Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he does the easy, check the box, superficial stuff if he’s around. But doesn’t have any goals for his kids or family or do any planning for sports, trips, meeting goals.

Adhd kids need someone watching their habits and homework.
Girls need parent who both listen and respond. Not minimize or ignore.
Spouses need someone to tag team with, share the mental load and do simple execution tasks. All of that, not just the easiest last step part.

Counseling can provide frameworks for all of this. I’d also look into adhd if this DH cannot figure out what to do with his family (ie if his MO is to wait for you to make a request otherwise he never thinks to do it= bad).

[Anonymous]

He is bonding with his kids. Just not in the way you'd like him to. Your DS and DH might have similar temprements hence the clashes.

[Anonymous]

the key is that OP says her husband's father was absent. he likely has unresolved issues relating to that, plus he didn't have the father figure model that many children had. my guess is he doesn't recognize how lacking in the father department he is and figures being physically present is enough. You need to talk to him and don't tell him he's a bad father and don't compare him to your dad. talk from a point of view where you'd like to have more of a partner and you'd like to help him discover the joys of connecting emotionally with his children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the key is that OP says her husband's father was absent. he likely has unresolved issues relating to that, plus he didn't have the father figure model that many children had. my guess is he doesn't recognize how lacking in the father department he is and figures being physically present is enough. You need to talk to him and don't tell him he's a bad father and don't compare him to your dad. talk from a point of view where you'd like to have more of a partner and you'd like to help him discover the joys of connecting emotionally with his children

Hell no. He is an adult and ought to be allowed to relate to his children as he sees fit. Women who are always trying to mold their husbands and children into supposedly being “better” versions of themselves are just miserable excuses for human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the key is that OP says her husband's father was absent. he likely has unresolved issues relating to that, plus he didn't have the father figure model that many children had. my guess is he doesn't recognize how lacking in the father department he is and figures being physically present is enough. You need to talk to him and don't tell him he's a bad father and don't compare him to your dad. talk from a point of view where you'd like to have more of a partner and you'd like to help him discover the joys of connecting emotionally with his children

Hell no. He is an adult and ought to be allowed to relate to his children as he sees fit. Women who are always trying to mold their husbands and children into supposedly being “better” versions of themselves are just miserable excuses for human beings.

The 1950s called...they're looking for some bitter loser who used the time machine without permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I was expecting some people to come down on me. I had a really special family and fairytale childhood, so I think my standards are too high. To answer some questions from above...

He was not an only child.
His father was absent from his life.
This is about his emotional bonding with his kids and not about sharing the load of household duties.
Perhaps he is a normal guy, as some have expressed, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. My experience with my own father, grandfather and uncles is not that they were just “normal guys” who got a pass from going above and beyond as fathers.
I do not want my husband to be my father. I was comparing his actions to those of my father because that’s my only point of reference for fathering. And my father was a great one. Nothing wrong with that.
I am not a SAHM, but I do put a lot of effort into parenting. I only get them for about 18 years. Why wouldn’t I put my all into it?

You don’t get to dictate this.

+1

You don't get to say how he bonds emotionally with his children. My husband and I do it differently, but we each appreciate that we're doing it in our own ways. Now, if my husband's way of "bonding" was to ignore the kids until they were 18, I'd have an issue with that, but otherwise you need to respect that he's a different person than you are and he's going to do things differently. The run thing was stupid, but if that doesn't happen a lot, then let it go. You should have said something about it in the moment, so be ready if he does something like that again. I have said and done some boneheaded things before and my husband generally let me know that maybe I could think about it a different way and I realized he was right.

[Anonymous]

OP is a controlling person who needs to have things done in a certain way for her to approve/be satisfied. Be careful, OP, you are slowly driving your husband away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised by the posts criticizing you. He sounds like a mediocre father to me. It's nice he does the minimum, but I don't think it's asking too much to expect more. I don't think the "traditions" stuff or researching parenting topics is important, but you saying he never seeks out opportunities to do things with the kids suggests he's not very engaged or invested. Leaving him alone with the kids might help.

Like what? Read parenting books? Discipline the same exact way as OP (maybe her DH thinks she is unreasonable in her discipline). And to your other point, the OP listed out a bunch of things that DH is ALREADY doing (bed/bath/sports/feed them) - could he do more? sure! But don't say he's not engaged. GFAFB.

I don't know. Showing up to eat the dinner that his wife has prepared seems like a pretty reasonable thing to ask.
And I know that I would be lost without my husband helping to discipline the kids. It's hard to be BOTH warm and fuzzy and a strong disciplinarian. The kids know that they can't talk back to me, or they will have the wrath of DAD. Getting it from mom just isn't the same.

TBH, he sounds like a fine dad, but a crappy husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I was expecting some people to come down on me. I had a really special family and fairytale childhood, so I think my standards are too high. To answer some questions from above...

He was not an only child.
His father was absent from his life.
This is about his emotional bonding with his kids and not about sharing the load of household duties.
Perhaps he is a normal guy, as some have expressed, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. My experience with my own father, grandfather and uncles is not that they were just “normal guys” who got a pass from going above and beyond as fathers.
I do not want my husband to be my father. I was comparing his actions to those of my father because that’s my only point of reference for fathering. And my father was a great one. Nothing wrong with that.
I am not a SAHM, but I do put a lot of effort into parenting. I only get them for about 18 years. Why wouldn’t I put my all into it?

You don’t get to dictate this.

+1

You don't get to say how he bonds emotionally with his children. My husband and I do it differently, but we each appreciate that we're doing it in our own ways. Now, if my husband's way of "bonding" was to ignore the kids until they were 18, I'd have an issue with that, but otherwise you need to respect that he's a different person than you are and he's going to do things differently. The run thing was stupid, but if that doesn't happen a lot, then let it go. You should have said something about it in the moment, so be ready if he does something like that again. I have said and done some boneheaded things before and my husband generally let me know that maybe I could think about it a different way and I realized he was right.

Funny, my husbands father “bonded emotionally” with his sons via Co-dependency and playing Good Cop to the mother’s actual parenting and house rules.

Lots of unwind for my husband in terms of doing actual parenting and child rearing- not just sneaking cake, watching too much Tv, and staying up late like his father would “parent” in order to win his children’s love.
Unfortunately for my husbands brother he never left the nest and the Co-dependency continues in an unhealthy, serious, maturity-killing way for both of them, the 70-something father and the 30-something adult son.

[Anonymous]

Goes out jogging right as the dinner is getting in the table and he’s been home for hours?!? That’s classics adhd tunnel vision and inattentive.

Read the book adhd marriage and see if it resonates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t read parenting books or research parenting topics either, and I think letting an 8yo and 5yo entertain themselves is a real gift. I’m not sure when we decided that children needed to be entertained all the time. I’m also a believer that in parenting, with regards to time, it’s not just quality, it’s quantity. Being around is huge. He doesn’t need to make every moment magical. He seems like a very good dad to me and in general my expectations for dads are pretty high.

I agree with this, nd I also agree with PP who’s said your kids will recognize and accept that you and your DH are different people, they will understand that they are loved and cared for by both parents and they’ll be just fine. He’s not going to be the guy who creates traditions or is “creative” with the kids; that’s just not who he is and you can’t really change that. My own dad wasn’t like that but my mom and grandparents were, and I grew up with a healthy balance. I love my dad but never relied on him emotionally; I did always know that he loved me.

The only thing that was concerning in your post is that he’s constantly butting heads with your oldest and that it seems to be damaging their relationship. Can you give some examples?

[Bella_lee]

Hi @OP I do think that parenting should be a team work and understand where you are coming from. Communicating is also vital in any relationship and necessary to be able to understand each other, so telling him your concerns about the dynamics of your family is normal in my opinion. If you feel you might not be able to articulate how you are feeling, then family therapy/counselling might be an option to consider.

I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting your children to have a close relationship with their dad and for him to be more involved in creating opportunities to bond with them. Hope things work out for the best for you and your family. Stay strong.