Why is dating so hard once you hit 40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard out there. It's hard for my over-40 child-free friends but I think it's worse if you have kids. I feel like the child-free guys are dating child-free women and the guys with kids are also dating child-free women because the scheduling is easier. If you have a single mom with partial custody and a single dad with partial custody, you've got to have compatible custody arrangements so you can see each other enough to build a relationship. (before you can introduce the kids.) When one partner doesn't have kids, it's easier for them to fit their schedule into the other person's schedule.

Plus at our age, a lot of the guys our age are fine with dating younger women, but the guys who are older than us can seem so... old. The difference between 40 and 50 can seem like a lot if the 50-year-old hasn't taken care of himself.

I am 41, never married, childless. I am not in DC anymore - are you, OP?

I found dating in DC pretty bleak. I limited myself to only guys who didn't have kids, though. Now, the dating market where I am (a southern city) is mostly divorced guys with kids. I actually find I am dating better looking and more charming guys now than I did in my 30s in DC. I dont know if it is because I am willing to date dads now or because I am in a different city or what.

I don't know if maybe guys who have kids prefer women who are childless because it is less complicated? I think some prefer moms, though, maybe so that they will understand or be better with the kids.

I agree with it being very easy to find a hookup and harder to find an LTR. I wait for quite a while to have sex because it does seem a lot of guys arent looking for anything serious.

Wish all those dads and moms would stop dating. They already failed at this. How much more proof you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just worried that once we separate, me and DH, the grass won't be greener on the other side of the fence, just the same green.

Some couples either let the grass die or one person scorches the grass bare. If you still have reasonable amount of grass- water it and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Because you are 40 and have two kids. A40 year old guy can date a 25-35 year old who has never been married and has no idea. Which would you choose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you are 40 and have two kids. A40 year old guy can date a 25-35 year old who has never been married and has no idea. Which would you choose?

Those 25-35 year old women have their biological clocks ticking and want husbands and families. Many things those 40 yr old men have already accomplished. So the joke is on them!

[Anonymous]

Maybe a few things going on.

I'll start by saying I was dating in my 40s after divorce. 2 young kids. If there was one thing that surprised me, it's that I met so many men who DID want LTRs, and really wanted instarelationships. They don't know how to be alone. At the time I was not looking for anything serious, so I was the one trying to keep it somewhat casual.

Think about whom you're attracting and keeping around. There ARE quality people out there looking for something serious. Are you ruling them out for some reason? How open-minded are you about things like height (just an example, there are others)? Or are you meeting men who are open to LTR but they are repelled for some reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. The dating pool is much smaller.

2. 40-something men hope to attract younger women.

3. They hope those women don't have kids or other baggage.

This

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the earlier posters who said it can be really hard. I posted, not to depress you, but to assure you that it's not just you - others are in the same boat.

That said, I do know divorced moms who have gone on to find happiness after divorce/kids. They are generally the women who are comfortable with the idea of online dating. The main problem with dating as a non-20-something is that when you go out, there aren't a lot of singles in your age range like there were when you were 25. Which is why online is helpful - those 40-somethings might not be in the bar where you are, but maybe in a different one. Or they might not be bar people, but they'd meet you somewhere if you found them online.

For those who are scared to separate or divorce out of fear of remaining alone: you might not find anything better. You can't let that be the reason you stay, though. Either you're happy enough in your marriage or you aren't. You shouldn't stay in a bad marriage out of fear of being alone. And you shouldn't leave a decent marriage determined to find someone "better" because you really might not. You have to evaluate your marriage on its own merits, not against some hypothetical dating scene.

[Anonymous]

All the 40 year old divorced dads with kids and baby momma drama - how many of them are getting the childless hot 20 year olds? I suppose if you're the type okay with being used for money, you're golden.

[Anonymous]

There are childfree women in their 20s and 30s people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the 40 year old divorced dads with kids and baby momma drama - how many of them are getting the childless hot 20 year olds? I suppose if you're the type okay with being used for money, you're golden.

The guy gets a babysitter out of it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's attitude and swag. I'm 48 and am having the time of my life. I'm divorced with 2 kids. I tend to like older guys.
I have met some gems! I'm dating a guy who is 58 and I could not be happier. I also don't have little kids. My kids are 15 and 19.

I am super confident and exude that. I've started calling myself Nola Darling (you might have to look that up). It's like an embarrassment of riches.

When I divorced, I set out to do every single thing I ever wanted to do. I think the zest of life shows and makes me more attractive.

I like your style! Tell us more about yourself. Where did you find all this self-confidence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's attitude and swag. I'm 48 and am having the time of my life. I'm divorced with 2 kids. I tend to like older guys.
I have met some gems! I'm dating a guy who is 58 and I could not be happier. I also don't have little kids. My kids are 15 and 19.

I am super confident and exude that. I've started calling myself Nola Darling (you might have to look that up). It's like an embarrassment of riches.

When I divorced, I set out to do every single thing I ever wanted to do. I think the zest of life shows and makes me more attractive.

Same here. It helps that I don't look my age and I am in great shape. I am in my late 40s and I know what type of man I am attracted to and what type of man that is attracted to me. Confidence is the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the 40 year old divorced dads with kids and baby momma drama - how many of them are getting the childless hot 20 year olds? I suppose if you're the type okay with being used for money, you're golden.

Men are used to being judged mostly on their income/status. Though, I agree that it's a bit of a stretch to claim that men in their 40s are getting the "hot 20 year olds."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the 40 year old divorced dads with kids and baby momma drama - how many of them are getting the childless hot 20 year olds? I suppose if you're the type okay with being used for money, you're golden.

52 year old divorced dad here. Since getting divorced I have dated seven women between the ages of 22 and 29. All were childless, and just one of them had been previously married. I could have easily dated three times that number of young women, but I prefer young lawyers, grad students, and women endowed with intellects, and they are a little harder to find.

I prefer women close to my age for a long-term relationship, but it has been fun revisiting my youth, and my married guy friends love hearing my stories.

[Anonymous]

Op are NOT old.