SIL is being very self centered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The party and the present are separate things. If someone else plans a lame party, you can still give her an amazing gift.

Yep, this is what I was thinking. She wasn’t complaining about the party but rather the expensive gifts. Besides, who gives other adults presents publicly anyway? Why were they opened and fawned over like that in front of everyone? It all just reeks of immaturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told her she wasn't the center of the universe and that she needed to "grow up". She was feeling hurt and instead of apologizing or exploring her feelings, you doubled down and escalated the whole thing. At this point, you absolutely owe her an apology, and you may want to reflect on your own poor behaviour and lack of maturity.

This. OP, the fact that you responded to SIL2 in the way that you did says a lot about you and your true feelings toward her. You sound like a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

By the way, what did you get SIL2 for her 30th birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.

Ummm...someone else planned SIL2’s party. Op was not involved in that one. If the planner had a great idea about the perfect gift(s) for that SIL and had asked everyone if they’d be willing to contribute, I’m sure OP would have. It’s ridiculous to put this on OP.

Ha, ok OP.

Not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way, what did you get SIL2 for her 30th birthday?

+1 op you need to fess up to this. The fact that you didn’t add that into your first post leads me to believe it’s in line with a movie gift card or a sweater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way, what did you get SIL2 for her 30th birthday?

Yes, I’m curious too. Also, the make up, etc. for SIL1 sounds like it was a group effort. Op just came up with the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On Sunday my brother and other SIL2 came over. My husband and brother were playing games in the other room. We started talking about SIL1 bday party and SIL2 says that it was a very nice party and she could tell we put some thought into the presents. I said we wanted her party to be special. She then said something that shocked me. She said that my sister and I did not go all out for her 30th bday party and that does not surprise her. I'm like your husband and sister planned your party. I'm like if you have something to say just say it. SIL2 said she was not going to make an issue of it but my sister and I put way more thought into SIL1's presents than we do hers. She then referenced one of the high end makeup palettes we got for SIL1 and she said we would never get her anything like that. She said the whole room could tell who the favorite SIL was. This upset me. I told her she was not the center of the universe and to grow up. I went upstairs. My brother texted me and asked for "my side". I told him his wife was out of line and needed to get over her jealousy.

So basically what happened was that your SIL came over, and in a conversation about the party that was just you and her, she mentiond that it was a nice party and remarked that you didn't plan a similarly nice party for her birthday. She mentioned that you and your sister prioritize presents for your other SIL and gave an example. Your response to her raising this concern with you directly and privately was to essentially flip out, insult her, and stomp out, and then again to insult her via her husband.

What did you get your other SIL? Why did you react so explosively to a person privately expressing that they were hurt by your actions? It's not like she called you out in front of everyone.

[Anonymous]

I don’t even buy my SIL birthday presents and I doubt she even knows when my birthday is. I don’t care.

OP, you blatantly prefer one SIL over the other and then act shocked when SIL points it out, and shut her down.

It’s clear her feelings aren’t valid to you, I think you get a rise out of hurting her and throwing things in her face. You need to be the right one in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

I got SIL2 $100 gift card to Nordstrom. There was no scrimping. I got SIL1 the Natasha Denona Lila palette which was around $120ish. That is not a big difference. SIL2 seems to harp on the thought and time we put into the party/gifts. I just think it was so uncalled for. It was pointed out she complained in private and I can see now I should have responded better.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to step back and see how obnoxious you are to your SIL2. Just from your first post, this is what I read:

you two were talking privately. She said she could tell we put some thought into the presents. She didn't yell, argue or anything. Your response?
"We wanted her party to be special" meaning - you're letting SIL2 know that SIL1 is getting the extra special treatment.
She said you didn't go all out for her 30th. Your response? "your DH and sister planned it. If you have something to say, just say it." That sentence right there is aggressive, antagonistic and setting the other person up for a fight.

Then, the kicker: SIL2 even goes so far as to say she doesn't want to make an issue of it, (but probably since you demanded she "just say it') she mentions the great gifts and how you'd never do the same for her and it's clear she's the favorite.

Let's not forget she specifically said she doesn't want to make an issue of it. What do you do?

You told her she was not the center of the universe and to grow up. stomp off and tell her husband that SHE is out of line and needed to get over her jealousy.


You seriously need to apologize to your SIL2. Big time.

Maybe acknowledge that you're closer to the other SIL and that you are sorry that it was hurtful for her to see that. But WTH, OP. You're mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got SIL2 $100 gift card to Nordstrom. There was no scrimping. I got SIL1 the Natasha Denona Lila palette which was around $120ish. That is not a big difference. SIL2 seems to harp on the thought and time we put into the party/gifts. I just think it was so uncalled for. It was pointed out she complained in private and I can see now I should have responded better.

There is a big difference between a gift card and a personalized gift. I can see why she felt slighted. Even if the dollar amount was more or less the same, you put thought and effort into your gift for your other SIL. You took the time to know her and her interests well enough to choose a present that was both tailored to those interests and something that she would not get for herself. Buying a gift card does not show that kind of consideration.

Maybe it is understandable because you do not know your other SIL well enough to choose a similarly personal and thoughtful gift, but your reaction to her (again) private criticism definitely portrays you as someone who doesn't really care about her. That's why she is "harping" on the thought and time of the party - it's not about the stuff or the event. It's about her feeling that you don't care about her as much as this other woman.

If you want to repair this relationship, you need to apologize. Deeply and sincerely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got SIL2 $100 gift card to Nordstrom. There was no scrimping. I got SIL1 the Natasha Denona Lila palette which was around $120ish. That is not a big difference. SIL2 seems to harp on the thought and time we put into the party/gifts. I just think it was so uncalled for. It was pointed out she complained in private and I can see now I should have responded better.

So, she shouldn't "HARP" on the time and thought you put into the gift, but you're allowed to "HARP" about her feelings (and complain about it on an anonymous forum). Yeah, okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL2 seems to harp on the thought and time we put into the party/gifts. I just think it was so uncalled for.

You think it was uncalled for because SIL2 was right, and she called you out on it. A gift card requires zero effort, while you clearly relished getting SIL1 just what you thought she would love. (We know this, because you bragged to us about it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told her she wasn't the center of the universe and that she needed to "grow up". She was feeling hurt and instead of apologizing or exploring her feelings, you doubled down and escalated the whole thing. At this point, you absolutely owe her an apology, and you may want to reflect on your own poor behaviour and lack of maturity.

This. Apologize. "I'm so sorry that you've been feeling this way. I know SIL1 and I have always really clicked and I can see how that'd be hard for you. I want you to feel included as well, but I can't lie, I'm caught a bit off guard by this. I wish I'd known you were feeling left out before."

[Anonymous]

SIL2 is mad that her sister didn’t plan her a fabulous 30th BD. But it sounds like SIL2 didn’t plan SIL1 a fabulous party. This is between those two sisters, not you.

If SIL2 wants to have a closer relationship with you, she needs to accept an invitation once and a while. If she turns down all of your invitations, have you considered asking her why? Do you ever ask her what she would like to do? Do you and SIL1 have something in common that excludes SIL2 - like you both have kids, both are home to meet up during the day on weekends, have similar hobbies?