SIL is being very self centered

[Anonymous]

Apologize for your poor reaction to hearing of her hurt feelings. Then put it in the past. Maybe next time don't push someone to convey thoughts and feeling you would prefer not to hear.

[Anonymous]

You are calling them sil 1 and sil 2, and it sounds like it’s not in birth order....it’s in favorite order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's right, you don't like her as much. I'd just say that you don't spend as much time together but it's nothing to do with preferring SIL1's company etc, just that you're closer with SIL1 at this point and are sorry if her feelings were hurt. Done.

Winner. +100

It wasn't necessary for SIL2 to put you on the spot and make things uncomfortable like that. But since she insisted on labeling the elephant in the room, I think it's better to just acknowledge it head on "well I'm sorry that our giving her a nice gift hurt your feelings. We certainly didn't intend anything other than to celebrate the birthday girl. I guess my sister and I do feel closer with SIL1 because we spend a lot of time together...so you're probably right that we didn't do things the same way as we did for your 30th birthday. But our throwing a party for her and giving her a nice gift was not meant as a negative jab to you or anyone else."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.

Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.

Life isn't fair. But, we are talking about family. Family relationships are filled with emotional pitfalls. If you don't keep things equal, someone will always feel hurt. You may not want to accept that or even care about it. Fine. But your relationships with these people with nonetheless be affected.

That stupid nonsense about getting what you get and don't get upset is what we tell kids to keep the whining down, but its not really true. I highly doubt you walk through your adult life passively accepting whatever the universe sends your way. I mean, if your coworker makes 30K more than you for the same job, do you just get what you get and not get upset? Right, no.

Life must be exhausting trying to keep things fair. I’m the pp wth the two really close SILs. They vacation together and do all kinds of stuff together that I am not able to. No, I don’t keep score. Family relationships and circumstances are so different. It would be impossible to keep everything fair.
Is OP now responsible to have a 30th birthday party for every family member lest someone feel left out? That’s absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of surprised by the hate here for OP. I think your response was harsh, but you were probably also put on the defensive. I’m on team OP. SIL2 brought it up and it’s out of line.
Did SIL2 help plan SIL1’s party? Have you turned a milestone birthday yet and what did SIL2 do for it?
I have two SILs that are very close. They grew up in the same home town and were in school from elementary to high school together. They live a couple hours apart. On the other hand, I grew up in a different state and live a plane ride away now. They are super close. It is what it is. Unless she’s tried to be friends and not been accepted, she needs to get over it. She can’t have a reasonable expectation of being as close if she turns down or does not extend invitations. That’s friendships 101.

SIL2 brought it up quietly, and it seems, in private. In a family, among people who are supposed to be kind and care about eachother, that's allowed. You don't even have to agree about every element of what did or didn't happen, but you get to bring stuff up.

OP could have said "I'm sorry we hurt your feelings - that wasn't our intent. If feeling excluded is the issue, let's talk about how to fix that because it sn't our intent."

Instead she threw a tanty.

Please never use “tanty” again.

Tanty droppers

[Anonymous]

She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.

Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.

Life isn't fair. But, we are talking about family. Family relationships are filled with emotional pitfalls. If you don't keep things equal, someone will always feel hurt. You may not want to accept that or even care about it. Fine. But your relationships with these people with nonetheless be affected.

That stupid nonsense about getting what you get and don't get upset is what we tell kids to keep the whining down, but its not really true. I highly doubt you walk through your adult life passively accepting whatever the universe sends your way. I mean, if your coworker makes 30K more than you for the same job, do you just get what you get and not get upset? Right, no.

My MIL has this same sense of everything must be fair. As in she counts how many days we spend with my parents and counts how many days we spend with her. If she would just focus on herself and enjoy the days she is getting to spend with us, instead of ruining those because she is busy perseverating on the fact we spent two more days with my parents three years ago, she would be a much happier person. End result? We don't enjoy spending time with her and just don't tell her if we do something with my parents. It is an impossible expectation that everything be kept completely fair in families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.

I'm introverted. I honestly wouldn't want a big party. My ideal night would be a special diner out with my husband because I'm an introvert. HOWEVER, I would not begrudge someone else having a large party. It has nothing to do with me. SIL2 was not just disregarded or treated callously. She had a party too!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.

I'm introverted. I honestly wouldn't want a big party. My ideal night would be a special diner out with my husband because I'm an introvert. HOWEVER, I would not begrudge someone else having a large party. It has nothing to do with me. SIL2 was not just disregarded or treated callously. She had a party too!!

That is all good for you. But you are not her SIL2. People are different. In wise words of dcum, OP's feeling are valid because she has them, SIL2 feeling are valid because she has them. She can't help it. OP now knows that SIL2 feels the odd one out, right? OP's title is misleading, SIL is not self centered, SIL was feeling hurt. All valid emotions. And the whole post is so crazy that I can just imagine how over the top with self pat on the back OP is. I mean almost whole page about how she organized, made it perfect, choose the right gift made a big hoopla for SIL1. All can be summed in, we made a huge party for one SIL got her a great present, and my other SIL was hurt because her party and present were not as nice. Also, why start with SIL2 is not social, not this, not that, apart from SIL 2 not being that social, it seems that she is a nice person who was hurt. She was, but she is not self centered, she just told OP how she feels and OP attacked her for it. Why? Why not say, "I am so sorry you feel this way, I can see where you are coming from. I wasn't in charge of your party and I can see your point."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.

I'm introverted. I honestly wouldn't want a big party. My ideal night would be a special diner out with my husband because I'm an introvert. HOWEVER, I would not begrudge someone else having a large party. It has nothing to do with me. SIL2 was not just disregarded or treated callously. She had a party too!!

Right. And had op handled the situation with any grace, we could all sit here and tut-tut over SIL2's pettiness. Instead, op attacked her, called her self-centered and told her to grow up. I agree sil2 was probably off-base, but op reacted horribly and clearly has no business telling anyone else to "grow up". She should apologize to SIL2 immediately, and work on rebuilding the relationship with as much humility as she can muster up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.

I'm introverted. I honestly wouldn't want a big party. My ideal night would be a special diner out with my husband because I'm an introvert. HOWEVER, I would not begrudge someone else having a large party. It has nothing to do with me. SIL2 was not just disregarded or treated callously. She had a party too!!

Right. And had op handled the situation with any grace, we could all sit here and tut-tut over SIL2's pettiness. Instead, op attacked her, called her self-centered and told her to grow up. I agree sil2 was probably off-base, but op reacted horribly and clearly has no business telling anyone else to "grow up". She should apologize to SIL2 immediately, and work on rebuilding the relationship with as much humility as she can muster up.

+1

OP - SIL2 needs to understand that she isn't nurturing the relationship like SIL1 is. You could have told her that, instead of telling her to grow up. This is hard because this isn't like this is just a friend that you did this for, but a family member. So there is an extra layer of complexity.

At 30, it's hard to understand the difference in treatment. At 40, I completely get this. I'm the introverted friend who shows up to 10% of events - I can't expect to be treated the same as people who are more nurturing of relationships, and your SIL needs to understand that.

You still owe her an apology, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.

I'm introverted. I honestly wouldn't want a big party. My ideal night would be a special diner out with my husband because I'm an introvert. HOWEVER, I would not begrudge someone else having a large party. It has nothing to do with me. SIL2 was not just disregarded or treated callously. She had a party too!!

That is all good for you. But you are not her SIL2. People are different. In wise words of dcum, OP's feeling are valid because she has them, SIL2 feeling are valid because she has them. She can't help it. OP now knows that SIL2 feels the odd one out, right? OP's title is misleading, SIL is not self centered, SIL was feeling hurt. All valid emotions. And the whole post is so crazy that I can just imagine how over the top with self pat on the back OP is. I mean almost whole page about how she organized, made it perfect, choose the right gift made a big hoopla for SIL1. All can be summed in, we made a huge party for one SIL got her a great present, and my other SIL was hurt because her party and present were not as nice. Also, why start with SIL2 is not social, not this, not that, apart from SIL 2 not being that social, it seems that she is a nice person who was hurt. She was, but she is not self centered, she just told OP how she feels and OP attacked her for it. Why? Why not say, "I am so sorry you feel this way, I can see where you are coming from. I wasn't in charge of your party and I can see your point."

I was responding to the post that said “anyone” would be hurt by it. I don’t think that’s universal or true. SIL2 is sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Did you know her when she turned 30? Did you do anything special for her?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She is right. If I were her I wouldn't have said anything, but here on Dcum we are always advised to tell it like it is. It is clear that she tried to keep her mouth shut, but was too hurt and couldn't keep it to herself. Just because SIL 2 might be shy and introverted doesn't mean you should be callous towards her. Plus, who plans all out parties for 30th birthday? Anyone would get their feelings hurt towards such favoritism,the fact that she actually said something should show you how unfair that whole thing was and introverted people still have emotions.[/quote]
I'm introverted. I honestly wouldn't want a big party. My ideal night would be a special diner out with my husband because I'm an introvert. HOWEVER, I would not begrudge someone else having a large party. It has nothing to do with me. SIL2 was not just disregarded or treated callously. She had a party too!! [/quote]

That is all good for you. But you are not her SIL2. People are different. In wise words of dcum, OP's feeling are valid because she has them, SIL2 feeling are valid because she has them. She can't help it. OP now knows that SIL2 feels the odd one out, right? OP's title is misleading, SIL is not self centered, SIL was feeling hurt. All valid emotions. And the whole post is so crazy that I can just imagine how over the top with self pat on the back OP is. I mean almost whole page about how she organized, made it perfect, choose the right gift made a big hoopla for SIL1. All can be summed in, we made a huge party for one SIL got her a great present, and my other SIL was hurt because her party and present were not as nice. Also, why start with SIL2 is not social, not this, not that, apart from SIL 2 not being that social, it seems that she is a nice person who was hurt. She was, but she is not self centered, she just told OP how she feels and OP attacked her for it. Why? Why not say, "I am so sorry you feel this way, I can see where you are coming from. I wasn't in charge of your party and I can see your point."[/quote]
I’m hurt because I didn’t win the lotto. That’s my feeling so it’s valid? I guess. It’s not reasonable for SIL2 to be feeling this way IMO. The social part is very pertinent. Do you feel it reasonable to spend little time socializing with someone and then expect them to throw you a party? Relationships are like much else - you get out what you put in. SIL2 should realize she’s not putting effort in so she doesn’t get the reward (party). I would agree it’s selfish of SIL2 to make this an issue about her, and she was wrong to bring it up in the first place.
From my perspective, OP did nothing wrong except for her reaction which I believe she admitted was harsh. They both need to apologize - op for her response and SIL2 for being a whiny brat.

[Anonymous]

You prefer the sister in law who is really intonmake up. That says a lot about the both of you. How shallow can you be?