Reply to Husband needs to be better father - how to articulate, or maybe I shouldn't?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think the problem here, and it is reflected in the schizophrenic responses you are getting here, is that you have just thrown together a grab bag of complaints, some serious, but some verging on the inane. I think *you* really need to spend some introspective time to analyze what is bothering you about the relationship and what is a "fair" concern and what is not.

Off the top of my head, I'd say that the fact that he is butting heads with your son to the point that the relationship is suffering and (apparently) completely uninvolved in their education is serious, but the fact that he isn't quite so warm and fuzzy or into family traditions is at most a difference of style. But really, I think what is key is that *you* figure out exactly what you think is truly concerning here and then try to find a solution [i]with [/i]your DH to move forward. But pick like three things... don't use this as an exercise to do a 54 point comparison between DH versus your Dad![/quote]

The best part of having a two parent household is that each has different strengths. You sound like you want him to be exactly like you, with the same priorities. If he didn't do all the other stuff he does with the kids and family, I would think he's being selfish. But I really don't think that's the case.  For example, expecting him to focus his unexpected time off on the family. As much as I love my kids, they deserve a happy mom and exercise is what helps me de-stress and better to be around. I agree with the poster who says if it bothered you, you should have spoken up. That's a more healthy response than expecting him to figure this out.

When it comes to school work, people have different styles; from just making sure it's done to wanting to know every assignment and I don't know which camp you are in. It's not a problem since one of you is monitoring it. Why do you need two hoverers? He probably thinks you have it covered. In my family, one of us does the parent-teacher conference, the other does the daily homework check. If you want to divide this up, it is fair to ask.

I agree with the value of special on-on-one time with the kids. But it makes sense he doesn't think of it on his own, he had no experience of it himself. Remind yourself of this and how lucky your were and just schedule it for him because it is important to both you and the kids. It might stop the headbutting. If it doesn't,  just continue to be a warm and loving parent to counter his lack of emotional rapport. The price he will pay will be kids that are closer to you. But that may be subconsciously what he thinks is the right way to parent.

I don't mean to be harsh, but seems you heavily prioritize some idyllic family life. That's admirable, but it's also making it all about what you want and narrowing the definition of what makes a good husband (and family). [/quote]

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