SIL is being very self centered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You prefer the sister in law who is really intonmake up. That says a lot about the both of you. How shallow can you be?

No - she prefers the social sister, who doesn't turn down 90% of invitations. That is important to the discussion. You can't turn down most invites, and then be mad that people are are nurturing a relationship are closer. Life doesn't work that way.

My hunch is they only invite her to things they know she doesn't enjoy, or only as a group.

It is true that there's no sense in being upset with people who naturally have things in common for becoming close. It is also unkind not to meet people part way.

Or that she always felt like a 3rd wheel when they would all go out so she figured why bother?

[Anonymous]

I see both sides of this.

SIL2 does seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill. Grownups know that some people are closer than others. But merited or not, it appears that it was something bothering her and she tried to address it, fairly calmly and privately. OP's reaction was very unkind. She didn't need to agree, but, handled the right way, this could have been a chance to improve relay with SIL2. Seems like she's regretting not being more social and was (somewhat awkwardly) reaching out to try to clear the air. Or not. Either way, an "we certainly didn't intend for you to interpret things that way. We love you and value you. Had your husband and sister not thrown you a party of course we would have!" would have been a much better response.

I guess I come down on the side of they both overreacted, but OP's overreaction was worse because it was sinply mean and juvenile. So I say OP owes the apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL2 may very well be the mean girl here. Who compares their gifts years and parties that were held years apart? SIL2 may very well have been poking a stick into the hornets’ nest simply to cause trouble. It seems that’s how OP felt about it.

OP did end the interaction poorly, but I think OP was also hurt and frustrated by then. Offer an apology if you feel SIL2 was genuinely hurt or to keep the peace.

In the future OP, don’t give SIL2 any details of interactions with others. Should've just told her the party was nice and changed the subject. Only talk about the weather and positive things about SIL2’s family.

eh. Did you read "plausible" scenario in previous post? SIL2 could have been complaining about her SIL to her DH for years.

We really don’t know much about SIL2. Most people are assuming the best about her. I don’t think OP was intentionally trying to hurt her SIL2 in any way when discussing the party, but it obviously upset SIL2. We don’t know how old OP was at the time of SIL2’s party, but who would expect that a younger 20-something, perhaps still in college and without the means at the time, would hold the greatest birthday bash ever and give the best gift ever for a 30-year old’s birthday. SIL2 may be holding OP responsible for how all of her inlaws have treated her. If anyone is to blame here, MIL, FIL and her own DH are the ones that should shoulder it — they could’ve stepped up to host a party for SIL2 if it meant so much to her at the time. As the older of the two, I think SIL2 should’ve known better than to dump all her hurt feelings on her younger SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.

Ummm...someone else planned SIL2’s party. Op was not involved in that one. If the planner had a great idea about the perfect gift(s) for that SIL and had asked everyone if they’d be willing to contribute, I’m sure OP would have. It’s ridiculous to put this on OP.

Not about the party but the gift. No reason the thought and effort couldn't be equal- doesn't matter who hosts the party.

[Anonymous]

I'm just curious about the relationship with SIL2 prior to the party. You say she turns down invites, but why? Does she have kids and you don't so it's hard for her to get out? Does she work long hours? Does she live further away? Do you have very different interests? Does she feel like a 3rd wheel with you and SIL1? Is she just more introverted? How often are these invites? How often do you see her? Etc...

Clearly there was an explosion of emotion here. If she was feeling hurt and left out, she could have been more direct in bringing it up. OP could have responded much better regardless of how it was brought up. And certainly, no one needed to make a DCUM thread over this. But without the backstory, it's impossible to determine if either person was justified in their feelings towards the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.

Ummm...someone else planned SIL2’s party. Op was not involved in that one. If the planner had a great idea about the perfect gift(s) for that SIL and had asked everyone if they’d be willing to contribute, I’m sure OP would have. It’s ridiculous to put this on OP.

Not about the party but the gift. No reason the thought and effort couldn't be equal- doesn't matter who hosts the party.

DP. On page 2, comment 14:48, OP wrote:
I got SIL2 $100 gift card to Nordstrom. There was no scrimping. I got SIL1 the Natasha Denona Lila palette which was around $120ish

Seems to me SIL2 is being petty. With her gift card, she could’ve bought exactly the makeup she wanted at Nordstrom. Maybe the Natasha Denona Lila palette wasn’t even created then. I don’t see why she’s making such a big deal over the gift now, except to stir up trouble.

[Anonymous]

So, you purposefully planned a party that was better than hers. Ypu were at hers right? So you knew what you were doing. You went out of your way to make sure you got extra special gifts.


When she pointed it out, instead of saying you are sorry she feels bad, or explain that you were not asked to help with her party, or sorry we did not try to make you feel slighted, you told her that you do not care about her at all.

And you wonder why she often declines invites?

[Anonymous]

Looks like SIL2 found the thread.

Purposefully planned a better party? Really? OP planned a party that she thought SIL1 would enjoy, not one to take a dig at SIL2 with. SIL2’s family planned the party for SIL2, so why is she upset with OP? Is no one in the entire family allowed to plan anything different from what SIL2 got? This is truly ridiculous.

And SIL2 has a history of declining family events since *before* her party. Which doesn’t allow family members to get to know her better.

OP was right. SIL2 needs to grow up. What a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like SIL2 found the thread.

Purposefully planned a better party? Really? OP planned a party that she thought SIL1 would enjoy, not one to take a dig at SIL2 with. SIL2’s family planned the party for SIL2, so why is she upset with OP? Is no one in the entire family allowed to plan anything different from what SIL2 got? This is truly ridiculous.

And SIL2 has a history of declining family events since *before* her party. Which doesn’t allow family members to get to know her better.

OP was right. SIL2 needs to grow up. What a drama queen.

OP, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like SIL2 found the thread.

Purposefully planned a better party? Really? OP planned a party that she thought SIL1 would enjoy, not one to take a dig at SIL2 with. SIL2’s family planned the party for SIL2, so why is she upset with OP? Is no one in the entire family allowed to plan anything different from what SIL2 got? This is truly ridiculous.

And SIL2 has a history of declining family events since *before* her party. Which doesn’t allow family members to get to know her better.

OP was right. SIL2 needs to grow up. What a drama queen.

OP, is that you?

No, a DP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like SIL2 found the thread.

Purposefully planned a better party? Really? OP planned a party that she thought SIL1 would enjoy, not one to take a dig at SIL2 with. SIL2’s family planned the party for SIL2, so why is she upset with OP? Is no one in the entire family allowed to plan anything different from what SIL2 got? This is truly ridiculous.

And SIL2 has a history of declining family events since *before* her party. Which doesn’t allow family members to get to know her better.

OP was right. SIL2 needs to grow up. What a drama queen.

OP, is that you?

No, a DP.

^And I don’t know either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see both sides of this.

SIL2 does seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill. Grownups know that some people are closer than others. But merited or not, it appears that it was something bothering her and she tried to address it, fairly calmly and privately. OP's reaction was very unkind. She didn't need to agree, but, handled the right way, this could have been a chance to improve relay with SIL2. Seems like she's regretting not being more social and was (somewhat awkwardly) reaching out to try to clear the air. Or not. Either way, an "we certainly didn't intend for you to interpret things that way. We love you and value you. Had your husband and sister not thrown you a party of course we would have!" would have been a much better response.

I guess I come down on the side of they both overreacted, but OP's overreaction was worse because it was sinply mean and juvenile. So I say OP owes the apology.

This. SIL2 confessed to having hurt feelings in private, without calling names or insulting anyone. OP's response was aggressive and over-the-top. You don't have to think that SIL2 is right to think that OP reacted very poorly and immaturely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you purposefully planned a party that was better than hers. Ypu were at hers right? So you knew what you were doing. You went out of your way to make sure you got extra special gifts.

When she pointed it out, instead of saying you are sorry she feels bad, or explain that you were not asked to help with her party, or sorry we did not try to make you feel slighted, you told her that you do not care about her at all.

And you wonder why she often declines invites?

I disagree with the first paragraph, but the second is spot on.