Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?
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Anonymous
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I want to explain to DH how I'm feeling but I can't get it out the way I want and I can't get anywhere with him...
Our children are 8yo and 5yo. My husband is responsible and hard-working. He's reliable, dependable, trust-worthy, intelligent, etc. I'm grateful for those qualities and I let him know that. However, I feel that he's really lacking in the emotional bond and other parts of fatherhood, but I'm having trouble explaining it and getting him to see what I see. He helps with child-related tasks such as giving them breakfast, taking one of them to school, helps with bath/books/bedtime, comes to their sports events, etc. So he's there and he's helping, but he's kind of clueless when it comes to the emotional stuff. He doesn't know how to discipline effectively, he doesn't spend any time reading about or researching child development/parenting/dealing with issues related to our kids (ADHD for example, or my daughter dealing with hurt feelings and bullying at school). He doesn't know how to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with the kids. He butts heads constantly with my son, to the point where my son almost doesn't want anything to do with him. He never thinks to take my kids to do anything special, or even just a trip to the park unless I suggest it and arrange it. He doesn't contribute in any way to building family traditions or helping to make holidays/birthdays special. He makes no attempt to be involved in or interested in their schoolwork or progress at school. I'm just tired of being the one to have to build the family alone - I want a partner in it, and it makes me so sad to see that my kids aren't being taught by or led by a strong father-figure teaching them how to be good and loving human beings in conjunction with me. My dad was/is amazing. He was such an important part of my childhood and who I am today. We're so close, and it makes me sad that my husband isn't more like that. Maybe that's wrong of me. Let me give a very small example: he had a VERY slow work day and was able to be home in the afternoon, which is unusual. Instead of getting involved in the kids' homework and after school stuff (which he saw me dealing with), he sat around doing his own thing. Then at 5:15 he announced he was going for a run, which then interferes with an opportunity to be with the family for dinner. Often he has to miss family dinner for work, and I understand that is not his fault, but here was an opportunity to be part of our family dinner, and he decided to run (something he had time to do hours before and didn't, btw). He's never thinking about the kids, but always thinking about himself. This is a very minor example, but it really frustrated me. Am I expecting too much? How can I make this better? I was thinking maybe family therapy. |
Anonymous
| OP, he was emotional enough for you. He's fine. Kids learn that people, even parents, are different and have their strengths and weaknesses. It helps kids accept themselves. |
Anonymous
| Is he an only child? My now exDH is like this and honestly it was a huge factor in our break up. It’s like other ppl’s emotional needs just do not register to him. He will do what he “has to” but never EVER makes a special effort, goes out of his way or even attunes himself to others’ moods. He’s not a bad person per se but it’s like he is emotionally blind. I know it is heartbreaking especially to see the effects on your children. Just letting you know you’re not alone. It’s hard because on paper there’s nothing wrong but the feeling is just so lacking. |
Anonymous
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You're not expecting too much. When DH and I are home, we're helping each other with house/kid stuff so the other's load is less.
I would have a hard time articulating what you said too. I wonder how your DH's father was with him. I remember crying once and my mom saying, "Scott, HUG HER!" because he was closer to me than she was. But you know, he tried in his own ways, and I was able to see that, and appreciate his trying. So is this about you doing all the work, or about you worrying he's not emotionally close with the kids? Because those are two different things. |
Anonymous
| You want your husband to be your father, and you think he is the one with issues? |
Anonymous
| Neither me or my husband does most of what you describe. Are you a SAHM? Seems like you dedicate a lot of time to parenting in a certain way/researching how to parent. |
Anonymous
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I think that if he's responsible/reliable/intelligent, you can get where you want to be. Right now you say he doesn't do anything with the kids one on one unless you plan it. So plan a "dad + kids" outing each week. As he spends more time with them and gets to know them (and as they grow and become more involved in likes/hobbies), he can learn their likes and dislikes and have his own ideas for places to go/things to do with them. When it comes to not helping out when you're on parenting duty and he's hanging out on his phone, divide and conquer. "I've got to help Larlo with this math, Larla needs help with her spelling." Or better yet: "Larla ask your dad to help you with your spelling," you don't have to be the taskmaster here.
As far as coming up with holiday traditions, I think it's nice that you have such fond memories of that with your dad but I don't think it's poor parenting or emotionally distant to not think to invent traditions. Plus traditions come about organically -- one year you'll do something that you all love and then you'll repeat it. |
Anonymous
| Accept it. He sounds great, but he is a dude. They aren’t that warm fuzzy, but he adores those babies as much as you do. |
Anonymous
+1 He sounds like a normal guy. If you wanted a partner who would research parenting issues and get in the weeds on homework and such, you perhaps should have sought out a lesbian. |
Anonymous
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OP here- thanks for the replies. I was expecting some people to come down on me. I had a really special family and fairytale childhood, so I think my standards are too high. To answer some questions from above...
He was not an only child. His father was absent from his life. This is about his emotional bonding with his kids and not about sharing the load of household duties. Perhaps he is a normal guy, as some have expressed, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. My experience with my own father, grandfather and uncles is not that they were just “normal guys” who got a pass from going above and beyond as fathers. I do not want my husband to be my father. I was comparing his actions to those of my father because that’s my only point of reference for fathering. And my father was a great one. Nothing wrong with that. I am not a SAHM, but I do put a lot of effort into parenting. I only get them for about 18 years. Why wouldn’t I put my all into it? |
Anonymous
I had the same thought! Complaining he doesn’t research parenting... geez. I would be annoyed at the run. I do not help me children with homework. It is their work to do. Sitting there to do it with them does not teach them independence or responsibility. So he’s not a creative parent. Lower your expectations. |
Anonymous
| I don’t read parenting books or research parenting topics either, and I think letting an 8yo and 5yo entertain themselves is a real gift. I’m not sure when we decided that children needed to be entertained all the time. I’m also a believer that in parenting, with regards to time, it’s not just quality, it’s quantity. Being around is huge. He doesn’t need to make every moment magical. He seems like a very good dad to me and in general my expectations for dads are pretty high. |
Anonymous
I disagree. He sounds mediocre and selfish, and the part about not knowing how to disipline or relate maturely to the child with ADHD is very bad. |
Anonymous
| OP I would be annoyed by much of what you describe. But I would assume it is just because it does not come naturally to him and he did not have any models for this. Now and then I might drop in a few statements about how specific things make you feel, so even if it doesn’t come naturally to him he can learn what the effects of his behaviors are. For example, my husband used to basically walk away and leave me alone if I was upset, either because I was sick or had a really hard day or something. He had no idea this might bother me because he said that when he is upset he wants to be alone so that was normal to him. I said that for me, I preferred some kind of company or assistance if things were going badly for me. It really helped me to have that conversation. |
Anonymous
| He ca't read your mind. He's clueless. You have to be specific about what you want. Ask him if you can work out a way to be specific with him about what would be helpful with the kids. Ask him if there's anything *he* would like you to be doing differently. |