Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Why are you stage-managing an adult?

Go out for a couple of hours. Let him feed himself and the kids. They will develop their own thing. It may be different from what you'd set up for them. That's good.

Also, quit calling them "my kids." You share them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I want to explain to DH how I'm feeling but I can't get it out the way I want and I can't get anywhere with him...

Our children are 8yo and 5yo. My husband is responsible and hard-working. He's reliable, dependable, trust-worthy, intelligent, etc. I'm grateful for those qualities and I let him know that. However, I feel that he's really lacking in the emotional bond and other parts of fatherhood, but I'm having trouble explaining it and getting him to see what I see. He helps with child-related tasks such as giving them breakfast, taking one of them to school, helps with bath/books/bedtime, comes to their sports events, etc. So he's there and he's helping, but he's kind of clueless when it comes to the emotional stuff. He doesn't know how to discipline effectively, he doesn't spend any time reading about or researching child development/parenting/dealing with issues related to our kids (ADHD for example, or my daughter dealing with hurt feelings and bullying at school). He doesn't know how to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with the kids. He butts heads constantly with my son, to the point where my son almost doesn't want anything to do with him. He never thinks to take my kids to do anything special, or even just a trip to the park unless I suggest it and arrange it. He doesn't contribute in any way to building family traditions or helping to make holidays/birthdays special. He makes no attempt to be involved in or interested in their schoolwork or progress at school. I'm just tired of being the one to have to build the family alone - I want a partner in it, and it makes me so sad to see that my kids aren't being taught by or led by a strong father-figure teaching them how to be good and loving human beings in conjunction with me. My dad was/is amazing. He was such an important part of my childhood and who I am today. We're so close, and it makes me sad that my husband isn't more like that. Maybe that's wrong of me.

Let me give a very small example: he had a VERY slow work day and was able to be home in the afternoon, which is unusual. Instead of getting involved in the kids' homework and after school stuff (which he saw me dealing with), he sat around doing his own thing. Then at 5:15 he announced he was going for a run, which then interferes with an opportunity to be with the family for dinner. Often he has to miss family dinner for work, and I understand that is not his fault, but here was an opportunity to be part of our family dinner, and he decided to run (something he had time to do hours before and didn't, btw). He's never thinking about the kids, but always thinking about himself. This is a very minor example, but it really frustrated me.

Am I expecting too much? How can I make this better? I was thinking maybe family therapy.

He is clueless. He may very well have ADHD Inattentive. This he can’t connect w people or see what needs to be done beyond obvious repeat tasks and he has little planning or goals skills (for the family). He also may be used to his mother doing everything for him or had the same dynamic between his parents—where Mom did everything and Father tagged along after returning from work.

It is exhausting. But you need to both get to counseling before more resentment builds.
Start it out by saying it is a parenting class or time mgmt/family organizational class but do it w someone e skilled in adult adhd. This could be very manageable with the right approach.

As for making him step up and lead the family, if it’s not Adhd or pure laziness or inability to multitask whatsoever, he could just be incapable beta guy. In which case, you are the Man if the Household. Try to have your dad or brothers as role models for your kids. Unf your husband is coasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has ADHD.

I’m surprised perfect parent OP who researches everything didn’t realize this.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think men don't instinctively put somebody other than themselves first. That, and women have been PROGRAMMED to do that. When my kids were younger, DH would make lunch ... for himself. And the kids would be nearby and he didn't even think to ask if they needed lunch. He's gotten better, and now the kids make their own food, but part of it is training and expectations.

It can't hurt to gently, tactfully engage him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want your husband to be your father, and you think he is the one with issues?

LMAO this

[Anonymous]

God forbid the sole provider gets a rare afternoon to go for a run and veg a little. How dare he!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Accept it. He sounds great, but he is a dude. They aren’t that warm fuzzy, but he adores those babies as much as you do.

+1 He sounds like a normal guy. If you wanted a partner who would research parenting issues and get in the weeds on homework and such, you perhaps should have sought out a lesbian.

+2. Plus some/many men grow up in families where the mother is the glue and go to parent for emotional support and more warm fuzzy family stuff. So that is the role they expect is normal. Given how many positive things you say about your husband (feeding, bathing, sports game etc) it sounds like he's more involved than quite a few fathers I know. I think its ok for you to encourage more bonding time, but don't hang your expectations from your father on him. Play to his strengths rather than pick on your perceived weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if he's responsible/reliable/intelligent, you can get where you want to be. Right now you say he doesn't do anything with the kids one on one unless you plan it. So plan a "dad + kids" outing each week. As he spends more time with them and gets to know them (and as they grow and become more involved in likes/hobbies), he can learn their likes and dislikes and have his own ideas for places to go/things to do with them. When it comes to not helping out when you're on parenting duty and he's hanging out on his phone, divide and conquer. "I've got to help Larlo with this math, Larla needs help with her spelling." Or better yet: "Larla ask your dad to help you with your spelling," you don't have to be the taskmaster here.

As far as coming up with holiday traditions, I think it's nice that you have such fond memories of that with your dad but I don't think it's poor parenting or emotionally distant to not think to invent traditions. Plus traditions come about organically -- one year you'll do something that you all love and then you'll repeat it.

This. I think people who purposefully "create traditions" are missing the point of traditions. You do them because your family did them before, or because you did something once and it was really fun or meaningful and so you decided to keep doing it. Not being into fake traditions doesn't mean anything.

And it doesn't really matter that he doesn't research kid stuff all the time. My parents never did, and I don't think that made them bad parents. He needs to be up on things like any medical conditions and prescriptions, but he doesn't need to be "researching" child development all the time.

If you want him to spend more time with the kids, then at this point, you need to plan it, because you know he won't. So plan it. As he spends more time with them, he'll create his own connections. If you want him to help them with homework, speak up. Ask him. No, you shouldn't have to, he should be able to see what needs to be done, but he doesn't, so help him learn to notice.

But stop comparing him to your own father. It's not fair to him and it's setting you up for disappointment. It's also likely to make you view his interactions with the kids in a more critical/negative light, and that's not good, either. You have this idea of what "building a family" should look like, and in front of you is a guy who loves his kids, feeds them, takes them to school, reads to them, goes to their games, etc. That's not "helping," that's "parenting." Don't discount that, build on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t read parenting books or research parenting topics either, and I think letting an 8yo and 5yo entertain themselves is a real gift. I’m not sure when we decided that children needed to be entertained all the time. I’m also a believer that in parenting, with regards to time, it’s not just quality, it’s quantity. Being around is huge. He doesn’t need to make every moment magical. He seems like a very good dad to me and in general my expectations for dads are pretty high.

I disagree. He sounds mediocre and selfish, and the part about not knowing how to disipline or relate maturely to the child with ADHD is very bad.

I agree with pp. People love picking at posters and this is one of those cases where some posters aren't reading carefully. The issues with the child with ADHD are huge. You and your child need support. Your husband sounds like a dad I know. He has been awful. I suggest marriage or family counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked by the responses on how okay it is to be a mediocre parent. And regarding "researching parenting" - who doesn't do some sort of looking into child-rearing issues? I have a child with a learning issue and one with a health issue. I'd be remiss if I didn't educate myself on those and how to best help my children. Best ways to deal with sibling fighting - read about it to get some strategies. ETC.

Nobody said anything having to entertain the kids constantly - it's about building a relationship with his kids.

And to the two posters who said parents shouldn't be helping with or supervising homework, you're nuts. You shouldn't be doing your kids' homework, but in elementary school, you most certainly should be involved. Take it from an elementary school teacher - you should be helping and supervising.

I agree. Op's dh doesn't seem like any of the dads I know. It would be a tough in the future if op doesn't have help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just the nature of the beast. Most men are not family oriented, are independent and like to pursue their own interests apart from the family, aren't good at emotions or conversation, aren't up on the latest parenting techniques, and don't think about the next goal their kids need to meet. If you compare your father to your DH and your DH comes up short, that's not going to help you feel any better about it.

total bullshit there

Thank you. Did we just time warp in to 1950?

[Anonymous]

I assumed you were exaggerating or just being disappointed that he could live up to some cross between aSorkin and Disney ideal, but the going for a run during dinner when it was a rare opportunity to have extra time together is pretty damning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has ADHD.

I have a friend who didn't realize he had ADHD until his daughter was diagnosed with it and then he was screened too. Maybe see if he is willing to get screened.

[Anonymous]

Seems a bit extreme/hyperbolic to list 5-6 admirable traits of a father/husband, and 4-5 tangible examples of co-parenting (rides, books/baths/bedtime, sports games etc.) and then go on to say “I’m just tired of being the one to have to build the family alone.”

I also think it’s a stretch (and presumptive) to assume that he’s not building an emotional bond with your children while doing everyday tasks like bedtime reading and rides to school. Some of my fondest memories with my Dad were the “little things” like that, not necessarily the big birthday parties etc.

Lastly, you say that your husband is “responsible/hard-working/reliable/dependable/trust-worthy/intelligent” and then go on to say “…it makes me so sad to see that my kids aren't being taught by or led by a strong father-figure teaching them how to be good and loving human beings…” as if those traits don’t provide a positive example for your children? Nobody is perfect, but he doesn't get any points for leadership in any of those categories?

It’s understandable to desire continual improvement and compatibility in certain facets of parenting, but based on the information provided and the way it is portrayed, it sounds like OP needs to look in the mirror as well.