Why is dating so hard once you hit 40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She wants a guy who will accept being fourth (after her kids, her job, and "doing things I enjoy") plus she doesn't want to pay any attention to his kids. Good luck with that.

3rd is more like it. He would come after my kids and my job. But hopefully, the things I enjoy doing would be similar to the things he enjoys doing. It would be great to do something together on date night, get a bite to eat, and then head to one of our homes. This probably falls under the values category, but I wouldn't want to date a man that doesn't put his kids before a new relationship or asks me to do so. The job thing is a grey area---he shouldn't skip out on work to date me but I also wouldn't want to date a workaholic. I never said I don't want to pay any attention to his kids, but I did say I'm not interested in becoming a step mother. I'm not interested in a blended family. I don't want to move my kids into your kids house or vice versa. The adult part of my life belongs to me and doesn't involve my kids. I'm certainly understanding when custody schedules change at the last minute, your kid makes the soccer playoffs and you have to cancel, your kid gets sick, etc. I want to date a man that prioritizes his children.

Anonymous wrote:I find this kind of sad. DW and I have different strengths, and we fill each other's gaps. In some areas we're both weak, and that sucks, but we get by. We like each other and have each other's back. The world out there sounds like a cold, hard place, if I could be rejected because I don't cook. The bit about rejecting a guy solely because his divorce left him short of money is sad too, if the OP has money.

I'm looking for basic skills--the ability to boil water and toast bread. I'm not looking for you to be able to make chateaubriand. When we're discussing what to do for the evening, if netflix and chill comes up, I don't always want to be the one responsible for making dinner. And I don't always want to go out for dinner. It would be nice if he had the ability to cobble together a simple homemade meal that doesn't involve me.

WOW. OP this sounds incredibly neurotic if not downright delusional. Real people aren't lists of arbitrary characteristics. The first date should primarily be about whether or not there is any basic chemistry or not. I suspect that you don't want to admit you're simply not physically attractive enough to get the.quality of men you believe you are entitled to, so you've made dating into an obstacle course which "they" are bound to fail. You can comfort yourself by the.delusion that it's them, not you. But any woman who would exclude a man simply because he doesn't cook is insane-but obviously you have a whole list of other things as well. If you don't want to be alone, I suggest you look for an older.fatter Balder poorer man who maybe doesn't cook, but.may nevertheless be a.perfectly fine human being, and be thankful if you can ever find.even one.willing to.put up with you.

NP here. If the person wants a guy that can put a basic meal together, is financially stable, puts his kids first, and shares some common interests, what is the problem? I think guys make the decision to date/not date a woman based on arbitrary characteristics too, it’s just different things. There are guys with no interest in being a step dad and won’t date a woman with kids. You can argue that there is some great woman with a child that would be an amazing partner if he gave her a chance. They have height, ethnicity, and body shape preferences too. Again, who’s not to say the best match is someone that normally isn’t your type? There was a DCUM thread awhile back about what are the things you look for in a mate. Most men didn’t care about careers of the woman though many liked the idea of the smart educated career woman giving it up career once they had children and focused on the family and him. When someone says attractive, fun, nice, it’s not a specific formula but behind it there are certain looks you find attractive, fun is about the chemistry, and nice or making you feel special is partially about the person’s willingness to do things like cook a meal, come up with thoughtful gift etc.

I do agree that there is a balance between getting to know someone and treating a first date like an interview. I also think you allow for the possibility that things don’t always happen exactly how you plan them.

[Anonymous]

Most men didn’t care about careers of the woman

What you do at work has nothing to do with having a relationship. We're not at work. Ideally, we're in the bathtub together.

[Anonymous]

When someone says attractive, fun, nice, it’s not a specific formula but behind it there are certain looks you find attractive, fun is about the chemistry

No no no. When a man says he's looking for someone who is fun, that means "I enjoyed doing that, let's get together again really soon. Time with you beats time alone." When a woman says chemistry, that means she's looking for a bolt out of the blue, the One, because time alone or with her girlfriends beats pretty much anything, and she likes to to tell people she'd rather be alone than settle. Personally, if I'd rather not settle, I'd be stalking Olivia Wilde, but since I'm willing to settle I try to meet women near me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Agree. I'm 48 and divorced. Quite frankly, I have a great dating life. I also have 2 kids and know that that is a lot for some guys. I can't date a guy who is not financially stable. I'm too old. They have to be able to hold their own. I also want a guy who can cook. After 19 years of marriage, if I never cook another day, it would be too soon.

So basically you gave your first husband your best and the next guy is supposed to settle for someone who won’t make him feel important.

How did you get there from her post? She never said she wouldn't make him feel important. But she does want someone who can carry their own weight in the house. How is asking that from a man making them feel unimportant?

Apparently she will never cook for him. She is also not interested in a partner to build things together. I have friends who were mid 40s male got hit hard in divorce and remarried much younger women and got a “do over” - the younger woman didn’t care about the low retirement account or rental apartment. They were in it together. Several years later those couples (two I know of) have really built a nice life together. That won’t happen with this one.

Yes, and now in fantasy land. I don't have 40 years to build a career anymore. I'm 48. You are right - I don't want to cook. So what. Just so you know, I'm dating an amazing man who loves to cook! I don't want a do over. I want to meet someone who is my match for me now.