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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I felt the same way.  Similar story.  I stayed.  We are now very happy.  Don’t feel like you have to walk away because it’s the right thing to do.  You may want to stay and fight for the marriage.  You seem like you’re reluctant to leave and you should figure out why.  If there’s a glimmer of hope and he wants to fight for the marriage then give it all you’ve got.  [/quote]

But how can you reconcile when the person keeps on lying? He said he wanted to reconcile , begged me to stay but every week I find out new lies about the affair, and just a few days ago found out he was still talking to the OW. How do you go on after that? How do you even learn to trust the person again, he has told me so many lies that i dont know who he is anymore[/quote]

You cannot.  You cannot reconcile with a guy who continues to lie and be in contact with the AP.   This lying is nothing but a manipulation of you for his own purposes.  It is a form of serious emotional abuse.  Was your first marriage abusive as well? No one, no matter what kind of mistakes in a marriage have been made, no one deserves to be cheated on or causes someone to cheat on them.  Cheating is never an acceptable response to marriage problems.  A person who cheats is unable to deal with conflicts in an honest and transparent way and thus lacks the most basic skills necessary for successful marriage.

I have been where you are ... cheating, lies, and yet a partner begging to reconcile, etc.  Do not listen to his words, rather watch his actions carefully.  Focus on how this relationship IS, not what you hope it can be.  Remember that the person you love is not a real person but is a creation of a tapestry of lies.  You do not have a marriage to fight for.

End the marriage and get into therapy to find out why you would even consider sticking around someone for one minute in these conditions.  For me,  I learned that I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, so that behavior seemed normal to me and I tolerated it and rationalized it in my partners.  Use therapy to help you build your own life independent of relationships and to learn to identify healthy relationships.

Good luck. [/quote]

No, my 1st marriage was not abusive at all. Like I described earlier, we got married too young and were more suited to be friends than romantic partners, we are still friends and co-parent well. When I first found out he was cheating, he blamed me for it, said I neglected him, I wasnt there for him ect. Then he changed his discourse and took full responsibility and said regardless of what was going on, he should not have cheated. Since then, he "appeared" very remorseful to me, sent long emails apologizing, cried, promised he is willing to do whatever to save the marriage, bought books, made appts with a therapist. I never could have believed his desire to be transparent and reconcile was fake. He gave me access to all of his accounts ( of course he deleted everything pertaining to the oW first). But every week, I kept digging and asking more questions about the affair, and the story kept changing, went from we were intimate once, to it was less than 10 times but dont remember the #, and so many other things that would just crush me each time. And the last one for me was a couple of days later when we did our couple therapy session and the therapist told him he needed to tell me everything I needed to know about the affair, and if there is something else I dont know he needed to tell me. The next day, he told me he was still in contact with OW and they were chatting thru whatsapp, he would unlock her chat with her then block her again but said they were not talking about anything romantic or sexual. I was devastated to say the least, and the next day I told him I know he is still lying to me, that I have evidence he is lying, but won't tell him about what. Then I found out that day he googled' can someone see my deleted whatsapp messages? can someone see my deleted facebook messages" and he also changed his icloud password and blocked icloud photo access on all devices ( i saw the email notifications) . He doesn't know I saw those searches as I havent spoken to him since, but the fact that he is searching for that is telling me there is more that he is hiding, the fact that he is blocking pictures is telling me he probably has her pics saved somewhere. Now why would I want to make this work? Because I guess it is my 2nd marriage, I am scared of failing a second time, we also had some good times, my DD and his DD love and adore each other and call each other sisters, we had plans for the future and so many dreams as a family that are hard for me to just let go abruptly. So, yes I am devastated, I am not a doormat, I am still processing all of this and I think also part of me wants to believe him when he says he will change, when he says he is sorry  and when he says he loves me :([/quote]

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