Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?

[Anonymous]

You need to speak up when he is being selfish and not thinking of his family first. The running thing--you should say, as he is gearing up to run, you had all afternoon to go running, but decide to go running now instead of taking this rare opportunity to have dinner with the kids?

You have to raise this sort of thing over and over--when it happens. And make it clear that he needs to plan this sort of thing in advance. He will get angry and defensive, but keep it up. He will grudgingly and slowly change.

Also, you need to spell out that he needs to take initiative in building a relationship with his children.

He can't read your mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t need our feedback. You know the answer to your own dilemma.

Look at the facts you gave us:

- his father was not present
- you bring high expectations of fathers into the marriage

My father was not present and I brought zero expectations into my marriage.
Conversely, my FIL was present but a total dud of a dad.

It’s important to be aware of your own limitations and skill set.
I agree this feels like a let down for you, but your DH is parenting in the only way he knows how.
Be patient with him.
(I could have written your entire post, BTW.)

[Anonymous]

This is just the nature of the beast. Most men are not family oriented, are independent and like to pursue their own interests apart from the family, aren't good at emotions or conversation, aren't up on the latest parenting techniques, and don't think about the next goal their kids need to meet. If you compare your father to your DH and your DH comes up short, that's not going to help you feel any better about it.

[Anonymous]

Millions of kids have grown up to be happy,healthy adults with parents just like your DH. I would say the majority of parents - both mothers and fathers are not extremely emotionally connected. Many just go through the motions of each day, getting what needs to be done done. Many don't have the luxury of time to do what you do, they are working 2 jobs and trying to keep food on the table.

I have never in my life had a personal conversation with my father or exchanged any affection other than a stiff hug. Yet he is a great person and a great dad. He connects to people intellectually, not emotionally. If you want to debate - he is your person. He taught us many things that didn't have anything to do with emotion. He was a professor and very into his own world but if we went to his world, he loved including us in it. I used to spend hours in his office while he worked. We weren't even talking but he would ask me to 'mark' exams and I would put red check marks all over pages. or i would find things to entertain myself with.

You might need to let go of your traditional view of a good father and see how else he can connect with the kids that is maybe quite different from what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he an only child? My now exDH is like this and honestly it was a huge factor in our break up. It’s like other ppl’s emotional needs just do not register to him. He will do what he “has to” but never EVER makes a special effort, goes out of his way or even attunes himself to others’ moods. He’s not a bad person per se but it’s like he is emotionally blind. I know it is heartbreaking especially to see the effects on your children. Just letting you know you’re not alone. It’s hard because on paper there’s nothing wrong but the feeling is just so lacking.

What in the hell does being an only child have to do with it I'm an only child my wife is an only child and both of us are very open to discussing our emotions articulating our emotions and being emotionally present for our kids. you're an idiot

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you and husband would benefit from therapy, if only to communicate better about what you both want out of family life and parenting. You don’t sound like you’re on the same page and can’t seem to talk and listen well enough to resolve it.

There’s no harm in trying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I was expecting some people to come down on me. I had a really special family and fairytale childhood, so I think my standards are too high. To answer some questions from above...

He was not an only child.
His father was absent from his life.
This is about his emotional bonding with his kids and not about sharing the load of household duties.
Perhaps he is a normal guy, as some have expressed, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. My experience with my own father, grandfather and uncles is not that they were just “normal guys” who got a pass from going above and beyond as fathers.
I do not want my husband to be my father. I was comparing his actions to those of my father because that’s my only point of reference for fathering. And my father was a great one. Nothing wrong with that.
I am not a SAHM, but I do put a lot of effort into parenting. I only get them for about 18 years. Why wouldn’t I put my all into it?

OP, I don't think what you're expecting is unreasonable. I'll caveat that by saying I don't have kids, nor do I want them (I am married though). But I grew up with a father like this and sadly we have had a very tumultuous relationship and for the last 10 years, we do nothing more than exchange small talk at holidays. My grandmother, his mother, chastises me, saying "your father was always around, he kept a roof over your head, food on the table, what more could you want?" But he was only "there" physically. I never felt like he cared about me or about what I was doing or what I was interested in. I saw the same patterns in his treatment of my younger half brothers years later and it was so sad to watch. So, for everyone saying this is just how fathers are, just know that being accepting of this behavior can be truly detrimental to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I was expecting some people to come down on me. I had a really special family and fairytale childhood, so I think my standards are too high.

Well good for you, but probably no one would live up to your standards. You don't need family therapy. You need to be less of a control freak.

[Anonymous]

What kind of heart to heart talks are you expecting him to have with kids who are 8 and 5??

[Anonymous]

Who are you to dictate what someone else's emotional bond with their children should look like? Seriously, you sound psycho. First off, they're young. Second, you only have one view of what "emotional bonding" looks like based on your very limited experience with your own father. You shouldn't assume that your children don't have any or a similar bond with their father just because it doesn't look like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want your husband to be your father, and you think he is the one with issues?

I was thinking the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just the nature of the beast. Most men are not family oriented, are independent and like to pursue their own interests apart from the family, aren't good at emotions or conversation, aren't up on the latest parenting techniques, and don't think about the next goal their kids need to meet. If you compare your father to your DH and your DH comes up short, that's not going to help you feel any better about it.

total bullshit there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Millions of kids have grown up to be happy,healthy adults with parents just like your DH. I would say the majority of parents - both mothers and fathers are not extremely emotionally connected. Many just go through the motions of each day, getting what needs to be done done. Many don't have the luxury of time to do what you do, they are working 2 jobs and trying to keep food on the table.

I have never in my life had a personal conversation with my father or exchanged any affection other than a stiff hug. Yet he is a great person and a great dad. He connects to people intellectually, not emotionally. If you want to debate - he is your person. He taught us many things that didn't have anything to do with emotion. He was a professor and very into his own world but if we went to his world, he loved including us in it. I used to spend hours in his office while he worked. We weren't even talking but he would ask me to 'mark' exams and I would put red check marks all over pages. or i would find things to entertain myself with.

You might need to let go of your traditional view of a good father and see how else he can connect with the kids that is maybe quite different from what you do.

She doesn't have a traditional view of a good father. She has a modern view of a good father.

Her husband sounds like a picture perfect example of the traditional good father. Good provider. Shows up for activities. Makes sure everyone has a roof over their head, food in the bellies and money for the extras.

She wants a modern father, the guys who does what a traditional father does, PLUS all the emotional nurturing of a traditional mom. She wants superdad.

OP, were you an only child and "Daddy's Little Princess"? Are you still Daddy's Little Girl?

You are being utterly unfair to your husband and children by expecting him to be your dad V2.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked by the responses on how okay it is to be a mediocre parent. And regarding "researching parenting" - who doesn't do some sort of looking into child-rearing issues? I have a child with a learning issue and one with a health issue. I'd be remiss if I didn't educate myself on those and how to best help my children. Best ways to deal with sibling fighting - read about it to get some strategies. ETC.

Nobody said anything having to entertain the kids constantly - it's about building a relationship with his kids.

And to the two posters who said parents shouldn't be helping with or supervising homework, you're nuts. You shouldn't be doing your kids' homework, but in elementary school, you most certainly should be involved. Take it from an elementary school teacher - you should be helping and supervising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the replies. I was expecting some people to come down on me. I had a really special family and fairytale childhood, so I think my standards are too high. To answer some questions from above...

He was not an only child.
His father was absent from his life.
This is about his emotional bonding with his kids and not about sharing the load of household duties.
Perhaps he is a normal guy, as some have expressed, so maybe I should adjust my expectations. My experience with my own father, grandfather and uncles is not that they were just “normal guys” who got a pass from going above and beyond as fathers.
I do not want my husband to be my father. I was comparing his actions to those of my father because that’s my only point of reference for fathering. And my father was a great one. Nothing wrong with that.
I am not a SAHM, but I do put a lot of effort into parenting. I only get them for about 18 years. Why wouldn’t I put my all into it?

You don’t get to dictate this.