Completely devastated by 2nd divorce

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I went through exactly the same thing. I married very young, divorced after a year. Few years later, I met a man that turned my life upside down. We had a great relationship, marriage, friendship, or that’s what I thought. Five years into marriage, he cheated on me. Left me for his AP. I was crashed, devastated, broken. However, I am not sure whether I wanted to make it work because of my love for him, or because I could not take failure for a second time. I think that that was the hardest thing for me. Thinking about a second divorce was too much for me to even consider. I was determined to save the marriage. But one day, I woke up and I saw with clarity that I was no doormat. His love love story failed, and after two months he wanted to come back home. I kicked his ass. We didn’t have kids. Worked very hard through therapy to recover my self esteem. Few years passed by, I have the best family and the most loving husband I could ever have wished for. I made it. It was very hard. I cried a lot. But I put myself first. Therapy helped tremendously. Good luck and time will telll you what the right answer is.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine someone who cheats within the FIRST TWO YEARS is ever going to be an honest, faithful spouse. Ever.

It sucks, I'm sorry. Leave him ASAP and start therapy to help you figure out your patterns. You're setting a terrible example for your DD otherwise. Leave for her if for no other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He begged me to stay,cried and said he was willing to do anything to save the marriage. He wrote me letters after letters of apologies about how heartbroken he was over what he did and how it was the biggest regret of his life. What i dont get is while he was telling me all of that, he was still lying about the details of the affair and that he was still in contact with the OW. He said he only texted her when he was depressed and I was not talking to him because we had a fight or something. Every week, he confessed to some new lies after I keep digging and asking questions when the story doesnt make sense, or finding evidence, and he tells me that he lied because he did not want to hurt me. He just wanted us to move on from the affair without having to share the details because he did not want to see me hurt, so he keeps lying not to hurt me

Everything he is saying to you is classing man-having-an-affair speak. They will always give you the trickle truth, they will always say they are trying to spare your feelings by not being completely honest. This is a man who doesn't regret the affair or hurting you, he regrets getting caught.

Please see the torture of going through this divorce as a way to save yourself from having to go through the same heartbreak over, over, and over again. Because if you stay with this man he will keep doing this. I know, I've been with mine for 5 years and we're on Dday number 5 at this point. Choose to go through the grief process now and be done with it so you don't have to go through it every 6 months if you stay with this guy. Do you really want to live like me? Constantly paranoid and constantly snooping and constantly being devastated, all over again? Get out now while it's still relatively early. You will find love again, I promise.

[Anonymous]

OP, this thread isn't going to help you rebuild your self confidence, which this guy already tore down, it seems.

You're 35, you have experience, you have lived, loved, have a kid. This two year blip of a marriage will be behind you soon enough. Think of it as an early internship on a resume or a job between jobs that you play down in future career pursuits.

Take time to heal and process. (And yes, divorce is the right step and no he is not your friend.) Good luck...!

[Anonymous]

You sound desperate, insecure, and willing to cling to anyone who hints at meeting your emotional needs (("who will I talk to on my way to work?, companionship, loneliness, who will I talk to after work?"....is what you said).
You need to built a stronger friendship base.

How long were you dating husband#2?

How old is your kid?

[Anonymous]

Everyone on here is going to tell you to divorce and that your husband is horrible and doesn’t love you. Things aren’t so black and white and you may not be happier divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound desperate, insecure, and willing to cling to anyone who hints at meeting your emotional needs (("who will I talk to on my way to work?, companionship, loneliness, who will I talk to after work?"....is what you said).
You need to built a stronger friendship base.

How long were you dating husband#2?

How old is your kid?

Huh? It’s completely normal to consider missing the companionship of marriage!

[Anonymous]

Has your husband disclosed why he cheated and why he’s still talking to the OW?

[Anonymous]

My mom was my dad's third wife. They were married for 48 years when he died. 3rd times the charm!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine someone who cheats within the FIRST TWO YEARS is ever going to be an honest, faithful spouse. Ever.

It sucks, I'm sorry. Leave him ASAP and start therapy to help you figure out your patterns. You're setting a terrible example for your DD otherwise. Leave for her if for no other reason.

+1, also remember that he is NOT your friend. Friends don’t treat each other like that. They don’t lie. He’s just the person you call because you’re in a habit. Call anyone else but him for a week and see how you feel then.

[Anonymous]

Go yo survivinginfidelity.com for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt the same way. Similar story. I stayed. We are now very happy. Don’t feel like you have to walk away because it’s the right thing to do. You may want to stay and fight for the marriage. You seem like you’re reluctant to leave and you should figure out why. If there’s a glimmer of hope and he wants to fight for the marriage then give it all you’ve got.

But how can you reconcile when the person keeps on lying? He said he wanted to reconcile , begged me to stay but every week I find out new lies about the affair, and just a few days ago found out he was still talking to the OW. How do you go on after that? How do you even learn to trust the person again, he has told me so many lies that i dont know who he is anymore

You cannot. You cannot reconcile with a guy who continues to lie and be in contact with the AP. This lying is nothing but a manipulation of you for his own purposes. It is a form of serious emotional abuse. Was your first marriage abusive as well? No one, no matter what kind of mistakes in a marriage have been made, no one deserves to be cheated on or causes someone to cheat on them. Cheating is never an acceptable response to marriage problems. A person who cheats is unable to deal with conflicts in an honest and transparent way and thus lacks the most basic skills necessary for successful marriage.

I have been where you are ... cheating, lies, and yet a partner begging to reconcile, etc. Do not listen to his words, rather watch his actions carefully. Focus on how this relationship IS, not what you hope it can be. Remember that the person you love is not a real person but is a creation of a tapestry of lies. You do not have a marriage to fight for.

End the marriage and get into therapy to find out why you would even consider sticking around someone for one minute in these conditions. For me, I learned that I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, so that behavior seemed normal to me and I tolerated it and rationalized it in my partners. Use therapy to help you build your own life independent of relationships and to learn to identify healthy relationships.

Good luck.

No, my 1st marriage was not abusive at all. Like I described earlier, we got married too young and were more suited to be friends than romantic partners, we are still friends and co-parent well. When I first found out he was cheating, he blamed me for it, said I neglected him, I wasnt there for him ect. Then he changed his discourse and took full responsibility and said regardless of what was going on, he should not have cheated. Since then, he "appeared" very remorseful to me, sent long emails apologizing, cried, promised he is willing to do whatever to save the marriage, bought books, made appts with a therapist. I never could have believed his desire to be transparent and reconcile was fake. He gave me access to all of his accounts ( of course he deleted everything pertaining to the oW first). But every week, I kept digging and asking more questions about the affair, and the story kept changing, went from we were intimate once, to it was less than 10 times but dont remember the #, and so many other things that would just crush me each time. And the last one for me was a couple of days later when we did our couple therapy session and the therapist told him he needed to tell me everything I needed to know about the affair, and if there is something else I dont know he needed to tell me. The next day, he told me he was still in contact with OW and they were chatting thru whatsapp, he would unlock her chat with her then block her again but said they were not talking about anything romantic or sexual. I was devastated to say the least, and the next day I told him I know he is still lying to me, that I have evidence he is lying, but won't tell him about what. Then I found out that day he googled' can someone see my deleted whatsapp messages? can someone see my deleted facebook messages" and he also changed his icloud password and blocked icloud photo access on all devices ( i saw the email notifications) . He doesn't know I saw those searches as I havent spoken to him since, but the fact that he is searching for that is telling me there is more that he is hiding, the fact that he is blocking pictures is telling me he probably has her pics saved somewhere. Now why would I want to make this work? Because I guess it is my 2nd marriage, I am scared of failing a second time, we also had some good times, my DD and his DD love and adore each other and call each other sisters, we had plans for the future and so many dreams as a family that are hard for me to just let go abruptly. So, yes I am devastated, I am not a doormat, I am still processing all of this and I think also part of me wants to believe him when he says he will change, when he says he is sorry and when he says he loves me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine someone who cheats within the FIRST TWO YEARS is ever going to be an honest, faithful spouse. Ever.

It sucks, I'm sorry. Leave him ASAP and start therapy to help you figure out your patterns. You're setting a terrible example for your DD otherwise. Leave for her if for no other reason.

+1, also remember that he is NOT your friend. Friends don’t treat each other like that. They don’t lie. He’s just the person you call because you’re in a habit. Call anyone else but him for a week and see how you feel then.

Please. People make mistakes. People are dishonest. Not everything is so black or white. If you refuse to be married to someone who lies then you’ll most likely end up single. Not saying you need to be married to a pathological liar, but the standards some people proclaim on here are unreal. People are not perfect. People cheat. People lie. People mismanage their finances. People stop having sex. Marriage is staying together through thick and thin. Not just running when someone shows you they aren’t perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I went through exactly the same thing. I married very young, divorced after a year. Few years later, I met a man that turned my life upside down. We had a great relationship, marriage, friendship, or that’s what I thought. Five years into marriage, he cheated on me. Left me for his AP. I was crashed, devastated, broken. However, I am not sure whether I wanted to make it work because of my love for him, or because I could not take failure for a second time. I think that that was the hardest thing for me. Thinking about a second divorce was too much for me to even consider. I was determined to save the marriage. But one day, I woke up and I saw with clarity that I was no doormat. His love love story failed, and after two months he wanted to come back home. I kicked his ass. We didn’t have kids. Worked very hard through therapy to recover my self esteem. Few years passed by, I have the best family and the most loving husband I could ever have wished for. I made it. It was very hard. I cried a lot. But I put myself first. Therapy helped tremendously. Good luck and time will telll you what the right answer is.

Your story gives me hope. I ask myself the same thing as well, do I want to make it work because I love him or because I am ashamed of the failure of another marriage. It is hard for me to face the fact that I got married twice and failed at it twice. How were you able to move on? How was it for you when he tried coming back? How was facing the decision to marry a 3rd time like? Were you scared to commit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He begged me to stay,cried and said he was willing to do anything to save the marriage. He wrote me letters after letters of apologies about how heartbroken he was over what he did and how it was the biggest regret of his life. What i dont get is while he was telling me all of that, he was still lying about the details of the affair and that he was still in contact with the OW. He said he only texted her when he was depressed and I was not talking to him because we had a fight or something. Every week, he confessed to some new lies after I keep digging and asking questions when the story doesnt make sense, or finding evidence, and he tells me that he lied because he did not want to hurt me. He just wanted us to move on from the affair without having to share the details because he did not want to see me hurt, so he keeps lying not to hurt me

Everything he is saying to you is classing man-having-an-affair speak. They will always give you the trickle truth, they will always say they are trying to spare your feelings by not being completely honest. This is a man who doesn't regret the affair or hurting you, he regrets getting caught.

Please see the torture of going through this divorce as a way to save yourself from having to go through the same heartbreak over, over, and over again. Because if you stay with this man he will keep doing this. I know, I've been with mine for 5 years and we're on Dday number 5 at this point. Choose to go through the grief process now and be done with it so you don't have to go through it every 6 months if you stay with this guy. Do you really want to live like me? Constantly paranoid and constantly snooping and constantly being devastated, all over again? Get out now while it's still relatively early. You will find love again, I promise.

The trickle truth is what hurts the most, it's like reliving D-day over and over again. And yes I do not want to live like this, i find myself checking emails/phone logs/ fbook messages ect. always trying to find something, it's like I am losing myself. I am not the kind of woman who snoops, always checks her partner's phone/email ect. this is not me, and I dont like this person. And my fear is by staying with him, I will become that insecure person, always on the edge. Why are you still staying?