Why is dating so hard once you hit 40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and I find it very hard to find someone for an LTR. I’m busy raising my kids, doing things I enjoy, and living my life. I’d love to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, go to an event with me, and yes, have sex with. But not at the expense of my kids.

They don’t need or want another father. They have one. I don’t want to be a step mom. I’ll assume that your kids already have a mom.

If you haven’t been married by your late 40s, I have to wonder why. I dated a great guy who cared for his physically disabled parents until they both passed away. That’s a good reason. But he was looking to get married. We stopped seeing each other last March but are still FB friends. He was engaged by Oct. I’m happy for him; he got what he wanted.

I don’t need or want your money but I do need you to be able to hold your own. If you got screwed in your divorce and have little to no money for things like going out to dinner, the theater, or a vacation, that’s not going to work. I don’t expect you to pay for me, but I also don’t expect to have to pay for you.

I don’t want to be responsible for you. If your house isn’t tidy, I’m not interested. If you cheated on your wife, I’m not interested. Yes I’m sure it was all her fault, she stopped having sex with you—you had no choice. But I’m not interested. If you can’t cobble together basic cooking skills and come up with boiled pasta and frozen garlic bread, I’m not interested.

So I guess I’m pretty picky which is why finding an LTR seems difficult. And we haven’t even begun to discuss the morals, values, ethics, and religion. And then of course, the physical chemistry. But honestly, if you can meet my criteria of being a grown man capable of functioning independently,
I’m sure the chemistry will be there.

You certainly have every right to your criteria, but this does not sound welcoming.

What is unwelcoming about this?

+2

She's looking for a man in his forties that can cook, maintain himself financially and logistically, isnt a slob, and isn't a commitmentphobe? This is basic.

I find this kind of sad. DW and I have different strengths, and we fill each other's gaps. In some areas we're both weak, and that sucks, but we get by. We like each other and have each other's back. The world out there sounds like a cold, hard place, if I could be rejected because I don't cook. The bit about rejecting a guy solely because his divorce left him short of money is sad too, if the OP has money.

NP: It’s great that you appreciate those qualities in a relationship. But having been thru a divorce I didn’t want to go thru another so I am way more picky.

Agree. I'm 48 and divorced. Quite frankly, I have a great dating life. I also have 2 kids and know that that is a lot for some guys. I can't date a guy who is not financially stable. I'm too old. They have to be able to hold their own. I also want a guy who can cook. After 19 years of marriage, if I never cook another day, it would be too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and I find it very hard to find someone for an LTR. I’m busy raising my kids, doing things I enjoy, and living my life. I’d love to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, go to an event with me, and yes, have sex with. But not at the expense of my kids.

They don’t need or want another father. They have one. I don’t want to be a step mom. I’ll assume that your kids already have a mom.

If you haven’t been married by your late 40s, I have to wonder why. I dated a great guy who cared for his physically disabled parents until they both passed away. That’s a good reason. But he was looking to get married. We stopped seeing each other last March but are still FB friends. He was engaged by Oct. I’m happy for him; he got what he wanted.

I don’t need or want your money but I do need you to be able to hold your own. If you got screwed in your divorce and have little to no money for things like going out to dinner, the theater, or a vacation, that’s not going to work. I don’t expect you to pay for me, but I also don’t expect to have to pay for you.

I don’t want to be responsible for you. If your house isn’t tidy, I’m not interested. If you cheated on your wife, I’m not interested. Yes I’m sure it was all her fault, she stopped having sex with you—you had no choice. But I’m not interested. If you can’t cobble together basic cooking skills and come up with boiled pasta and frozen garlic bread, I’m not interested.

So I guess I’m pretty picky which is why finding an LTR seems difficult. And we haven’t even begun to discuss the morals, values, ethics, and religion. And then of course, the physical chemistry. But honestly, if you can meet my criteria of being a grown man capable of functioning independently,
I’m sure the chemistry will be there.

You certainly have every right to your criteria, but this does not sound welcoming.

What is unwelcoming about this?

+2

She's looking for a man in his forties that can cook, maintain himself financially and logistically, isnt a slob, and isn't a commitmentphobe? This is basic.

I find this kind of sad. DW and I have different strengths, and we fill each other's gaps. In some areas we're both weak, and that sucks, but we get by. We like each other and have each other's back. The world out there sounds like a cold, hard place, if I could be rejected because I don't cook. The bit about rejecting a guy solely because his divorce left him short of money is sad too, if the OP has money.

NP: It’s great that you appreciate those qualities in a relationship. But having been thru a divorce I didn’t want to go thru another so I am way more picky.

Agree. I'm 48 and divorced. Quite frankly, I have a great dating life. I also have 2 kids and know that that is a lot for some guys. I can't date a guy who is not financially stable. I'm too old. They have to be able to hold their own. I also want a guy who can cook. After 19 years of marriage, if I never cook another day, it would be too soon.

So basically you gave your first husband your best and the next guy is supposed to settle for someone who won’t make him feel important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Agree. I'm 48 and divorced. Quite frankly, I have a great dating life. I also have 2 kids and know that that is a lot for some guys. I can't date a guy who is not financially stable. I'm too old. They have to be able to hold their own. I also want a guy who can cook. After 19 years of marriage, if I never cook another day, it would be too soon.

So basically you gave your first husband your best and the next guy is supposed to settle for someone who won’t make him feel important.

How did you get there from her post? She never said she wouldn't make him feel important. But she does want someone who can carry their own weight in the house. How is asking that from a man making them feel unimportant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Agree. I'm 48 and divorced. Quite frankly, I have a great dating life. I also have 2 kids and know that that is a lot for some guys. I can't date a guy who is not financially stable. I'm too old. They have to be able to hold their own. I also want a guy who can cook. After 19 years of marriage, if I never cook another day, it would be too soon.

So basically you gave your first husband your best and the next guy is supposed to settle for someone who won’t make him feel important.

How did you get there from her post? She never said she wouldn't make him feel important. But she does want someone who can carry their own weight in the house. How is asking that from a man making them feel unimportant?

Apparently she will never cook for him. She is also not interested in a partner to build things together. I have friends who were mid 40s male got hit hard in divorce and remarried much younger women and got a “do over” - the younger woman didn’t care about the low retirement account or rental apartment. They were in it together. Several years later those couples (two I know of) have really built a nice life together. That won’t happen with this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of the grocery list here— Ill give you that I have a list of requirements. I would never post a profile like that or rattle my criteria off on a date. But Im pretty good at weeding out guys that Im not interested in with a date or 2. On an anon forum, I’m happy to list them out.

Now this is a serious question— are any of my requirements that picky? Am I really asking for too much?

Yes, you are

Enjoy cat lady land

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Know what you want. You’ve been in a relationship before—what can you live with and what can’t you? And then don’t play games. On a date, I will talk about my love of cooking and name a few dishes I’ve made that week. That leads to do you enjoy cooking. He will then say the kitchen is for show, I eat out most nights, I make a mean bowl of cereal, etc. For the relationship part, I’m direct—what are you looking for? I don’t want to waste my time or their time if they’re trying to date as many women as possible. I’ll ask about their pet peeves—what annoys them? That usually leads to a conversation about feelings of tardiness, cleanliness, workaholism, etc. Ask what they like to do in their non work time— you will hopefully find some common interests. I’ve found that most guys ask me about my divorce first. So then I’ll ask them about theirs, their relationship with the kids and the ex. That usually starts the financial conversation. You have to talk about something on a date, might as well find out if this person is a good fit for you.

A date like you would be a boner killer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: And I don't always want to go out for dinner. It would be nice if he had the ability to cobble together a simple homemade meal that doesn't involve me.

Oh gawd, enuff already. How often do you make dinner for dates and what do you make them? Spaghetti and meatballs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of the grocery list here— Ill give you that I have a list of requirements. I would never post a profile like that or rattle my criteria off on a date. But Im pretty good at weeding out guys that Im not interested in with a date or 2. On an anon forum, I’m happy to list them out.

Now this is a serious question— are any of my requirements that picky? Am I really asking for too much?

Yes, you are

Enjoy cat lady land

Ok then. Please tell me which of my requirements are too picky and why? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Know what you want. You’ve been in a relationship before—what can you live with and what can’t you? And then don’t play games. On a date, I will talk about my love of cooking and name a few dishes I’ve made that week. That leads to do you enjoy cooking. He will then say the kitchen is for show, I eat out most nights, I make a mean bowl of cereal, etc. For the relationship part, I’m direct—what are you looking for? I don’t want to waste my time or their time if they’re trying to date as many women as possible. I’ll ask about their pet peeves—what annoys them? That usually leads to a conversation about feelings of tardiness, cleanliness, workaholism, etc. Ask what they like to do in their non work time— you will hopefully find some common interests. I’ve found that most guys ask me about my divorce first. So then I’ll ask them about theirs, their relationship with the kids and the ex. That usually starts the financial conversation. You have to talk about something on a date, might as well find out if this person is a good fit for you.

A date like you would be a boner killer

What do you talk about on your dates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Know what you want. You’ve been in a relationship before—what can you live with and what can’t you? And then don’t play games. On a date, I will talk about my love of cooking and name a few dishes I’ve made that week. That leads to do you enjoy cooking. He will then say the kitchen is for show, I eat out most nights, I make a mean bowl of cereal, etc. For the relationship part, I’m direct—what are you looking for? I don’t want to waste my time or their time if they’re trying to date as many women as possible. I’ll ask about their pet peeves—what annoys them? That usually leads to a conversation about feelings of tardiness, cleanliness, workaholism, etc. Ask what they like to do in their non work time— you will hopefully find some common interests. I’ve found that most guys ask me about my divorce first. So then I’ll ask them about theirs, their relationship with the kids and the ex. That usually starts the financial conversation. You have to talk about something on a date, might as well find out if this person is a good fit for you.

A date like you would be a boner killer

What do you talk about on your dates?

Not the PP, but I've noticed that women are increasingly treating dates like job interviews. I get that there is a "evaluation" element to dating, but some women are rather graceless about how they go about getting you to fill in the blanks for their mental checklist of "requirements from a man." There is an art to conversation and flirting that is increasingly overtaken by something that resembles a corporate merger negotiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Know what you want. You’ve been in a relationship before—what can you live with and what can’t you? And then don’t play games. On a date, I will talk about my love of cooking and name a few dishes I’ve made that week. That leads to do you enjoy cooking. He will then say the kitchen is for show, I eat out most nights, I make a mean bowl of cereal, etc. For the relationship part, I’m direct—what are you looking for? I don’t want to waste my time or their time if they’re trying to date as many women as possible. I’ll ask about their pet peeves—what annoys them? That usually leads to a conversation about feelings of tardiness, cleanliness, workaholism, etc. Ask what they like to do in their non work time— you will hopefully find some common interests. I’ve found that most guys ask me about my divorce first. So then I’ll ask them about theirs, their relationship with the kids and the ex. That usually starts the financial conversation. You have to talk about something on a date, might as well find out if this person is a good fit for you.

A date like you would be a boner killer

What do you talk about on your dates?

I agree, and I am a lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Know what you want. You’ve been in a relationship before—what can you live with and what can’t you? And then don’t play games. On a date, I will talk about my love of cooking and name a few dishes I’ve made that week. That leads to do you enjoy cooking. He will then say the kitchen is for show, I eat out most nights, I make a mean bowl of cereal, etc. For the relationship part, I’m direct—what are you looking for? I don’t want to waste my time or their time if they’re trying to date as many women as possible. I’ll ask about their pet peeves—what annoys them? That usually leads to a conversation about feelings of tardiness, cleanliness, workaholism, etc. Ask what they like to do in their non work time— you will hopefully find some common interests. I’ve found that most guys ask me about my divorce first. So then I’ll ask them about theirs, their relationship with the kids and the ex. That usually starts the financial conversation. You have to talk about something on a date, might as well find out if this person is a good fit for you.

A date like you would be a boner killer

What do you talk about on your dates?

I agree, and I am a lady.

Do give me some tips—what do you talk about on your dates.

[Anonymous]

I’ll give you some tips. Don’t talk about your intentions at all. Just talk about fun friendly things. Save that other stuff for later. If you have chemistry the conversation flows.

In fact when I was dating after my divorce, as a man, I found when I ended up talking about deep stuff of my divorce it was a sure sign there was no chemistry. And I unwittingly used that stuff as conversation filler. The woman I ended up with I can’t even recall our topics. Because I was too busy realizing I was making her laugh so much!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Agree. I'm 48 and divorced. Quite frankly, I have a great dating life. I also have 2 kids and know that that is a lot for some guys. I can't date a guy who is not financially stable. I'm too old. They have to be able to hold their own. I also want a guy who can cook. After 19 years of marriage, if I never cook another day, it would be too soon.

So basically you gave your first husband your best and the next guy is supposed to settle for someone who won’t make him feel important.

How did you get there from her post? She never said she wouldn't make him feel important.

Yeah, all she said was he'd be less important than her job, her kids, "doing things I enjoy, and living my life". Only an insecure manlet would feel unimportant based on that statement of priorities!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She wants a guy who will accept being fourth (after her kids, her job, and "doing things I enjoy") plus she doesn't want to pay any attention to his kids. Good luck with that.

3rd is more like it. He would come after my kids and my job. But hopefully, the things I enjoy doing would be similar to the things he enjoys doing. It would be great to do something together on date night, get a bite to eat, and then head to one of our homes. This probably falls under the values category, but I wouldn't want to date a man that doesn't put his kids before a new relationship or asks me to do so. The job thing is a grey area---he shouldn't skip out on work to date me but I also wouldn't want to date a workaholic. I never said I don't want to pay any attention to his kids, but I did say I'm not interested in becoming a step mother. I'm not interested in a blended family. I don't want to move my kids into your kids house or vice versa. The adult part of my life belongs to me and doesn't involve my kids. I'm certainly understanding when custody schedules change at the last minute, your kid makes the soccer playoffs and you have to cancel, your kid gets sick, etc. I want to date a man that prioritizes his children.

Anonymous wrote:I find this kind of sad. DW and I have different strengths, and we fill each other's gaps. In some areas we're both weak, and that sucks, but we get by. We like each other and have each other's back. The world out there sounds like a cold, hard place, if I could be rejected because I don't cook. The bit about rejecting a guy solely because his divorce left him short of money is sad too, if the OP has money.

I'm looking for basic skills--the ability to boil water and toast bread. I'm not looking for you to be able to make chateaubriand. When we're discussing what to do for the evening, if netflix and chill comes up, I don't always want to be the one responsible for making dinner. And I don't always want to go out for dinner. It would be nice if he had the ability to cobble together a simple homemade meal that doesn't involve me.

WOW. OP this sounds incredibly neurotic if not downright delusional. Real people aren't lists of arbitrary characteristics. The first date should primarily be about whether or not there is any basic chemistry or not. I suspect that you don't want to admit you're simply not physically attractive enough to get the.quality of men you believe you are entitled to, so you've made dating into an obstacle course which "they" are bound to fail. You can comfort yourself by the.delusion that it's them, not you. But any woman who would exclude a man simply because he doesn't cook is insane-but obviously you have a whole list of other things as well. If you don't want to be alone, I suggest you look for an older.fatter Balder poorer man who maybe doesn't cook, but.may nevertheless be a.perfectly fine human being, and be thankful if you can ever find.even one.willing to.put up with you.