SIL is being very self centered

[Anonymous]

I would have said nothing and, maybe, even apologized right there, but I would have totally cut off SIL2 from my life. Sensitive scorekeepers are very unpleasant and self-centered and don't make good friends. I would still apologize to keep the peace, but plan to have as little interaction with her as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You prefer the sister in law who is really intonmake up. That says a lot about the both of you. How shallow can you be?

No - she prefers the social sister, who doesn't turn down 90% of invitations. That is important to the discussion. You can't turn down most invites, and then be mad that people are are nurturing a relationship are closer. Life doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.

Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.

Life isn't fair. But, we are talking about family. Family relationships are filled with emotional pitfalls. If you don't keep things equal, someone will always feel hurt. You may not want to accept that or even care about it. Fine. But your relationships with these people with nonetheless be affected.

That stupid nonsense about getting what you get and don't get upset is what we tell kids to keep the whining down, but its not really true. I highly doubt you walk through your adult life passively accepting whatever the universe sends your way. I mean, if your coworker makes 30K more than you for the same job, do you just get what you get and not get upset? Right, no.

My MIL has this same sense of everything must be fair. As in she counts how many days we spend with my parents and counts how many days we spend with her. If she would just focus on herself and enjoy the days she is getting to spend with us, instead of ruining those because she is busy perseverating on the fact we spent two more days with my parents three years ago, she would be a much happier person. End result? We don't enjoy spending time with her and just don't tell her if we do something with my parents. It is an impossible expectation that everything be kept completely fair in families.

Why would you tell your mother in law how many days you spent with your parents?

Complaining about 2 or 3 days is petty and ridiculous. However, if you always vacation with your parents and spend an odd day here or there with mother in law, that would be unfair.


My mother in law's sense of fairness is that DH and I live close with our DCs. She will see us maybe once every other month for 1 to 2 hours at a time. DH's brother lives far away so she will travel to them and spend 2 to 6 weeks 2 to 3 times a year. She feels its fair because she technically sees our kids 6 times a year for a gand total of 6 to 12 hours but only sees them half as many times though for the equivalent of 2 months. She will also spends most major holidays with them because BILs kids have no local grandparents to spend holidays with but my kids other grandparent lives nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told her she wasn't the center of the universe and that she needed to "grow up". She was feeling hurt and instead of apologizing or exploring her feelings, you doubled down and escalated the whole thing. At this point, you absolutely owe her an apology, and you may want to reflect on your own poor behaviour and lack of maturity.

+1 SIL handled her hurt feelings poorly but you responded in an equally immature manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have brought it up in the first place, but you reacted poorly (You told her that she's not the center of the universe and walked away? Really?). Apologize and be cognizant of the fact that she's sensitive to these types of things going forward.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You prefer the sister in law who is really intonmake up. That says a lot about the both of you. How shallow can you be?

No - she prefers the social sister, who doesn't turn down 90% of invitations. That is important to the discussion. You can't turn down most invites, and then be mad that people are are nurturing a relationship are closer. Life doesn't work that way.

It is important to nurture relationships but that goes both ways. Maybe the invitations were all to do things SIL2 doesn't like, and maybe they invite her knowing she won't go, and don't ever bother doing anything that she does enjoy. I have two SIL's that are very similar to this, and they prefer each other's company in a really blatant way and buy each other gifts and shower attention on each other like this - to the point of exclusion and mean girl bullying. I've tried to get to know them and go out with them, but I don't like shopping for makeup, clothes, etc. I've tried inviting them to do other things we can all enjoy and they refuse 100%. If it's not what they prefer they have no interest - even if it is just siting around the table, they have to control the conversation and talk about things they like. They expect me to make all the compromises. And they publicly mock me for what is just a difference in personality. They really are the self-centered ones and I feel for SIL2. I suspect there's a lot of similar behavior going on in OP's situation and it is miserable and childish. OP, learn to appreciate your SIL for who she is. She may be different, but try to find things you all can do together. The entire family will be happier for a little compassion. In my case, I don't talk to my brothers or SILs anymore because I can't accept that BS behavior, so consider that outcome if you continue on this path.

[Anonymous]

Wow - it’s like your own personal mean girl high school drama playing in an infinite loop in your family.
When does it end?
I hope SIL2 and her family move far away from you ridiculous people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have brought it up in the first place, but you reacted poorly (You told her that she's not the center of the universe and walked away? Really?). Apologize and be cognizant of the fact that she's sensitive to these types of things going forward.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Side note: when your sil says something to you, don't respond with "if you have something to say, just say it." Because there's no way to interpret that, other than that you're being aggressive. Besides, yeah, she had something to say, and she already said it.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if there's not a huge backstory with SIL2. Not with OP, but maybe with OP's brother. Maybe SIL2 continuously complains to her DH about his sister (op) and that how his family likes SIL1 much better - that they leave SIL2 out, that SIL2 probably feels like a 3rd wheel every time they go out and that's why she doesn't go.

I bet OP's brother (SIL2's DH) told his wife that she's imagining it, that she is liked equally by his family and that she is crazy for thinking that. And maybe even went on to say that if she had a problem with his family, that she needs to talk to his sister directly and straighten it out.

Then the party happens. SIL2 sees this as a very clear indicator that she was right and that her DH was wrong. She says something to her DH (probably during the party or right after) like, "see? Now do you believe me? your sister throws Larla this great party and did you see the gift? you could tell she put a lot of thought into it. For me? A gift card." Her Dh probably told her to talk to his sister about it if her feelings are hurt. Her DH probably thought that his sister was doing it unintentionally and would listen to his wife and it would all be straightened out.

So, that's what SIL2 did. And BAM!!!!!!! Sh!t hit the fan when SIL2 pulled Op aside to quietly discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if there's not a huge backstory with SIL2. Not with OP, but maybe with OP's brother. Maybe SIL2 continuously complains to her DH about his sister (op) and that how his family likes SIL1 much better - that they leave SIL2 out, that SIL2 probably feels like a 3rd wheel every time they go out and that's why she doesn't go.

I bet OP's brother (SIL2's DH) told his wife that she's imagining it, that she is liked equally by his family and that she is crazy for thinking that. And maybe even went on to say that if she had a problem with his family, that she needs to talk to his sister directly and straighten it out.

Then the party happens. SIL2 sees this as a very clear indicator that she was right and that her DH was wrong. She says something to her DH (probably during the party or right after) like, "see? Now do you believe me? your sister throws Larla this great party and did you see the gift? you could tell she put a lot of thought into it. For me? A gift card." Her Dh probably told her to talk to his sister about it if her feelings are hurt. Her DH probably thought that his sister was doing it unintentionally and would listen to his wife and it would all be straightened out.

So, that's what SIL2 did. And BAM!!!!!!! Sh!t hit the fan when SIL2 pulled Op aside to quietly discuss it.

That's a plausible scenario. Regardless of the backstory, I think OP acted poorly. SIL2 told her privately and discretely that she felt hurt by the disparity. OP made it a thing. Too big a thing.

[Anonymous]

Who on earth acts like OP in real life? HS teens? SIL2 said it was a nice party and some thought went into it, and from there on OP prodded her with, "If you are going to say something just say it," and when SIL 2 told her, OP said, " you are not the center of the universe and grow up," and then she went on to tell her brother how his wife was out of line. Is life Gilmore Girls, or some other teen drama? Rather ridiculous OP telling her SIL to grow up and that she is not the center of the universe when OP acted more immature than her SIL2.

[Anonymous]

SIL2 may very well be the mean girl here. Who compares their gifts years and parties that were held years apart? SIL2 may very well have been poking a stick into the hornets’ nest simply to cause trouble. It seems that’s how OP felt about it.

OP did end the interaction poorly, but I think OP was also hurt and frustrated by then. Offer an apology if you feel SIL2 was genuinely hurt or to keep the peace.

In the future OP, don’t give SIL2 any details of interactions with others. Should've just told her the party was nice and changed the subject. Only talk about the weather and positive things about SIL2’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You prefer the sister in law who is really intonmake up. That says a lot about the both of you. How shallow can you be?

No - she prefers the social sister, who doesn't turn down 90% of invitations. That is important to the discussion. You can't turn down most invites, and then be mad that people are are nurturing a relationship are closer. Life doesn't work that way.

My hunch is they only invite her to things they know she doesn't enjoy, or only as a group.

It is true that there's no sense in being upset with people who naturally have things in common for becoming close. It is also unkind not to meet people part way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL2 may very well be the mean girl here. Who compares their gifts years and parties that were held years apart? SIL2 may very well have been poking a stick into the hornets’ nest simply to cause trouble. It seems that’s how OP felt about it.

OP did end the interaction poorly, but I think OP was also hurt and frustrated by then. Offer an apology if you feel SIL2 was genuinely hurt or to keep the peace.

In the future OP, don’t give SIL2 any details of interactions with others. Should've just told her the party was nice and changed the subject. Only talk about the weather and positive things about SIL2’s family.

eh. Did you read "plausible" scenario in previous post? SIL2 could have been complaining about her SIL to her DH for years.