How much free time is reasonable per day in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure OP would be fine if he gave up his six figure job for a $60K job so he can spend more time with his child.

Isn’t that right, OP?

I’m not sure what women expect sometimes. Someone with high paying career is going to work long hours and be stressed out. If you want a man who spends more time with his kids, then obviously don’t marry an ambitious attorney. Marry the guy with the steady job and modest salary.

But go ahead and take the usual toxic DCUM advice to “divorce him.” I’m the sure the alimony will be terrific. Congratulations.

You're the first person to mention divorce

[Anonymous]

OP,
What time exactly does DH get home in the evenings?
What is your typical household evening routine?

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaning person once a week and hire a date night sitter once a week or every 2 weeks. You resent him wanting free time because you don't have any. So free up a few hours in the week by outsourcing your cleaning. And 9pm is too late for a 4yo unless he is napping? He should be in bed, lights out by 8.

[Anonymous]

Two hours of free time a day??? That's insane. If he wants that extra time by himself, every day, he should get up two hours earlier to take it.

Nobody who has a spouse, a job, and a small kid is going to get two hours a day unless they carve that time at the edges of the day after the child is asleep or before she awakens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning person once a week and hire a date night sitter once a week or every 2 weeks. You resent him wanting free time because you don't have any. So free up a few hours in the week by outsourcing your cleaning. And 9pm is too late for a 4yo unless he is napping? He should be in bed, lights out by 8.

OP has said multiple times that free time for herself is not the issue. Her free time is 9pm-1am, which she purposely carves out for herself.

[Anonymous]

Your husband isn’t a dummy. Let him figure out how to get more time with DC. Your job is to establish boundaries around what you will and won’t do to meet him halfway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two hours of free time a day??? That's insane. If he wants that extra time by himself, every day, he should get up two hours earlier to take it.

Nobody who has a spouse, a job, and a small kid is going to get two hours a day unless they carve that time at the edges of the day after the child is asleep or before she awakens.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two hours of free time a day??? That's insane. If he wants that extra time by himself, every day, he should get up two hours earlier to take it.

Nobody who has a spouse, a job, and a small kid is going to get two hours a day unless they carve that time at the edges of the day after the child is asleep or before she awakens.

+100

Yeah, his commute is his free time.

[Anonymous]

My kids, 4 amd2, go to bed at 7. I have 2-3 free hours a night and so does my husband. But it sounds like this would not work because your husband gets home late and needs to spend time with DC. It does sound like options are limited, unless your DH takes the initiative to change up his schedule a bit. I don’t see what you can do for your end unless you put kid to bed earlier.

[Anonymous]

OP, the thing is that your husband actually has a lot of free time. He has just already chosen what he occupies that time with. He has a sports hobby that he spends several hours on per week - that is free time that he is choosing to occupy with this sport. He does yard work - that is free time that he is occupying with something he could pay someone else to do if he chose to. He works out at the gym - that is free time that he is choosing to occupy with this activity.

Additionally, you say that he spends "2-3 hours per day with DC except when he's working." When is that, exactly? A 70-hour work week is potentially 7 10-hour days, 5.5 12-hour days, etc. It sounds to me like your husband is spending a couple hours with his son on Saturday and a couple hours on Sunday and complaining that he still doesn't have enough free time and that the child should go to bed earlier so that he can relax without responsibilities or interruptions in the evening.

I am not sure where he got this expectation, but it is completely out of alignment with what his life is like at this time. Did he want to have a child? Because it sounds like what he wants is a child he can see for a couple hours and who then disappears completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

You need to outsource more when DH is at work so you get alone time during the day and don't need it at night. You will find more reliable workers if you pay them and have a set schedule. You need to let go of wanting to do it all by yourself. Make the "date" coffee hour a habit 2x a week when DC is in preschool/school. Then shift your schedule to be closer to DH's- you will have to do this for school soon anyway. I agree with an 8pm bedtime. And you can go to bed earlier to be able to be up earlier. That way DH get some time after 8:00pm.

4 is old enough for your child to help DH with his weekend chores. Any child can learn how to weed the garden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

You need to outsource more when DH is at work so you get alone time during the day and don't need it at night. You will find more reliable workers if you pay them and have a set schedule. You need to let go of wanting to do it all by yourself. Make the "date" coffee hour a habit 2x a week when DC is in preschool/school. Then shift your schedule to be closer to DH's- you will have to do this for school soon anyway. I agree with an 8pm bedtime. And you can go to bed earlier to be able to be up earlier. That way DH get some time after 8:00pm.

4 is old enough for your child to help DH with his weekend chores. Any child can learn how to weed the garden.

I don't understand what problem you're trying to solve. The OP's free time occurs after her child goes to sleep and after her husband goes to sleep. He resents that she stays up late and gets to spend her free time doing what she wants then. Is your solution that she should _not_ have this free time and should go to bed at 9pm when her husband does so that he will not be resentful? She is not offloading childcare or chores onto him: he goes to bed at 9pm so that he can be at work by 6am. Why should she move her schedule to align with his schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help - So change this - get some help.

And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. - So get some help.

DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby. - Frankly, he shouldn't have to sacrifice any of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also wanted to add that DH spends 2 hours on a sport hobby about 2-3 times per week, late in the evenings usually. So like from 8-10 pm 2-3 times per week. He ends up getting to bed late, is exhausted the next day, and then falls asleep while playing with DC which DC doesn't like. But DH refuses to give up this sport. Even though this counts as personal time, DH wants daily personal time in addition, of about 2 hours per day.

That is his free time. If he chooses to spend it on a sport, that is up to him. Frankly, if he wants more personal time, he should dispense with the bother of having a wife and child. He can have plenty of personal time as a divorced man who pays a shitlod of alimony and child support due to abandoning his family.

+1

He already has his free time. If he wants more, then he can cut back his work hours.

If your DH wasn't exercising those 6 hours a week, you would be complaining how he is out shape and not taking of himself. With a stressful job he likely needs this outlet, just like he needs downtime -- being the breadwinner in a cutthroat job like law is very taxing. Are you a lawyer as well?

Why are you working if he is a law partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help - So change this - get some help.

And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. - So get some help.

DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby. - Frankly, he shouldn't have to sacrifice any of these things.

Except that working out and playing a sport are...wait for it...activities that one does in one's free time. The husband already has free time--he spends it playing a sport about 6-8 hours a week, and working out, and doing yardwork. He wants two MORE hours a day of free time, on top of what he already has. So what he really wants, apparently, is not to have to spend any time with his kid.

Personally, I'd let him have that time. Seriously. Yes, it sucks for the kid, but it's really your husband's loss. Hire more help for yourself if you want it, outsource housecleaning and whatever else you want to outsource, but tell your husband he can have all the free time he wants. Of course, the end result of that will be that his is increasingly isolated from his family, but again, if he would prefer to be nothing but a paycheck to you guys, that's his choice, and he can't complain when you take him up on it.