Aren't families supposed to be your ride or die?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP.
I also noticed that people who didn't learn how to build relationships with their family usually don't know how to do it with their children. My MIL doesn't talk to her brother or her sister. Each ruined relationship has its own reason. Now she has very bad relationship with all of her children. She doesn't know how to communicate, and just shuts down and stops talking excpecting people come to her.

My experience is the opposite. People who have chosen not to have relationships with those who are toxic/unhealthy model better behaviors than those who continue to allow themselves to be treated poorly. My MIL cut off her mother because of the drama, manipulation and disparate treatment they showed my DH and his siblings. Yet, she's a fabulous mother, MIL and grandmother. Seriously, I couldn't ask for better MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with you OP.
I also noticed that people who didn't learn how to build relationships with their family usually don't know how to do it with their children. My MIL doesn't talk to her brother or her sister. Each ruined relationship has its own reason. Now she has very bad relationship with all of her children. She doesn't know how to communicate, and just shuts down and stops talking excpecting people come to her.

My experience is the opposite. People who have chosen not to have relationships with those who are toxic/unhealthy model better behaviors than those who continue to allow themselves to be treated poorly. My MIL cut off her mother because of the drama, manipulation and disparate treatment they showed my DH and his siblings. Yet, she's a fabulous mother, MIL and grandmother. Seriously, I couldn't ask for better MIL.

Well in psychology it's known fact that people with damaged childhood can't rely on childhood memories in difficult times of their life. There are also other side effects, sometimes invisible for other people if the person really working on himself. But overall people with damaged relationships from childhood are more prone to depressions and accepting/being their true self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This prevalence of casually eliminating your close blood relatives from your life, to me, is pretty disturbing. Again to be clear, I do not mean situations where people have had the unfortunate occurrence of being born into a family with drug addicts or alcoholics or with any form of abuse. I mean normal families made up of normal, every day, well intentioned but inevitably flawed individuals.

These are the mothers who love their children but also pressured them to excel academically, almost to a fault.

These are the fathers who worked hard to provide for their families and as such more time in board rooms and business travel than cheering at every soccer game.

These are the parents who adore their children and are good people but happen to be Republican or support Trump.

These are the Muslim parents who gave up everything to move their family to the U.S for a better life but did not have the cultural knowledge to help their children adjust to a new culture.

These are the dads who work so much that when they come home they might be exhausted and be a little short with their children.

This is the single mom who maybe perhaps treated her kids more like friends than children.

etc etc

So many of these children grow up and viciously cut off their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers claiming "abuse!" and "toxicity."

Of course people are allowed their feelings and opinions. But aren't people who love you supposed to be kind and forgiving of your flaws? Everyone messes up. Everyone has their not-their-best moments. The beauty of family and love is that you can know someone at their worst and still accept them and love them.

Nowadays you are tiptoeing around your loved ones out of the fear that you may accidentally hurt their feelings and never be invited to spend Christmas with them again!

What a crazy thought!

Amen OP. I’m with you on this!

[Anonymous]

"Supposed to be" is just that. When my parents were ill and dying, my dh (who they disliked) and I were the only ones who showed up. My sibling had to be forced, and they were the one our parents expected to step up or "rude and die." Whoops.m

Though I care for them, I am under no illusions anyone else in my family will be there for me, other than my spouse.

The only people I know who are completely estranged from their families are like the examples given above, kicked to the curb for marrying some one of different race or religion, or being gay / lesbian.

On the other hand, my parents always told me if I voted for Obama they would never speak to me again. I never discussed politics with them, for obvious reasons, so that solved that. Also know one relative is hiding her daughter's female partner from the rest of our family, because her whole family would be shunned if she didn't disown her daughter. It's not just the children doing the shunning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:47 here. The main point of my story is that people who get cut off tend to minimize their wrongdoings. And people who are private and do the cutting off don’t always like to air their dirty laundry.

They were emotionally abusive to me and my sister all our lives, but like many abuse victims I tried to be a better daughter and please them so maybe they’d finally love me. They treated my kids like royalty so I never thought they’d be cruel to them like they had been to my sister and me. But then they f’ed with my kid and I realized the only way to break the cycle was to end contact. Fortunately my kids have better parents than I had and they realized immediately how inappropriate the situation was and asked to be removed from it. It took me 40 years.

Dear PP, *virtual hug*. I'd do the same thing in your boat. You are a wonderful parent. I just thought you should know that, as speaking from experience it can sometimes feel wrong when a bunch of people are all constantly asking when you'll reconcile. Keep being a great rock for your kid. They are so lucky you're their parents.

Thank you. It’s not exactly a new feeling for me, but sometimes I’m still taken aback that a stranger can be kinder and more supportive to me than my own mother. When I was little, I just assumed everyone’s mom was mean at home and nice in public. My awakening came when I had kids and I realized that’s not how a loving mom treats her kids.

I think in previous generations, it was harder to cut people off, especially if you lived near each other. It’s shocking to people like my mother because she put up with worse abuse from her parents and she stuck around. She’s legitimately a better parent than them (it’s a low bar), albeit still abusive, so she doesn’t get why I can’t tolerate what she doles out. It’s her turn to be the matriarch and I’ve taken that away from her, so I must be the irrational one.

[Anonymous]

Op you’re not listening to your loved ones. If there is a problem, they are not inventing it out of thin air.
All you can do is hear their feelings (or not hear their feelings), then decide whether or not their feelings matter.

It’s a 4-quadrant grid:
1) If their experiences and issues are justified, and you listen and help resolve, you’ll have success.
2) If their experiences are justified, and you don’t listen or help repair, you’ll find a continued rift.
3) If their experiences are NOT justified, and you find that you don’t want to play into their issues, then it’s up to you to create boundaries.
4) If their experiences are NOT justified, you can choose to give into it, and you can decide how healthy that is or isn’t.

The idea is you cannot be a fair judge of whether or not their experiences are justified. So your choices are only to give in, listen, help build trust; or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with you OP.
I also noticed that people who didn't learn how to build relationships with their family usually don't know how to do it with their children. My MIL doesn't talk to her brother or her sister. Each ruined relationship has its own reason. Now she has very bad relationship with all of her children. She doesn't know how to communicate, and just shuts down and stops talking excpecting people come to her.

My experience is the opposite. People who have chosen not to have relationships with those who are toxic/unhealthy model better behaviors than those who continue to allow themselves to be treated poorly. My MIL cut off her mother because of the drama, manipulation and disparate treatment they showed my DH and his siblings. Yet, she's a fabulous mother, MIL and grandmother. Seriously, I couldn't ask for better MIL.

Well in psychology it's known fact that people with damaged childhood can't rely on childhood memories in difficult times of their life. There are also other side effects, sometimes invisible for other people if the person really working on himself. But overall people with damaged relationships from childhood are more prone to depressions and accepting/being their true self.

All the more reason to cut off people with whom you cannot have a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

The ride or die mentality has done significant damage to thousands of people, millions over the span of humanity. It protects abusers, prevents cycles of dysfunction from breaking, and damages the most vulnerable among us - our children.

Yes, Small problems need to be discussed and (hopefully) resolves. But sometimes the really big problems can’t be solved and you just need to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Supposed to be" is just that. When my parents were ill and dying, my dh (who they disliked) and I were the only ones who showed up. My sibling had to be forced, and they were the one our parents expected to step up or "rude and die." Whoops.m

Though I care for them, I am under no illusions anyone else in my family will be there for me, other than my spouse.

The only people I know who are completely estranged from their families are like the examples given above, kicked to the curb for marrying some one of different race or religion, or being gay / lesbian.

On the other hand, my parents always told me if I voted for Obama they would never speak to me again. I never discussed politics with them, for obvious reasons, so that solved that. Also know one relative is hiding her daughter's female partner from the rest of our family, because her whole family would be shunned if she didn't disown her daughter. It's not just the children doing the shunning.

This. I don’t think it’s just adult “children” cutting parents off, as much as it is parents drawing lines in the sand and the kids not conforming the way past generations would. Like in the past, the kids knew being gay or interracial partners wouldn’t be accepted, so they hid or broke off those relationships. Now, the kids are saying if you can’t handle it, that’s your problem. If you can’t accept me, you can’t be around me.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are going to be a two-way street. A lot of times when people cut a relative off sometimes they don't want to acknowledge their bad actions so they play the victim or for claim it was for no reason.

I only know of one situation where a son ceased all contact with his parents and family of origin and it seems almost like it was a controlling wife situation but again this is second hand information and it's hard to say what's really going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Supposed to be" is just that. When my parents were ill and dying, my dh (who they disliked) and I were the only ones who showed up. My sibling had to be forced, and they were the one our parents expected to step up or "rude and die." Whoops.m

Though I care for them, I am under no illusions anyone else in my family will be there for me, other than my spouse.

The only people I know who are completely estranged from their families are like the examples given above, kicked to the curb for marrying some one of different race or religion, or being gay / lesbian.

On the other hand, my parents always told me if I voted for Obama they would never speak to me again. I never discussed politics with them, for obvious reasons, so that solved that. Also know one relative is hiding her daughter's female partner from the rest of our family, because her whole family would be shunned if she didn't disown her daughter. It's not just the children doing the shunning.

This. I don’t think it’s just adult “children” cutting parents off, as much as it is parents drawing lines in the sand and the kids not conforming the way past generations would. Like in the past, the kids knew being gay or interracial partners wouldn’t be accepted, so they hid or broke off those relationships. Now, the kids are saying if you can’t handle it, that’s your problem. If you can’t accept me, you can’t be around me.

or there was another person who posted a few months ago about a family that basically treated her like the black sheep and would ignore her a family outings, not invite her to have the family events, mocked her a lot. instead of showing up to be there but monkey she was talking about cutting them off

[Anonymous]

Ride or die is how sexual abuse is passed down from generation to generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ride or die is how sexual abuse is passed down from generation to generation.

+1. As well as emotional and physical abuse, neglect, etc.

OP, no, it's doesn't work like that. If you shit on your family, they will not have a close, loving relationship with you simply for the fact of being related.
Even your cat will not have a good relationship with you if you abuse it. This "we all make one little mistake here and there, nobody is perfect" is a load of BS you keep feeding yourself. If you're cut off, you mistake was not 1) one 2) little. You made your bed, now you have to lay in it, or, put on your adult pants and if you need to, get a therapist to work you through this.

[Anonymous]

Only in the USA. But, I thought your title meant you are to drain you born into family till they die.

As for immigrant parents that you mention, like Muslim parents you say, or any other, who don't have the cultural knowledge, I call BS on that. I am an immigrant parent, granted from Europe, and had listened to a Pakistani cab driver/dad who told me that he is sending all his kids back to Pakistan to raise them the "right way." So girls are not .....well, imagine the word. That is in no way out of lack of knowledge, that is willful denying your children to grow up in a country they were born in and to be open minded. You can't clump all immigrants into "ignorant of culture" group. That shows your ignorance. Some immigrant parents hold onto their abusive ways, often without realizing that their own peers back home have changed and are becoming better parents. There is no excuse for that, immigrant or not.

[Anonymous]

My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing.
My father died many years ago. Last time I spoke to my mother was in 2001.
No, family does not mean that individuals connected by consanguinity or affinity are to be trusted or visited.