Aren't families supposed to be your ride or die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Of course people are allowed their feelings and opinions. But aren't people who love you supposed to be kind and forgiving of your flaws? Everyone messes up. Everyone has their not-their-best moments. The beauty of family and love is that you can know someone at their worst and still accept them and love them. "

Yes, everyone messes ups. Yes, everyone has flaws.

But when they are repeated and ongoing "messups" that are regularly unkind, routinely disrespectful, and constantly dismissive... that is different. Very few people will become estranged because of one, single isolated mistake. But I've done it if it's an ongoing pattern and the person has not exhibited real remorse or willingness to change. That may not be abuse to you, but it is to others.

And no, family is not my "ride or die." I don't believe in the concept. I believe in treating people how you want to be treated. Hoping that other people want me in their life because of the person that I am, not some genes. I don't believe in some Trump-ism concept of "loyalty" where people stick by you against their values and ethics or treatment - you have to earn the company you keep.

Are you always so perfect that in your whole life with someone you have only messed up once? I was always the perfect kid out of 3. Did everything the "right/traditional way". My sister and brother were complete ****ups growing up (DWI, shop lifting, failing out of college). I messed up once. I had an affair. My husband forgave me and we are back together after some work. We both admitted our wrong doings and are moving forward stronger. My family has disowned me (mom, dad, brother, sister). Just done. All told me that I'm an embarrassment and no longer welcome at family functions. They continue to invite my husband and kids though (who of course do not attend without me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This prevalence of casually eliminating your close blood relatives from your life, to me, is pretty disturbing. Again to be clear, I do not mean situations where people have had the unfortunate occurrence of being born into a family with drug addicts or alcoholics or with any form of abuse.

Do you have any idea how common those circumstances are? They are very common.

[Anonymous]

Sharing from another thread - http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/notes-all-or-nothing.html

[Anonymous]

This PP summed up my position perfectly (I haven't fully cut off anyone in my family, but I have serious boundaries):

"I think in previous generations, it was harder to cut people off, especially if you lived near each other. It’s shocking to people like my mother because she put up with worse abuse from her mother and she stuck around. She’s legitimately a better parent than her mother (it’s a low bar), albeit still abusive, so she doesn’t get why I can’t tolerate what she doles out. It’s her turn to be the matriarch and I’ve taken that away from her, so I must be the irrational one."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sharing from another thread - http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/notes-all-or-nothing.html

This whole site is amazing—thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't families supposed to be your ride or die?

No.

agree. no.

lots of people finally move out from home in their late teens or 20s and finally discover what lunatics one or both of their parents were. the ones that don't, continue the lunacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This prevalence of casually eliminating your close blood relatives from your life, to me, is pretty disturbing. Again to be clear, I do not mean situations where people have had the unfortunate occurrence of being born into a family with drug addicts or alcoholics or with any form of abuse. I mean normal families made up of normal, every day, well intentioned but inevitably flawed individuals.

These are the mothers who love their children but also pressured them to excel academically, almost to a fault.

These are the fathers who worked hard to provide for their families and as such more time in board rooms and business travel than cheering at every soccer game.

These are the parents who adore their children and are good people but happen to be Republican or support Trump.

These are the Muslim parents who gave up everything to move their family to the U.S for a better life but did not have the cultural knowledge to help their children adjust to a new culture.

These are the dads who work so much that when they come home they might be exhausted and be a little short with their children.

This is the single mom who maybe perhaps treated her kids more like friends than children.

etc etc

So many of these children grow up and viciously cut off their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers claiming "abuse!" and "toxicity."

Of course people are allowed their feelings and opinions. But aren't people who love you supposed to be kind and forgiving of your flaws? Everyone messes up. Everyone has their not-their-best moments. The beauty of family and love is that you can know someone at their worst and still accept them and love them.

Nowadays you are tiptoeing around your loved ones out of the fear that you may accidentally hurt their feelings and never be invited to spend Christmas with them again!

What a crazy thought!

I cut my father out of my life because when my mother died very unexpectedly and I was trying to cope with the tragedy he was busy f***ing the neighbors next to mother's ashes. That and the fact that he gave me zero love and support all his life, he mostly cared about himself.

And yes, you have to provide food and shelter for your children. It's not out of goodness of your heart, it's your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Adults are adults and people are their own people and can cut off contact with who they wish. Yes your parents carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you feed you every 3 hours even at night changed your diaper, dealt with your tantrums and misbehavior, worked to provide for you. But they chose to have kids.

[Anonymous]

No

Can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. But you can stay away from them if their trouble or drama!