Why is dating so hard once you hit 40?

[Anonymous]

Seriously, I don't know what happened! Divorced mom with 2 kids, sane, fit, and good looking for my age. I cannot find a decent guy that's looking for a LTR. I can hookup every night of the week, but WTF?

[Anonymous]

You are old and have baggage.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to lug your baggage. Guys in their 40s either are divorced (and have their own baggage to deal with) or are players seeing women 10 years younger.

You'll need to aim 10 years older if you want to find a LTR at your age with two kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are old and have baggage.

This is harsh but +1.

OP where did you get the idea it would be easy, seriously?

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to the mysoginists.

[Anonymous]

It's not going to be easy, but it's not impossible either. I know plenty of widowed or divorced women who are remarried after 40, and very happily. However, I think it does paradoxically get easier as you get further away from 40. Most people in their 40s still have kids at home and are still coparenting. The teen years can be rough on everyone, emotionally, and high school/college kids are expensive. The happy examples I'm thinking of remarried in their 50s after a long period of dating and living separately while launching the kids.

My brother divorced at 41 and met a widowed woman with whom he was ecstatically happy. They were like a blissful, first-love, soulmate type of couple. Now they have a blended household of five kids total and everyone is miserable. The teens are angry, angry, angry, the littler ones see the tension and are acting out, and the strain is killing their marriage.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard out there. It's hard for my over-40 child-free friends but I think it's worse if you have kids. I feel like the child-free guys are dating child-free women and the guys with kids are also dating child-free women because the scheduling is easier. If you have a single mom with partial custody and a single dad with partial custody, you've got to have compatible custody arrangements so you can see each other enough to build a relationship. (before you can introduce the kids.) When one partner doesn't have kids, it's easier for them to fit their schedule into the other person's schedule.

Plus at our age, a lot of the guys our age are fine with dating younger women, but the guys who are older than us can seem so... old. The difference between 40 and 50 can seem like a lot if the 50-year-old hasn't taken care of himself.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think it is because you have kids and guys don't want to deal with kids. I have several divorced friends who are child-free that started new relationships or got married again after 40. None of my divorced or single friends who have kids have.

[Anonymous]

1. The dating pool is much smaller.

2. 40-something men hope to attract younger women.

3. They hope those women don't have kids or other baggage.

[Anonymous]

You can figure out in 10 minutes that the guy is a creep instead of 10 dates like when you were young and naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus at our age, a lot of the guys our age are fine with dating younger women, but the guys who are older than us can seem so... old. The difference between 40 and 50 can seem like a lot if the 50-year-old hasn't taken care of himself.

The definition of "really... old" is always "ten years older than what you are now".

30 seems really old to 20.
40 seems really old to 30.
50 seems really old to 40.

[Anonymous]

The definition of "really... old" is always "ten years older than what you are now".

30 seems really old to 20.
40 seems really old to 30.
50 seems really old to 40.

I'm 40 and a 50 year old guy doesn't seem really old to me. But I'm sort of an introverted bookworm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The definition of "really... old" is always "ten years older than what you are now".

30 seems really old to 20.
40 seems really old to 30.
50 seems really old to 40.

I'm 40 and a 50 year old guy doesn't seem really old to me. But I'm sort of an introverted bookworm.

+1 It's not the point, however. Never in a million years would I take on responsibility for two other people's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard out there. It's hard for my over-40 child-free friends but I think it's worse if you have kids. I feel like the child-free guys are dating child-free women and the guys with kids are also dating child-free women because the scheduling is easier. If you have a single mom with partial custody and a single dad with partial custody, you've got to have compatible custody arrangements so you can see each other enough to build a relationship. (before you can introduce the kids.) When one partner doesn't have kids, it's easier for them to fit their schedule into the other person's schedule.

Plus at our age, a lot of the guys our age are fine with dating younger women, but the guys who are older than us can seem so... old. The difference between 40 and 50 can seem like a lot if the 50-year-old hasn't taken care of himself.

I am 41, never married, childless. I am not in DC anymore - are you, OP?

I found dating in DC pretty bleak. I limited myself to only guys who didn't have kids, though. Now, the dating market where I am (a southern city) is mostly divorced guys with kids. I actually find I am dating better looking and more charming guys now than I did in my 30s in DC. I dont know if it is because I am willing to date dads now or because I am in a different city or what.

I don't know if maybe guys who have kids prefer women who are childless because it is less complicated? I think some prefer moms, though, maybe so that they will understand or be better with the kids.

I agree with it being very easy to find a hookup and harder to find an LTR. I wait for quite a while to have sex because it does seem a lot of guys arent looking for anything serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard out there. It's hard for my over-40 child-free friends but I think it's worse if you have kids. I feel like the child-free guys are dating child-free women and the guys with kids are also dating child-free women because the scheduling is easier. If you have a single mom with partial custody and a single dad with partial custody, you've got to have compatible custody arrangements so you can see each other enough to build a relationship. (before you can introduce the kids.) When one partner doesn't have kids, it's easier for them to fit their schedule into the other person's schedule.

Plus at our age, a lot of the guys our age are fine with dating younger women, but the guys who are older than us can seem so... old. The difference between 40 and 50 can seem like a lot if the 50-year-old hasn't taken care of himself.

I am 41, never married, childless. I am not in DC anymore - are you, OP?

I found dating in DC pretty bleak. I limited myself to only guys who didn't have kids, though. Now, the dating market where I am (a southern city) is mostly divorced guys with kids. I actually find I am dating better looking and more charming guys now than I did in my 30s in DC. I dont know if it is because I am willing to date dads now or because I am in a different city or what.

I don't know if maybe guys who have kids prefer women who are childless because it is less complicated? I think some prefer moms, though, maybe so that they will understand or be better with the kids.

I agree with it being very easy to find a hookup and harder to find an LTR. I wait for quite a while to have sex because it does seem a lot of guys arent looking for anything serious.

PS. Also I am dating guys who are more like 45-48. I guess maybe I am a little younger than them but not by much. I see a decent number of guys that age NOT wanting women in their thirties. I think it is because they dont want more kids.