Aren't families supposed to be your ride or die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please explain ride or die.

urban dictionary

Ride or Die was originally a biker term meaning if you couldn't ride you'd rather die. It has now changed to mean anyone (wife, boyfriend, best friend), that you will "ride" ANY problems out with them or "die" trying. The "ride" doesn't always have to be a negative either. Obviously if you're this close to someone you want them to enjoy the "ride" (life and all it has to offer with them as well.

[Anonymous]

I cut my parents off after they campaigned against my trans child. They said they would not call him by his new name or gender, that it was just a phase, he’s mentally ill, I’m a bad parent for allowing that behavior, and that I’m setting a bad example for my other children by allowing this. After that speech, they asked what time we were coming over for a visit the next week. I said we needed to take a little time to adjust to the new normal before we visit. That set them off into a rage.

They called all our family members who were supportive and chastised them for promoting such a unhealthy lifestyle. My parents don’t go to church, aren’t religious, and my mom is agnostic, but they acted pious and accused supporters of being bad Christians and implied that they’d go to hell and that they were leading my son on a path to eternal damnation.

Then they called all my aunts and uncles, and my FIL (we hadn’t told him yet), and outed my son and for everyone worked up over the situation, so there was little chance of me explaining things calmly and rationally.

To be honest, I was hurt and surprised that they couldn’t be more open minded, but I figured given more time they’d eventually come around. All I asked is that they be respectful. If it had been a phase, just ride it out. If it’s not a phase (and it’s not), then even by showing respect when you disagree with someone, the relationship can still be salvaged. Regardless of how you feel about transgender issues or the lgbt community at large, there was no reason to treat my son and my family the way they did.

If you ask them, they’ll say I’m accusing them of being homophobic and I’m encouraging my son to be mentally ill. They think I’m keeping my kids away from them, but my kids saw/heard their behavior and asked not to be around them anymore. My parents are well respected in their community, and from the outside they seem like perfect parents and grandparents. All their friends think I’m a horrible mother and daughter.

This happened some time ago, and all I feel is relief not to have to deal with them anymore.

[Anonymous]

14:47 here. The main point of my story is that people who get cut off tend to minimize their wrongdoings. And people who are private and do the cutting off don’t always like to air their dirty laundry.

They were emotionally abusive to me and my sister all our lives, but like many abuse victims I tried to be a better daughter and please them so maybe they’d finally love me. They treated my kids like royalty so I never thought they’d be cruel to them like they had been to my sister and me. But then they f’ed with my kid and I realized the only way to break the cycle was to end contact. Fortunately my kids have better parents than I had and they realized immediately how inappropriate the situation was and asked to be removed from it. It took me 40 years.

[Anonymous]

Let’s see… Outwardly we were a normal family. Internally, my dad ruled by the belt. Anything could set off his trigger and we would be severely beaten. My sister wouldn’t get off the phone with her friends, so he broke her arm. My brother was caught watching tv after it was bedtime and my dad slammed his head so hard against the wall it went through the drywall. My mom was psychologically manipulative, if we really loved her we would do this, and whenever we didn’t perform up to her expectations it was somehow because we didn’t love her enough. Everything revolved around her.
When all of my brothers and sisters had left the house, and it was just my mom, dad, and me, I would simply walk out the door whenever he flew into a rage. So he brutally beat my mother, and she finally left him. Except that was bittersweet. He beat us for years as she watched, or even encouraged, the beatings. Yet the moment he beats her, and she walks out.
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:47 here. The main point of my story is that people who get cut off tend to minimize their wrongdoings. And people who are private and do the cutting off don’t always like to air their dirty laundry.

They were emotionally abusive to me and my sister all our lives, but like many abuse victims I tried to be a better daughter and please them so maybe they’d finally love me. They treated my kids like royalty so I never thought they’d be cruel to them like they had been to my sister and me. But then they f’ed with my kid and I realized the only way to break the cycle was to end contact. Fortunately my kids have better parents than I had and they realized immediately how inappropriate the situation was and asked to be removed from it. It took me 40 years.

Dear PP, *virtual hug*. I'd do the same thing in your boat. You are a wonderful parent. I just thought you should know that, as speaking from experience it can sometimes feel wrong when a bunch of people are all constantly asking when you'll reconcile. Keep being a great rock for your kid. They are so lucky you're their parents.

[Anonymous]

Another child of a narcissistic, emotionally abusive parent. I have done the same and done my best to please her and help her all these years. And I wonder why the hell I do it. Especially now that my kids are reaching certain milestones and I realize how horrible it really was to have been raised the way I was and for her to have the expectations she has had of me. I seem destined to be her doormat for life, especially now that she's old and has driven everyone else away. So "ride or die," sure...but frankly it's killing me.

[Anonymous]

My DH and his mom had an unhealthy relationship, and it all stems from her making her son her "little husband" as his therapist calls it. It is apparently a thing she did where she replaced her husband with her son (not sexually but creepy boarderline). Even though he was 12+, she wanted to go on weekly mom-son dates with excessive touching he's said (yes she called them dates and the touching wasn't normal), served as her date to all social occasions (including non-kid friendly events where she brought him anyway like office holiday parties where family wasn't invited...), made him sleep in bed with her and snuggle/spoon in bed with him all night, liked to give him baths as a time to talk, wanted to hold hands in public even when he requested not to, lip kissing, and other stuff that is just creepy. He was 12 when his parents divorced her behavior wasn't normal for a mom-male teen in American in the 90s. She had a breakdown when he left for college as she claimed her son had abandoned her (institutionalized for a bit), and as such his father realized what had been going on and got his son (my DH) mental health help. My FIL wishes he had known what was happening earlier and would have gotten him out, but because of shame my DH just took all the craziness.

My DH had to set boundaries with the help of his therapist. My MIL's family thinks he is a terrible son as they have not been told the truth of what had been going on. My MIL refuses to talk to me as the few times I've seen her she's claimed I stole her man (we met when he was 27 and had long since been in therapy). He sees her every 2-3 years on neutral grounds - aka outside her or our home - for the day as he still loves his mother. His family doesn't want us invited to anything as we're terrible and they blame him and me for everything.

So yeah, just because she birthed him doesn't make us ride or die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This prevalence of casually eliminating your close blood relatives from your life, to me, is pretty disturbing. Again to be clear, I do not mean situations where people have had the unfortunate occurrence of being born into a family with drug addicts or alcoholics or with any form of abuse. I mean normal families made up of normal, every day, well intentioned but inevitably flawed individuals.

These are the mothers who love their children but also pressured them to excel academically, almost to a fault.

These are the fathers who worked hard to provide for their families and as such more time in board rooms and business travel than cheering at every soccer game.

These are the parents who adore their children and are good people but happen to be Republican or support Trump.

These are the Muslim parents who gave up everything to move their family to the U.S for a better life but did not have the cultural knowledge to help their children adjust to a new culture.

These are the dads who work so much that when they come home they might be exhausted and be a little short with their children.

This is the single mom who maybe perhaps treated her kids more like friends than children.

etc etc

So many of these children grow up and viciously cut off their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers claiming "abuse!" and "toxicity."

Of course people are allowed their feelings and opinions. But aren't people who love you supposed to be kind and forgiving of your flaws? Everyone messes up. Everyone has their not-their-best moments. The beauty of family and love is that you can know someone at their worst and still accept them and love them.

Nowadays you are tiptoeing around your loved ones out of the fear that you may accidentally hurt their feelings and never be invited to spend Christmas with them again!

What a crazy thought!

I disagree with this premise completely. If someone is cutting off their family there is more going on than meets the eye either with the family member being cut off or with the person doing the cutting. In no way do I see “so many” children doing this.

[Anonymous]

Aren't families supposed to be your ride or die?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s see… Outwardly we were a normal family. Internally, my dad ruled by the belt. Anything could set off his trigger and we would be severely beaten. My sister wouldn’t get off the phone with her friends, so he broke her arm. My brother was caught watching tv after it was bedtime and my dad slammed his head so hard against the wall it went through the drywall. My mom was psychologically manipulative, if we really loved her we would do this, and whenever we didn’t perform up to her expectations it was somehow because we didn’t love her enough. Everything revolved around her.
When all of my brothers and sisters had left the house, and it was just my mom, dad, and me, I would simply walk out the door whenever he flew into a rage. So he brutally beat my mother, and she finally left him. Except that was bittersweet. He beat us for years as she watched, or even encouraged, the beatings. Yet the moment he beats her, and she walks out.
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

I believe you. Mil has some close friends, and these friends are known to be so sweet and kind. Of their 5 kids, ALL have cut them off. Well I won’t say cut off entirely but very distant.
Mil can’t believe their bad luck. Mil has one child like this (my bil), and she truly didn’t do anything different or wrong with him. So she talks about how you just don’t know when your kids grow up how close they will want to be. It’s true you might have one or two that don’t care to be close...but then she talks about her friends’ bad luck.

I think other stuff must have gone on as they were raising their children. Some kind of physical or emotional abuse hat they hide behind a sweet exterior.

[Anonymous]

"Ride or die" is so stupid. People are not sheep. Good for those who have the courage to break negative cycles.

[Anonymous]

No. Ok thread done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:47 here. The main point of my story is that people who get cut off tend to minimize their wrongdoings. And people who are private and do the cutting off don’t always like to air their dirty laundry.

They were emotionally abusive to me and my sister all our lives, but like many abuse victims I tried to be a better daughter and please them so maybe they’d finally love me. They treated my kids like royalty so I never thought they’d be cruel to them like they had been to my sister and me. But then they f’ed with my kid and I realized the only way to break the cycle was to end contact. Fortunately my kids have better parents than I had and they realized immediately how inappropriate the situation was and asked to be removed from it. It took me 40 years.

Dear PP, *virtual hug*. I'd do the same thing in your boat. You are a wonderful parent. I just thought you should know that, as speaking from experience it can sometimes feel wrong when a bunch of people are all constantly asking when you'll reconcile. Keep being a great rock for your kid. They are so lucky you're their parents.

This is why I decided to go on very limited contact with a family member as well. I wasn't going to continue the cycle of letting an unstable alcoholic create chaos and fear in my child's life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This prevalence of casually eliminating your close blood relatives from your life, to me, is pretty disturbing. Again to be clear, I do not mean situations where people have had the unfortunate occurrence of being born into a family with drug addicts or alcoholics or with any form of abuse. I mean normal families made up of normal, every day, well intentioned but inevitably flawed individuals.

These are the mothers who love their children but also pressured them to excel academically, almost to a fault.

These are the fathers who worked hard to provide for their families and as such more time in board rooms and business travel than cheering at every soccer game.

These are the parents who adore their children and are good people but happen to be Republican or support Trump.

These are the Muslim parents who gave up everything to move their family to the U.S for a better life but did not have the cultural knowledge to help their children adjust to a new culture.

These are the dads who work so much that when they come home they might be exhausted and be a little short with their children.

This is the single mom who maybe perhaps treated her kids more like friends than children.

etc etc

So many of these children grow up and viciously cut off their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers claiming "abuse!" and "toxicity."

Of course people are allowed their feelings and opinions. But aren't people who love you supposed to be kind and forgiving of your flaws? Everyone messes up. Everyone has their not-their-best moments. The beauty of family and love is that you can know someone at their worst and still accept them and love them.

Nowadays you are tiptoeing around your loved ones out of the fear that you may accidentally hurt their feelings and never be invited to spend Christmas with them again!

What a crazy thought!

I agree with you OP.
I also noticed that people who didn't learn how to build relationships with their family usually don't know how to do it with their children. My MIL doesn't talk to her brother or her sister. Each ruined relationship has its own reason. Now she has very bad relationship with all of her children. She doesn't know how to communicate, and just shuts down and stops talking excpecting people come to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s see… Outwardly we were a normal family. Internally, my dad ruled by the belt. Anything could set off his trigger and we would be severely beaten. My sister wouldn’t get off the phone with her friends, so he broke her arm. My brother was caught watching tv after it was bedtime and my dad slammed his head so hard against the wall it went through the drywall. My mom was psychologically manipulative, if we really loved her we would do this, and whenever we didn’t perform up to her expectations it was somehow because we didn’t love her enough. Everything revolved around her.
When all of my brothers and sisters had left the house, and it was just my mom, dad, and me, I would simply walk out the door whenever he flew into a rage. So he brutally beat my mother, and she finally left him. Except that was bittersweet. He beat us for years as she watched, or even encouraged, the beatings. Yet the moment he beats her, and she walks out.
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

My story is similar except my mother never left my dad.