society has such low expectations for dads. It's pathetic. I don't know if OP's husband is a "normal guy" but he clearly has room to be a much better dad.

OP, I think that it's the small things that matter and really add up. Try to gently encourage those little things. I try to make it home in time to sit with my DS before he falls asleep (I don't always make it). We use that time to talk about his day and random stuff that's on his mind. I volunteer to help coach his sports practices once a week. It kills me because it's a physically demanding sport and I'm not any good at it but it really helps him to have me there. We find time for just the two of us, even if it's just to go to the barber shop together. It doesn't need to be grand gestures but your husband should just spend time getting to know his kids on a level that isn't task-specific. Maybe find things that your son (since he seems to need it more) and husband can do together. If your husband runs, maybe they could run together (all three of them could). My son is only a bit older than yours and I like to take him to a school track to help him learn how to be a better runner. We practice and I time him so he can see improvement. It's good for both of us. Even watching a tv show that we both like is great. Anyway, I don't think that you need to have some big talk which would probably just make him defensive and not have a positive effect. Instead, encourage him to find opportunities to be there for and with his kids.

Respectfully (especially because you sound very well-intentioned), I don't see much difference between what you've listed about your relationship with your DS and what OP has listed. You "try to make it home in time to sit with DS before he falls asleep" (and don't always succeed) while OP's husband bathes them, reads bedtime stories, and puts them to bed. Objectively, OP's husband would have you beat substantially in this category (building in the assumption that you both work hard to provide for your families, which it sounds like). Watching a TV show together??? Based on OP's observations/critiques of her husband, you think she's going to count "watching a TV show together" as building an emotional bond and building a family together? She doesn't even consider him a strong father figure and leader, despite him leading by example in many facets of his life.

It sounds like you're giving yourself the benefit of context (i.e. I'm not any good at the sport but I've earned extra Dad points by grin-and-bearing it) without providing OP's husband the same. Yet, even though it's well-intentioned, you say this guy clearly has room to be a much better dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked by the responses on how okay it is to be a mediocre parent. And regarding "researching parenting" - who doesn't do some sort of looking into child-rearing issues? I have a child with a learning issue and one with a health issue. I'd be remiss if I didn't educate myself on those and how to best help my children. Best ways to deal with sibling fighting - read about it to get some strategies. ETC.

Nobody said anything having to entertain the kids constantly - it's about building a relationship with his kids.

And to the two posters who said parents shouldn't be helping with or supervising homework, you're nuts. You shouldn't be doing your kids' homework, but in elementary school, you most certainly should be involved. Take it from an elementary school teacher - you should be helping and supervising.

I agree. Op's dh doesn't seem like any of the dads I know. It would be a tough in the future if op doesn't have help.

You both are nuts. OP said "He helps with child-related tasks such as giving them breakfast, taking one of them to school, helps with bath/books/bedtime, comes to their sports events, etc. So he's there and he's helping, but he's kind of clueless when it comes to the emotional stuff. He doesn't know how to discipline". Clearly he HAS a relationship and bond with his kids AND HE IS HELPING, he's just not living up to OP's fathers role model of doing even more (i.e. creating family traditions etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I want to explain to DH how I'm feeling but I can't get it out the way I want and I can't get anywhere with him...

Our children are 8yo and 5yo. My husband is responsible and hard-working. He's reliable, dependable, trust-worthy, intelligent, etc. I'm grateful for those qualities and I let him know that. However, I feel that he's really lacking in the emotional bond and other parts of fatherhood, but I'm having trouble explaining it and getting him to see what I see. He helps with child-related tasks such as giving them breakfast, taking one of them to school, helps with bath/books/bedtime, comes to their sports events, etc. So he's there and he's helping, but he's kind of clueless when it comes to the emotional stuff. He doesn't know how to discipline effectively, he doesn't spend any time reading about or researching child development/parenting/dealing with issues related to our kids (ADHD for example, or my daughter dealing with hurt feelings and bullying at school). He doesn't know how to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with the kids. He butts heads constantly with my son, to the point where my son almost doesn't want anything to do with him. He never thinks to take my kids to do anything special, or even just a trip to the park unless I suggest it and arrange it. He doesn't contribute in any way to building family traditions or helping to make holidays/birthdays special. He makes no attempt to be involved in or interested in their schoolwork or progress at school. I'm just tired of being the one to have to build the family alone - I want a partner in it, and it makes me so sad to see that my kids aren't being taught by or led by a strong father-figure teaching them how to be good and loving human beings in conjunction with me. My dad was/is amazing. He was such an important part of my childhood and who I am today. We're so close, and it makes me sad that my husband isn't more like that. Maybe that's wrong of me.

Let me give a very small example: he had a VERY slow work day and was able to be home in the afternoon, which is unusual. Instead of getting involved in the kids' homework and after school stuff (which he saw me dealing with), he sat around doing his own thing. Then at 5:15 he announced he was going for a run, which then interferes with an opportunity to be with the family for dinner. Often he has to miss family dinner for work, and I understand that is not his fault, but here was an opportunity to be part of our family dinner, and he decided to run (something he had time to do hours before and didn't, btw). He's never thinking about the kids, but always thinking about himself. This is a very minor example, but it really frustrated me.

Am I expecting too much? How can I make this better? I was thinking maybe family therapy.

So he's a different parent than you - that's nothing new. He doesn't discipline the same as you? Doesn't read books on child rearing? My goodness - you need to manage your expectations accoridngly. He seems like a good guy, present and supportive. Some dads struggle with the emotional bonding with children - news flash, men are different than women (biologically and psychologically). Again, that's not abnormal. So, be thankful for what you have, help him rather than nag him for not reading and TBH, he's probably looking to go for a run if he gets home early because he doesn't want to hear your nagging and he needs some "me" time.

You say all these things he does for the kids and then you end your post with "he's never thinking about the kids". Which is it? Sounds like you are a controlling person and pout when things aren't done exactly how you want them done.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised by the posts criticizing you. He sounds like a mediocre father to me. It's nice he does the minimum, but I don't think it's asking too much to expect more. I don't think the "traditions" stuff or researching parenting topics is important, but you saying he never seeks out opportunities to do things with the kids suggests he's not very engaged or invested. Leaving him alone with the kids might help.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem here, and it is reflected in the schizophrenic responses you are getting here, is that you have just thrown together a grab bag of complaints, some serious, but some verging on the inane. I think *you* really need to spend some introspective time to analyze what is bothering you about the relationship and what is a "fair" concern and what is not.

Off the top of my head, I'd say that the fact that he is butting heads with your son to the point that the relationship is suffering and (apparently) completely uninvolved in their education is serious, but the fact that he isn't quite so warm and fuzzy or into family traditions is at most a difference of style. But really, I think what is key is that *you* figure out exactly what you think is truly concerning here and then try to find a solution with your DH to move forward. But pick like three things... don't use this as an exercise to do a 54 point comparison between DH versus your Dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by the posts criticizing you. He sounds like a mediocre father to me. It's nice he does the minimum, but I don't think it's asking too much to expect more. I don't think the "traditions" stuff or researching parenting topics is important, but you saying he never seeks out opportunities to do things with the kids suggests he's not very engaged or invested. Leaving him alone with the kids might help.

Like what? Read parenting books? Discipline the same exact way as OP (maybe her DH thinks she is unreasonable in her discipline). And to your other point, the OP listed out a bunch of things that DH is ALREADY doing (bed/bath/sports/feed them) - could he do more? sure! But don't say he's not engaged. GFAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem here, and it is reflected in the schizophrenic responses you are getting here, is that you have just thrown together a grab bag of complaints, some serious, but some verging on the inane. I think *you* really need to spend some introspective time to analyze what is bothering you about the relationship and what is a "fair" concern and what is not.

Off the top of my head, I'd say that the fact that he is butting heads with your son to the point that the relationship is suffering and (apparently) completely uninvolved in their education is serious, but the fact that he isn't quite so warm and fuzzy or into family traditions is at most a difference of style. But really, I think what is key is that *you* figure out exactly what you think is truly concerning here and then try to find a solution with your DH to move forward. But pick like three things... don't use this as an exercise to do a 54 point comparison between DH versus your Dad!

The best part of having a two parent household is that each has different strengths. You sound like you want him to be exactly like you, with the same priorities. If he didn't do all the other stuff he does with the kids and family, I would think he's being selfish. But I really don't think that's the case. For example, expecting him to focus his unexpected time off on the family. As much as I love my kids, they deserve a happy mom and exercise is what helps me de-stress and better to be around. I agree with the poster who says if it bothered you, you should have spoken up. That's a more healthy response than expecting him to figure this out.

When it comes to school work, people have different styles; from just making sure it's done to wanting to know every assignment and I don't know which camp you are in. It's not a problem since one of you is monitoring it. Why do you need two hoverers? He probably thinks you have it covered. In my family, one of us does the parent-teacher conference, the other does the daily homework check. If you want to divide this up, it is fair to ask.

I agree with the value of special on-on-one time with the kids. But it makes sense he doesn't think of it on his own, he had no experience of it himself. Remind yourself of this and how lucky your were and just schedule it for him because it is important to both you and the kids. It might stop the headbutting. If it doesn't, just continue to be a warm and loving parent to counter his lack of emotional rapport. The price he will pay will be kids that are closer to you. But that may be subconsciously what he thinks is the right way to parent.

I don't mean to be harsh, but seems you heavily prioritize some idyllic family life. That's admirable, but it's also making it all about what you want and narrowing the definition of what makes a good husband (and family).

[Anonymous]

OP you just described my husband. I wish he would have more initiative and taught the kids a few things. My kids are a bit younger and I hope that he will be able to relate more once they are older... maybe I am
Just being optimistic.
I try to suggest things he can do with the kids without telling him what to do (though he perceives it that way sometime).

He is kind of lazy with our kids, but lives them and is very loving with them. I try to also lead by example. When we are all together, I explain things to he kids and then I will say: “and kids your dad knows about this topic a lot more than me. Please love, explain our girls where seeds come from”

In general I just know I will have to educate and teach them myself...

[Anonymous]

I routinely acknowledge my husband is a better parent than I am. I routinely read parenting books, come up with special days and do bonding activities. I plan vacations and take the kids to the park and work on homework. My husband doesn't even think to do those things yet he's the more liked and overall better parent. Op, your expectations of parent hood may be to high. Kids are simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has ADHD.

I have a friend who didn't realize he had ADHD until his daughter was diagnosed with it and then he was screened too. Maybe see if he is willing to get screened.

People on this board think that every man who doesn't live up to a woman's expectations has ADHD. There's nothing wrong with this guy, he's just not a super warm and loving dad. He didn't have one himself so why is that so surprising?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems a bit extreme/hyperbolic to list 5-6 admirable traits of a father/husband, and 4-5 tangible examples of co-parenting (rides, books/baths/bedtime, sports games etc.) and then go on to say “I’m just tired of being the one to have to build the family alone.”

I also think it’s a stretch (and presumptive) to assume that he’s not building an emotional bond with your children while doing everyday tasks like bedtime reading and rides to school. Some of my fondest memories with my Dad were the “little things” like that, not necessarily the big birthday parties etc.

Lastly, you say that your husband is “responsible/hard-working/reliable/dependable/trust-worthy/intelligent” and then go on to say “…it makes me so sad to see that my kids aren't being taught by or led by a strong father-figure teaching them how to be good and loving human beings…” as if those traits don’t provide a positive example for your children? Nobody is perfect, but he doesn't get any points for leadership in any of those categories?

It’s understandable to desire continual improvement and compatibility in certain facets of parenting, but based on the information provided and the way it is portrayed, it sounds like OP needs to look in the mirror as well.

+ 1. You are under-valuing what your husband is doing, and over-valuing what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly think men don't instinctively put somebody other than themselves first. That, and women have been PROGRAMMED to do that. When my kids were younger, DH would make lunch ... for himself. And the kids would be nearby and he didn't even think to ask if they needed lunch. He's gotten better, and now the kids make their own food, but part of it is training and expectations.

It can't hurt to gently, tactfully engage him.

I would blame how he was patented and schooled.glad he could be untrained to be so self-centered.

[Anonymous]

I think relying on parenting theories to parent your kids can be more damaging then relying on intuition, family support and just loving them.

A lot of the "experts" don't know as much about kids as they profess.