Completely devastated by 2nd divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I went through exactly the same thing. I married very young, divorced after a year. Few years later, I met a man that turned my life upside down. We had a great relationship, marriage, friendship, or that’s what I thought. Five years into marriage, he cheated on me. Left me for his AP. I was crashed, devastated, broken. However, I am not sure whether I wanted to make it work because of my love for him, or because I could not take failure for a second time. I think that that was the hardest thing for me. Thinking about a second divorce was too much for me to even consider. I was determined to save the marriage. But one day, I woke up and I saw with clarity that I was no doormat. His love love story failed, and after two months he wanted to come back home. I kicked his ass. We didn’t have kids. Worked very hard through therapy to recover my self esteem. Few years passed by, I have the best family and the most loving husband I could ever have wished for. I made it. It was very hard. I cried a lot. But I put myself first. Therapy helped tremendously. Good luck and time will telll you what the right answer is.

This. It sounds like you just didn't want to be alone. So much of what you said was about who to call after work or fill those small times. You have friends you can call instead. Or, get a good book to fill them. You probably jumped into this marriage with eyes open, but just wanted to have someone. Therapy, for you, is the answer. Why do you feel empty without a husband? Especially this one? Let it go. Watch him regret it. Keep moving toward a much more selective dating process and a quality husband. No one wants to be a double divorcee, but it happens and can be a healthy thing. But, if you really want to improve your chances of not being a triple divorcee, you've got a lot of self work to do.

Call a therapist today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Please. People make mistakes. People are dishonest. Not everything is so black or white. If you refuse to be married to someone who lies then you’ll most likely end up single. Not saying you need to be married to a pathological liar, but the standards some people proclaim on here are unreal. People are not perfect. People cheat. People lie. People mismanage their finances. People stop having sex. Marriage is staying together through thick and thin. Not just running when someone shows you they aren’t perfect.

I would agree with this if they were 10 years into marriage. If they had children together. They don't. Staying in a marriage like this is how people end up in miserable 20-30 year marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I went through exactly the same thing. I married very young, divorced after a year. Few years later, I met a man that turned my life upside down. We had a great relationship, marriage, friendship, or that’s what I thought. Five years into marriage, he cheated on me. Left me for his AP. I was crashed, devastated, broken. However, I am not sure whether I wanted to make it work because of my love for him, or because I could not take failure for a second time. I think that that was the hardest thing for me. Thinking about a second divorce was too much for me to even consider. I was determined to save the marriage. But one day, I woke up and I saw with clarity that I was no doormat. His love love story failed, and after two months he wanted to come back home. I kicked his ass. We didn’t have kids. Worked very hard through therapy to recover my self esteem. Few years passed by, I have the best family and the most loving husband I could ever have wished for. I made it. It was very hard. I cried a lot. But I put myself first. Therapy helped tremendously. Good luck and time will telll you what the right answer is.

This. It sounds like you just didn't want to be alone. So much of what you said was about who to call after work or fill those small times. You have friends you can call instead. Or, get a good book to fill them. You probably jumped into this marriage with eyes open, but just wanted to have someone. Therapy, for you, is the answer. Why do you feel empty without a husband? Especially this one? Let it go. Watch him regret it. Keep moving toward a much more selective dating process and a quality husband. No one wants to be a double divorcee, but it happens and can be a healthy thing. But, if you really want to improve your chances of not being a triple divorcee, you've got a lot of self work to do.

Call a therapist today.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine someone who cheats within the FIRST TWO YEARS is ever going to be an honest, faithful spouse. Ever.

It sucks, I'm sorry. Leave him ASAP and start therapy to help you figure out your patterns. You're setting a terrible example for your DD otherwise. Leave for her if for no other reason.

+1, also remember that he is NOT your friend. Friends don’t treat each other like that. They don’t lie. He’s just the person you call because you’re in a habit. Call anyone else but him for a week and see how you feel then.

Please. People make mistakes. People are dishonest. Not everything is so black or white. If you refuse to be married to someone who lies then you’ll most likely end up single. Not saying you need to be married to a pathological liar, but the standards some people proclaim on here are unreal. People are not perfect. People cheat. People lie. People mismanage their finances. People stop having sex. Marriage is staying together through thick and thin. Not just running when someone shows you they aren’t perfect.

In my case my exDW went out of her way to show her way to repeatedly show her contempt for the ‘marriage’. So I also think marriage does not involve sticking together through thick and thin. I hope the lesson my kids learn is that you don’t take other people for granted.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a lot of sympathy for you. You may have not made the wisest choic in marrying this guy, but you don't have to pay for it by spending the rest of your life with a man you can't trust and who can't show you the respect of telling the truth even after he's been caught. You don't have to compound one mistake by making a bigger one and you also don't have to beat yourself up- you didn't do the worst thing in the world!!
You'll find other things or people to occupy the space he held. The phone calls after work- that habit will break and in a month you won't even miss it like you imagine you would. You can create a fulfilling life without him, and I think a first step is talking to a professional to help you through it.
Wishing you the absolute best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a lot of sympathy for you. You may have not made the wisest choic in marrying this guy, but you don't have to pay for it by spending the rest of your life with a man you can't trust and who can't show you the respect of telling the truth even after he's been caught. You don't have to compound one mistake by making a bigger one and you also don't have to beat yourself up- you didn't do the worst thing in the world!!
You'll find other things or people to occupy the space he held. The phone calls after work- that habit will break and in a month you won't even miss it like you imagine you would. You can create a fulfilling life without him, and I think a first step is talking to a professional to help you through it.
Wishing you the absolute best!

Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me . Messages like these are really helping me right now, please keep all kind of messages/advice coming. I am home alone with the crazy wind outside and extremely depressed. Any advice even if it is harsh to solidify my decision and give me the strength I need is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a lot of sympathy for you. You may have not made the wisest choic in marrying this guy, but you don't have to pay for it by spending the rest of your life with a man you can't trust and who can't show you the respect of telling the truth even after he's been caught. You don't have to compound one mistake by making a bigger one and you also don't have to beat yourself up- you didn't do the worst thing in the world!!
You'll find other things or people to occupy the space he held. The phone calls after work- that habit will break and in a month you won't even miss it like you imagine you would. You can create a fulfilling life without him, and I think a first step is talking to a professional to help you through it.
Wishing you the absolute best!

Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me . Messages like these are really helping me right now, please keep all kind of messages/advice coming. I am home alone with the crazy wind outside and extremely depressed. Any advice even if it is harsh to solidify my decision and give me the strength I need is appreciated.

I'm glad it was helpful OP. I can feel the pain you're in and it's so hard to see it now, but it will get better and you won't always feel this way. If you stay with him you will continue to lose yourself and either because a part-time PI trying to catch him in more lies, or you'll adjust and accept and grow numb to the whole thing just so you can manage. But what people don't realize is when you numb yourself to feelings of pain, you numb yourself to feelings of joy too. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have a lot of sympathy for you. You may have not made the wisest choic in marrying this guy, but you don't have to pay for it by spending the rest of your life with a man you can't trust and who can't show you the respect of telling the truth even after he's been caught. You don't have to compound one mistake by making a bigger one and you also don't have to beat yourself up- you didn't do the worst thing in the world!!
You'll find other things or people to occupy the space he held. The phone calls after work- that habit will break and in a month you won't even miss it like you imagine you would. You can create a fulfilling life without him, and I think a first step is talking to a professional to help you through it.
Wishing you the absolute best!

Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me . Messages like these are really helping me right now, please keep all kind of messages/advice coming. I am home alone with the crazy wind outside and extremely depressed. Any advice even if it is harsh to solidify my decision and give me the strength I need is appreciated.

I'm glad it was helpful OP. I can feel the pain you're in and it's so hard to see it now, but it will get better and you won't always feel this way. If you stay with him you will continue to lose yourself and either because a part-time PI trying to catch him in more lies, or you'll adjust and accept and grow numb to the whole thing just so you can manage. But what people don't realize is when you numb yourself to feelings of pain, you numb yourself to feelings of joy too. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

You're right, I fear losing myself. I see the early signs already: constantly trying to snoop on his phone, read emails, check facebook messages. This is not a way to live, I am not at peace. I used to be a very secured independent person, and I am seeing how this is turning me into someone obsessed into finding more lies, more about the affair, more about what he is hiding. I wasn't a perfect wife, but he had no right into making me live like this, I dont think i can forgive him for that.

[Anonymous]

So what is your plan for therapy? Do you have an appointment scheduled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what is your plan for therapy? Do you have an appointment scheduled?

I have already started weekly individual therapy sessions since I discovered the affair.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound desperate, insecure, and willing to cling to anyone who hints at meeting your emotional needs (("who will I talk to on my way to work?, companionship, loneliness, who will I talk to after work?"....is what you said).
You need to built a stronger friendship base.

How long were you dating husband#2?

How old is your kid?

Why are you so mean!?

[Anonymous]

i guess it is a reality check

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound desperate, insecure, and willing to cling to anyone who hints at meeting your emotional needs (("who will I talk to on my way to work?, companionship, loneliness, who will I talk to after work?"....is what you said).
You need to built a stronger friendship base.

How long were you dating husband#2?

How old is your kid?

Why are you so mean!?

B/c all this coddling and condoning OP is not helping and apparently it's not working seeing she's on the way to a second divorce.
Maybe Op needs a kick in the butt and to read/hear the above poster.
She's a 30-something with 1 kid. Not some 13 year old getting over her first crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound desperate, insecure, and willing to cling to anyone who hints at meeting your emotional needs (("who will I talk to on my way to work?, companionship, loneliness, who will I talk to after work?"....is what you said).
You need to built a stronger friendship base.

How long were you dating husband#2?

How old is your kid?

Why are you so mean!?

B/c all this coddling and condoning OP is not helping and apparently it's not working seeing she's on the way to a second divorce.
Maybe Op needs a kick in the butt and to read/hear the above poster.
She's a 30-something with 1 kid. Not some 13 year old getting over her first crush.

OP here- I welcome all feedback, even the mean ones, I need all the strength I can get to keep moving forward and not give in. He has been calling me over 10+ times and I am not picking up or responding to texts, and it is breaking my heart because all I want right now is someone to talk to, or listen to him tell me it will be alright and believe him but I know I can't, so I am trying to be strong right now for me