Completely devastated by 2nd divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you divorce the first guy? If it’s for similar reasons, you need to figure out why you’re attracted to this kind of personality. Also, you seem to think that being with somebody or anybody is always better than being with nobody. Being with the right person is best, but if they’re wrong, nobody is often the better option.

Yes, breaking up sucks and is sad, but do you want to be 20 years older and still dealing with this crap from this guy? The band aid has to be ripped off st some point.

1ST Marriage was in early 20s, divorced coz we got married too young, no major issues, no cheating, or abuse. We just were not a good match romantically, we are still good friends and co-parent well our child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids OP?

I have one from my previous marriage.

This is more of a reason to leave him. I'm reading the thread. He's a narcissist. People like this prey on co-depedents like you. You're exactly what they need. I know it hurts right now, but if you go to CoDa meetings, you'll have language for why your marriages fail. You'll understand so much more about yourself, and you'll be able to attract a healthy person who will love you and treat you well. You also need to do this for your kid's sake. Do you have a dd? You don't want her following in your footsteps. She is learning about relationships as she watches you have them. Do you have a son? Same thing. He's going to attract narcissists. It's what he'll know and feel comfortable with. Please break the cycle.

I have a DD. How do I know i am a CoDa? I am usually the strong head in the relationship and my dh was the one giving in all the time, he was also the pursuer and I was the distancer for most of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. He’s not treating you like a friend would or should. He’s not who you thought he was.

At the very least you should separate and insist on marital counseling, and individual for him (and continue with tour own).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids OP?

I have one from my previous marriage.

This is more of a reason to leave him. I'm reading the thread. He's a narcissist. People like this prey on co-depedents like you. You're exactly what they need. I know it hurts right now, but if you go to CoDa meetings, you'll have language for why your marriages fail. You'll understand so much more about yourself, and you'll be able to attract a healthy person who will love you and treat you well. You also need to do this for your kid's sake. Do you have a dd? You don't want her following in your footsteps. She is learning about relationships as she watches you have them. Do you have a son? Same thing. He's going to attract narcissists. It's what he'll know and feel comfortable with. Please break the cycle.

I have a DD. How do I know i am a CoDa? I am usually the strong head in the relationship and my dh was the one giving in all the time, he was also the pursuer and I was the distancer for most of the relationship.

You're super co-dependent. Google Dr. Gottman to understand the pursuer-distancer pattern in your failed relationships. Often co-dependent couples switch these roles. It's so horrible. YOU are a narcissist too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids OP?

I have one from my previous marriage.

This is more of a reason to leave him. I'm reading the thread. He's a narcissist. People like this prey on co-depedents like you. You're exactly what they need. I know it hurts right now, but if you go to CoDa meetings, you'll have language for why your marriages fail. You'll understand so much more about yourself, and you'll be able to attract a healthy person who will love you and treat you well. You also need to do this for your kid's sake. Do you have a dd? You don't want her following in your footsteps. She is learning about relationships as she watches you have them. Do you have a son? Same thing. He's going to attract narcissists. It's what he'll know and feel comfortable with. Please break the cycle.

I have a DD. How do I know i am a CoDa? I am usually the strong head in the relationship and my dh was the one giving in all the time, he was also the pursuer and I was the distancer for most of the relationship.

You're super co-dependent. Google Dr. Gottman to understand the pursuer-distancer pattern in your failed relationships. Often co-dependent couples switch these roles. It's so horrible. YOU are a narcissist too.

^^ Your dd is so f**** if you don't get your shit together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. He’s not treating you like a friend would or should. He’s not who you thought he was.

At the very least you should separate and insist on marital counseling, and individual for him (and continue with tour own).

He has been in individual therapy for months and is still lying, thats what makes me angry. I feel like the therapy is not helping him as he is still doing the same things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. He’s not treating you like a friend would or should. He’s not who you thought he was.

At the very least you should separate and insist on marital counseling, and individual for him (and continue with tour own).

He has been in individual therapy for months and is still lying, thats what makes me angry. I feel like the therapy is not helping him as he is still doing the same things

You think liars lie to everyone but their therapists?

He's lying to the therapist, not that you actually care. Let's face it. This is all part of the ride that you'll repeat and repeat until you get help for your emotional problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. He’s not treating you like a friend would or should. He’s not who you thought he was.

At the very least you should separate and insist on marital counseling, and individual for him (and continue with tour own).

He has been in individual therapy for months and is still lying, thats what makes me angry. I feel like the therapy is not helping him as he is still doing the same things

You think liars lie to everyone but their therapists?

He's lying to the therapist, not that you actually care. Let's face it. This is all part of the ride that you'll repeat and repeat until you get help for your emotional problems.

What are my emotional needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. He’s not treating you like a friend would or should. He’s not who you thought he was.

At the very least you should separate and insist on marital counseling, and individual for him (and continue with tour own).

He has been in individual therapy for months and is still lying, thats what makes me angry. I feel like the therapy is not helping him as he is still doing the same things

You think liars lie to everyone but their therapists?

He's lying to the therapist, not that you actually care. Let's face it. This is all part of the ride that you'll repeat and repeat until you get help for your emotional problems.

What are my emotional needs?

Okay, time to end this. If this is a real poster, go make an appt with a therapist. This isn’t the place to get analyzed by strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? You act as though your life is over. You do not want to be with someone who is going to lie to you and hurt you like that. You are strong and you will get through this. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Are you happy with your job? If you aren't use this as a chance to start over somewhere new. Start a new adventure.

Too young to be have divorced twice judging by their language patterns.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so mean to someone who is hurting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you divorce the first guy? If it’s for similar reasons, you need to figure out why you’re attracted to this kind of personality. Also, you seem to think that being with somebody or anybody is always better than being with nobody. Being with the right person is best, but if they’re wrong, nobody is often the better option.

Yes, breaking up sucks and is sad, but do you want to be 20 years older and still dealing with this crap from this guy? The band aid has to be ripped off st some point.

1ST Marriage was in early 20s, divorced coz we got married too young, no major issues, no cheating, or abuse. We just were not a good match romantically, we are still good friends and co-parent well our child

"we got married too young" is your reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you divorce the first guy? If it’s for similar reasons, you need to figure out why you’re attracted to this kind of personality. Also, you seem to think that being with somebody or anybody is always better than being with nobody. Being with the right person is best, but if they’re wrong, nobody is often the better option.

Yes, breaking up sucks and is sad, but do you want to be 20 years older and still dealing with this crap from this guy? The band aid has to be ripped off st some point.

1ST Marriage was in early 20s, divorced coz we got married too young, no major issues, no cheating, or abuse. We just were not a good match romantically, we are still good friends and co-parent well our child

"we got married too young" is your reason?

2nd marriage lasted less than 2 yrs. Husband cheated while married less than 2 yrs. Basically during what should still be the honeymoon phase. Hopeless.

OP should stop getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt the same way. Similar story. I stayed. We are now very happy. Don’t feel like you have to walk away because it’s the right thing to do. You may want to stay and fight for the marriage. You seem like you’re reluctant to leave and you should figure out why. If there’s a glimmer of hope and he wants to fight for the marriage then give it all you’ve got.

But how can you reconcile when the person keeps on lying? He said he wanted to reconcile , begged me to stay but every week I find out new lies about the affair, and just a few days ago found out he was still talking to the OW. How do you go on after that? How do you even learn to trust the person again, he has told me so many lies that i dont know who he is anymore

You cannot. You cannot reconcile with a guy who continues to lie and be in contact with the AP. This lying is nothing but a manipulation of you for his own purposes. It is a form of serious emotional abuse. Was your first marriage abusive as well? No one, no matter what kind of mistakes in a marriage have been made, no one deserves to be cheated on or causes someone to cheat on them. Cheating is never an acceptable response to marriage problems. A person who cheats is unable to deal with conflicts in an honest and transparent way and thus lacks the most basic skills necessary for successful marriage.

I have been where you are ... cheating, lies, and yet a partner begging to reconcile, etc. Do not listen to his words, rather watch his actions carefully. Focus on how this relationship IS, not what you hope it can be. Remember that the person you love is not a real person but is a creation of a tapestry of lies. You do not have a marriage to fight for.

End the marriage and get into therapy to find out why you would even consider sticking around someone for one minute in these conditions. For me, I learned that I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, so that behavior seemed normal to me and I tolerated it and rationalized it in my partners. Use therapy to help you build your own life independent of relationships and to learn to identify healthy relationships.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am getting divorced for the 2nd time after being married for less than 2 years. I feel like a complete failure, he cheated on me a couple of months ago and I wanted to stay to work it out, go through therapy but in the process found out he kept lying to me , over and over, was still in communication with the OW when he said they were not, was still lying to me about the details of hte affair, the length of it, the depth of it. I just suddenly got tired of the lies and I am ready to walk away, but i feel so broken. I still love my husband, he is also my friend. I feel like I wont be able to move on, who will I call when I get off work? on my way to work? who will keep me company or reassure me when things are bad. I know the right choice is to divorce because I deserve better, but I am so scared of the pain and heartbreak and trying to rebuild a life by myself all over again, the loneliness, the hurt. I dont know what i am looking for, maybe advice or validation that the right choice is to walk away from someone who cheated and keeps lying to you even if they are also very loving in other ways. Please give me the strength to walk away and tell me its going to be okay. I am crying as I am typing this as my heart is breaking

lying is wrong. fundamentally wrong. people that lie will do it again.

and it is different than cheating, cheating is wrong, but it is not intentional deceit.

lying to your spouse is on another level. whether about past affair or finances or even goals and desires in life.