Why is dating so hard once you hit 40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the 40 year old divorced dads with kids and baby momma drama - how many of them are getting the childless hot 20 year olds? I suppose if you're the type okay with being used for money, you're golden.

Men are used to being judged mostly on their income/status. Though, I agree that it's a bit of a stretch to claim that men in their 40s are getting the "hot 20 year olds."

It's one thing to be judged, it's another thing to have the intimate relationship in your life be one based on using someone for sex, and knowing that person is using you for money. Seems pretty empty and sad. But whatever floats their boats.

[Anonymous]

Parts are sagging. Reality sucks.

[Anonymous]

I dated a wonderful women in her early 40's who had two teens 13 and 15. I didn't meet them for about two months when we began to get serious. The way they spoke to their mother was awful, everything was her fault etc. etc. I don't know if their meanness was the result of the divorce or it was something she just tolerated but I had no desire to spend any time with them so we broke it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a wonderful women in her early 40's who had two teens 13 and 15. I didn't meet them for about two months when we began to get serious. The way they spoke to their mother was awful, everything was her fault etc. etc. I don't know if their meanness was the result of the divorce or it was something she just tolerated but I had no desire to spend any time with them so we broke it off.

Divorce really screws kids up. People justify not working on their marriage by telling themselves "kids are resilient" but ultimately, they dig a hole for their kids that takes a long time to dig out of.

[Anonymous]

It was very easy to date when my youngest was heading off to college and I was an empty nester. I was 45 and with empty nester-hood on the horizon I focused on myself in terms of getting in shape and being less a mom. It really paid off as I met plenty of guys and dated around quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Where are you finding these guys? Online?

I'm just like you, divorced, 40s, two kids and both of the last guys I dated wanted to get married. I don't, so had to break up with them. I don't plan to remarry until kids are out of the house. I didn't meet either of them online.

Maybe you can send me the guys you're dating, and I'll send you mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard out there. It's hard for my over-40 child-free friends but I think it's worse if you have kids. I feel like the child-free guys are dating child-free women and the guys with kids are also dating child-free women because the scheduling is easier. If you have a single mom with partial custody and a single dad with partial custody, you've got to have compatible custody arrangements so you can see each other enough to build a relationship. (before you can introduce the kids.) When one partner doesn't have kids, it's easier for them to fit their schedule into the other person's schedule.

Plus at our age, a lot of the guys our age are fine with dating younger women, but the guys who are older than us can seem so... old. The difference between 40 and 50 can seem like a lot if the 50-year-old hasn't taken care of himself.

I am 41, never married, childless. I am not in DC anymore - are you, OP?

I found dating in DC pretty bleak. I limited myself to only guys who didn't have kids, though. Now, the dating market where I am (a southern city) is mostly divorced guys with kids. I actually find I am dating better looking and more charming guys now than I did in my 30s in DC. I dont know if it is because I am willing to date dads now or because I am in a different city or what.

I don't know if maybe guys who have kids prefer women who are childless because it is less complicated? I think some prefer moms, though, maybe so that they will understand or be better with the kids.

I agree with it being very easy to find a hookup and harder to find an LTR. I wait for quite a while to have sex because it does seem a lot of guys arent looking for anything serious.

PS. Also I am dating guys who are more like 45-48. I guess maybe I am a little younger than them but not by much. I see a decent number of guys that age NOT wanting women in their thirties. I think it is because they dont want more kids.

+1. The majority of divorced dads I know won't date women who want more kids, so they date closer to their own age (40s) so that isn't an issue.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...40 is not too old to meet someone, nor does it indicate you are a droopy hag looks-wise. I'm 45 (married at 35) and look better than I *ever* did at 25.

The thing I see with my unmarried 40-something chums is that the kid thing is really off-putting to a lot of guys. If your kids are young there's a ton of working around that has to be done, and often drama with the ex, and the kids may not be in great emotional shape. Getting into a LTR is hard enough as it is. A lot of them also have a fairly high level of baggage around guys in general, which is pretty clear to anyone who might be interested in dating them.

Also, it works both ways. Before I met my DH I broke it off with a guy who had three kids from a previous marriage. Just didn't want to deal with everything that came with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you finding these guys? Online?

I'm just like you, divorced, 40s, two kids and both of the last guys I dated wanted to get married. I don't, so had to break up with them. I don't plan to remarry until kids are out of the house. I didn't meet either of them online.

Maybe you can send me the guys you're dating, and I'll send you mine!

+1 : 50s Guy with kids. No way am I getting married again ! Happy to be in an LTR though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You'll need to aim 10 years older if you want to find a LTR at your age with two kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are you finding these guys? Online?

I'm just like you, divorced, 40s, two kids and both of the last guys I dated wanted to get married. I don't, so had to break up with them. I don't plan to remarry until kids are out of the house. I didn't meet either of them online.

Maybe you can send me the guys you're dating, and I'll send you mine!

I’m in my mid-40’s and have been trying to figure out a way to pawn off my non-matches to my single girlfriends and try some of their non-matches. I wish there was a way to do it. I’ve met some great guys but just not for me for whatever reason who may be terrific for a friend. If anyone thinks of a way we can switch let me know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smaller pool, men can date younger women, but you also have less tolerance for BS. You’re probably pickier than you were in your 20s, which isn’t a bad thing.

Of course, the dating paradox---women become less desirable as they get older, yet they get pickier. No wonder there's so many spinsters here whining about not being able to find decent men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Smaller pool, men can date younger women, but you also have less tolerance for BS. You’re probably pickier than you were in your 20s, which isn’t a bad thing.

Of course, the dating paradox---women become less desirable as they get older, yet they get pickier. No wonder there's so many spinsters here whining about not being able to find decent men.

Is it really whining if it's true?

Over the last 6 months, between the sex scandal revelations and the comments of the bystanders and justifiers, all of which have triggered self-reflection about the large role sexual assault, harassment and abuse have played in my own life, my view is that the # of men in the 40+ range who are "decent" is indeed slim.

And, I'm not sure it's really right to call it being "picky" to refuse to include men like these in my dating pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you finding these guys? Online?

I'm just like you, divorced, 40s, two kids and both of the last guys I dated wanted to get married. I don't, so had to break up with them. I don't plan to remarry until kids are out of the house. I didn't meet either of them online.

Maybe you can send me the guys you're dating, and I'll send you mine!

I’m in my mid-40’s and have been trying to figure out a way to pawn off my non-matches to my single girlfriends and try some of their non-matches. I wish there was a way to do it. I’ve met some great guys but just not for me for whatever reason who may be terrific for a friend. If anyone thinks of a way we can switch let me know.

It's totally fine if you go on a date with someone and don't click, to put him in touch with a friend. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.

I'm a divorced 40yo man with two kids that are with me half the time.

I have not found dating and sex to be difficult, but I would like to remarry but don't want more children, which has led to many relationships that could have worked ending quickly.

Keep trying. Best of luck.