19 year old daughter sleeping with man 9 years older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter goes to school in a big city and just revealed to me she has been sleeping/hooking up with a man 9 years older than her. She wanted to be honest with me and I'm trying to be understanding because her father is 10 years older than me. How should I go about reacting to this? I stayed calm on the phone but I want her to know that this is not something she should be pursuing right now.

I'd be curious to hear the justification for anything other than a neutral reaction at the very least. Generally, you can't help it. DD is an adult, and you should let her be an adult.

I have no clue why you would have a problem with an age difference that is smaller than in your relationship. What are your concerns?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

Good grief. Really? You think that a grad student in college is similar in maturity/experience to a HS kid?

Shockingly, yes. Even science says so. Let alone that fact that 26-year-olds desperately need mommy's health insurance LOL

[Anonymous]

Back in the day, the intentions of the man may have been a little more....traditional. He dated the younger woman with the expectation that they would become engaged and get married if they got serious about each other. And older guy dating a younger woman was more likely to be in it for the long haul. It wasn't always the case, but it often was the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Is he from Kenya?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It won’t last.

good. She's 19.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

Good grief. Really? You think that a grad student in college is similar in maturity/experience to a HS kid?

Shockingly, yes. Even science says so. Let alone that fact that 26-year-olds desperately need mommy's health insurance LOL

There is no shame in being a full time student working towards a degree and being on your parents' health insurance. That is a logistical necessity, not a sign of immaturity.

And it is totally beside the point in the Op's boyfriend's situation. Op's daughter is 19, her boyfriend is 9 years older - 19 + 9 = 28. So he isn't likely on his parents' health insurance.

[Anonymous]

My sister is 13 years younger than her husband. They met when she was a 19-yr-old college student and he was a 32-yr-old grad student TA in one of her classes. They started dating as soon as the class was over and have been together for 21 years now, married with two kids and a good life together. They are perfect for each other. Compatibility matters more than age.

[Anonymous]

dated a woman when I was 19, she was 7 years older. I was undergrad, she was grad (PhD ABD)

had fun off an on for a few years. been married for 20 years

not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

If the older man/woman is serving a steadying influence, encouraging their younger boyfriend/girlfriend to study and engage in healthy activities...if they truly care about each other and support each other - that is a positive, good relationship.

If the older person is simply reliving their own teenage years through the younger person and is influencing the younger person to do wild/risky things and neglect schoolwork, etc - that is a problem. Someone with 9 years more of life experience under their belt is going to hold an influential upper hand over the younger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

Good grief. Really? You think that a grad student in college is similar in maturity/experience to a HS kid?

Shockingly, yes. Even science says so. Let alone that fact that 26-year-olds desperately need mommy's health insurance LOL

There is no shame in being a full time student working towards a degree and being on your parents' health insurance. That is a logistical necessity, not a sign of immaturity.

And it is totally beside the point in the Op's boyfriend's situation. Op's daughter is 19, her boyfriend is 9 years older - 19 + 9 = 28. So he isn't likely on his parents' health insurance.

Awesome job missing the point completely! Nevermind.

[Anonymous]

I did this when I was younger and it was so much fun!! College aged guys are so immature and don't have money. Why not date an actual man and take advantage of all he has to offer? As long as your daughter doesn't get an std or pregnant she will have fun and learn a lot from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

Good grief. Really? You think that a grad student in college is similar in maturity/experience to a HS kid?

Shockingly, yes. Even science says so. Let alone that fact that 26-year-olds desperately need mommy's health insurance LOL

There is no shame in being a full time student working towards a degree and being on your parents' health insurance. That is a logistical necessity, not a sign of immaturity.

And it is totally beside the point in the Op's boyfriend's situation. Op's daughter is 19, her boyfriend is 9 years older - 19 + 9 = 28. So he isn't likely on his parents' health insurance.

Awesome job missing the point completely! Nevermind.

Yes. I am missing your point - whoosh, right over my head I'm afraid. Unless you are suggesting that the older guy is grabbing onto this young hottie in the hopes that she'll get a degree, a job and the ability to support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this when I was younger and it was so much fun!! College aged guys are so immature and don't have money. Why not date an actual man and take advantage of all he has to offer? As long as your daughter doesn't get an std or pregnant she will have fun and learn a lot from this.

One of the ways my ex paid for all the fun things we did was with my credit card. Guess who got to pay that bill. You think he did? Uh, no.

Op, tell your daughter that no matter what she does - Do Not Cosign anything. My ex tried to get me to cosign a car loan....all you have to do is sign right here... Thank God I refused.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what the big deal is. I dated someone with a similar gap, had some fun, and moved on. She should just use the same common sense involved in dating a 20-year-old - don't live together after two weeks, don't buy him expensive things, don't get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what the big deal is. I dated someone with a similar gap, had some fun, and moved on. She should just use the same common sense involved in dating a 20-year-old - don't live together after two weeks, don't buy him expensive things, don't get pregnant.

They are charming and your relationship with them becomes all consuming after a point - life with them is so exciting, fun, wild.

I was dating A LOT when I met him and having a ball. I loved going out with my friends. I didn't want to get tied down to just one guy. Then I met him at a college party and he walked me back to my dorm room. I didn't even give him my number but he found it listed on the master dorm list - which was taped to the wall. We wound up going out. I tried to break it off but he kept finding ways to talk to me....he begged me to talk to him, his heart was breaking and he couldn't think about anything, anyone else....it started off as an obsession on his part and I had never dealt with anything like that before. Not to that degree anyway. It was unnerving, sad and flattering all at the same time. Maybe if he got to know me a little better he would see that I was just a person....? It went from agreeing to talk to him, to agreeing to have dinner with him to agreeing to go out to a nightclub...and the next thing you know we were together and I was calling him and going over to his place.

FWIW, I dated other older guys when I was in school. They were good guys, we had fun and then we moved on. This was different.