Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

NP here - I found out or at least got suspicious because my DH seemed in a much better mood and stopped complaining about the almost lack of sex. It took about six months for a light bulb to go on in my head and it didn't take much effort on my part to figure out what is going on. He doesn't know that I know but somehow we are both happier.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. So you are able/willing to live with your DH getting sex elsewhere as long as it doesn't rock the boat at home? Do you have no interest in him physically or desire to be with him intimately? what if he gets emotionally attached to the AP?

PP our home life is very good but we are not intimate. We are friendly and coexist but once we become empty nesters in two years I will leave. If he gets emotionally attached to his AP it something he will have to deal with. He may be now but it doesn't affect my life. I know this sounds very cold but it helps me cope with my mad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Not that odd. I've had my DW say similar things. Insists, with heartfelt and sincere tone, even some tears, that she still finds me attractive and sexy...but still has very little interest in sex beyond once a week (or less) duty sex. I'd bet a large sum of money other guys will chime in with similar stories soon enough.

Yup. I've heard essentially this. "I want to want to have sex" is something I hear.

[Anonymous]

Men can live without sex, and they do it all the time. Men are not entitled to sex. Men go to war -- for months or years at a time. No sex there unless they are cheaters. Wives get cancer, and instead of "opening the marriage" they fulfill their wedding vows of "in sickness or in health."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

Slow is a relative term. Compared to when I was 19? Sure, but I'm in my early 50s and my libido remains much higher than DW who is at the age when she should be a horny mess. Who knows? Maybe she is and she has an AP who's benefiting from it, but if so, she's really good at hiding it and acting like the adoring and devoted yet sexually uninterested wife.

This.
I’m in my 40s and it has slowed compared to when I was a teenager or compared to when I was in my 20s. Back then, sex 4 or so times a day would have been nice. Now 1-2 times a day would be nice.

I'm 65 and we have sex 1-2 times a week. It's been so long since I was in my 20's-30's that I can't recall what we did but 2-3 times a week is probably close. We may have done it twice each time but now I'm one and done. It is very nice to not be in a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Not that odd. I've had my DW say similar things. Insists, with heartfelt and sincere tone, even some tears, that she still finds me attractive and sexy...but still has very little interest in sex beyond once a week (or less) duty sex. I'd bet a large sum of money other guys will chime in with similar stories soon enough.

Yeah, I imagine it's similar with other DWs. I have once a month (duty?) sex and maybe a HJ here and there (those are definitely duty - lol).

I have a good buddy who is going on 6 months of virtually zero touch. No hugs, no touch, nothing - they both are equal partners at home in cooking, cleaning, child care, etc. They co-exist and the odd thing is that neither one is having an affair. they are young (late 30s) and one small child (3). Not sure how much longer that will continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men can live without sex, and they do it all the time. Men are not entitled to sex. Men go to war -- for months or years at a time. No sex there unless they are cheaters. Wives get cancer, and instead of "opening the marriage" they fulfill their wedding vows of "in sickness or in health."

I think men are not built this way and I disagree. I think women are more likely to be able to live without sex. And up until we started fighting the wars in the ME, you really think men didn't have sex while they were at war?? lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men can live without sex, and they do it all the time. Men are not entitled to sex. Men go to war -- for months or years at a time. No sex there unless they are cheaters. Wives get cancer, and instead of "opening the marriage" they fulfill their wedding vows of "in sickness or in health."

Real peals of wisdom here. It's just like you're in the shit or your spouse is dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men can live without sex, and they do it all the time. Men are not entitled to sex. Men go to war -- for months or years at a time. No sex there unless they are cheaters. Wives get cancer, and instead of "opening the marriage" they fulfill their wedding vows of "in sickness or in health."

you know your DH is cheating on you, and no wonder with your view towards sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men can live without sex, and they do it all the time. Men are not entitled to sex. Men go to war -- for months or years at a time. No sex there unless they are cheaters. Wives get cancer, and instead of "opening the marriage" they fulfill their wedding vows of "in sickness or in health."

Nice strawman.

Most men aren't at war and most women don't have cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Not that odd. I've had my DW say similar things. Insists, with heartfelt and sincere tone, even some tears, that she still finds me attractive and sexy...but still has very little interest in sex beyond once a week (or less) duty sex. I'd bet a large sum of money other guys will chime in with similar stories soon enough.

Yup. I've heard essentially this. "I want to want to have sex" is something I hear.

For my wife, it's largely true. When she was out of shape and burned out from dealing with little kids, sex wasn't on her mind. When she got back into shape, she wanted to have it at least occasionally. Now she is back to fighting with out teenager and doesn't want it. None of this really depends on me.

It sucks, it affects our marriage. It's not always about what I am doing or not doing, rarely is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Not that odd. I've had my DW say similar things. Insists, with heartfelt and sincere tone, even some tears, that she still finds me attractive and sexy...but still has very little interest in sex beyond once a week (or less) duty sex. I'd bet a large sum of money other guys will chime in with similar stories soon enough.

Yup. I've heard essentially this. "I want to want to have sex" is something I hear.

For my wife, it's largely true. When she was out of shape and burned out from dealing with little kids, sex wasn't on her mind. When she got back into shape, she wanted to have it at least occasionally. Now she is back to fighting with out teenager and doesn't want it. None of this really depends on me.

It sucks, it affects our marriage. It's not always about what I am doing or not doing, rarely is.

Yep, this. There will ALWAYS be an issue at home. My DW is the same - our sleep issues, having challenges with the oldest DD (11), body self image, etc. It's constant and the stars have to align for her to be in a good state in order to have sex. The ability to get consumed by stresses in life will always be there.

[Anonymous]

Mentally ill women are often wild in bed. See Angelina Jolie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Not that odd. I've had my DW say similar things. Insists, with heartfelt and sincere tone, even some tears, that she still finds me attractive and sexy...but still has very little interest in sex beyond once a week (or less) duty sex. I'd bet a large sum of money other guys will chime in with similar stories soon enough.

Yup. I've heard essentially this. "I want to want to have sex" is something I hear.

For my wife, it's largely true. When she was out of shape and burned out from dealing with little kids, sex wasn't on her mind. When she got back into shape, she wanted to have it at least occasionally. Now she is back to fighting with out teenager and doesn't want it. None of this really depends on me.

It sucks, it affects our marriage. It's not always about what I am doing or not doing, rarely is.

Yep, this. There will ALWAYS be an issue at home. My DW is the same - our sleep issues, having challenges with the oldest DD (11), body self image, etc. It's constant and the stars have to align for her to be in a good state in order to have sex. The ability to get consumed by stresses in life will always be there.

I'm convinced that womens' book groups are really just an excuse for 8-10 women to share their newest ideas on how to avoid having sex with their spouses. I rarely see my wife reading a book, she always has excuses and she has a monthly book group meeting. I can connect the dots!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm convinced that womens' book groups are really just an excuse for 8-10 women to share their newest ideas on how to avoid having sex with their spouses. I rarely see my wife reading a book, she always has excuses and she has a monthly book group meeting. I can connect the dots!

I don’t think they read either. My wife hosted one and they spent most of the time complaining about their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm convinced that womens' book groups are really just an excuse for 8-10 women to share their newest ideas on how to avoid having sex with their spouses. I rarely see my wife reading a book, she always has excuses and she has a monthly book group meeting. I can connect the dots!

I don’t think they read either. My wife hosted one and they spent most of the time complaining about their husbands.

Yup - I overheard a women’s group one time chatting about regular day to day stuff and that eventually lead to complaining about their DHs. Mind you this wasn’t a group of close gal pals - this was a networking style group. I was pretty surprised at how open they were about sharing their distaste for their DHs