19 year old daughter sleeping with man 9 years older

[Anonymous]

My daughter goes to school in a big city and just revealed to me she has been sleeping/hooking up with a man 9 years older than her. She wanted to be honest with me and I'm trying to be understanding because her father is 10 years older than me. How should I go about reacting to this? I stayed calm on the phone but I want her to know that this is not something she should be pursuing right now.

[Anonymous]

Tell her not to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

You need to MYOB with this.

[Anonymous]

Ooh I did this...I had an otherwise good head on my shoulders and it was something I just needed to live through. My parents wisely stayed out of it.

[Anonymous]

They are both adults. It's not that much older.

[Anonymous]

Is he married or one of her teachers? If not, all you say is "Thank you for telling me; I'm glad we have a good enough relationship where you feel like you can share things. So, what's he like?"

And then listen.

[Anonymous]

She is not a child she is an adult. Let her be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her not to get pregnant.

+1

Try not to freak out on her because a relationship with that big an age gap has the potential to become unhealthy due to power imbalance, and you don't want her to be in any way isolated from her family if it does. But emphasize that she needs to be on LTRC and double up to prevent STD's.

[Anonymous]

So you married someone 10 years older than you, but are panicking about your adult daughter hooking up with someone 9 years older? How is it any different if she were to hook up up a man 3 or 4 years older.

I agree with a poster who said: "dont get pregnant."

I don't see what the panic is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he married or one of her teachers? If not, all you say is "Thank you for telling me; I'm glad we have a good enough relationship where you feel like you can share things. So, what's he like?"

And then listen.

I like this.

[Anonymous]

Make sure she has an IUD and knows condoms prevent herpes.

The next step my mom would do is schedule a visit with the intent on meeting this man and smothering him in affection. Welcome him with WIDE OPEN ARMS. Don't say one negative word about him. Watch, wait, get to know him. Let your DD know you are a safe spot.

She'll dump him before Easter.

[Anonymous]

If you have a problem with it, you are a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married or one of her teachers? If not, all you say is "Thank you for telling me; I'm glad we have a good enough relationship where you feel like you can share things. So, what's he like?"

And then listen.

I like this.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he married or one of her teachers? If not, all you say is "Thank you for telling me; I'm glad we have a good enough relationship where you feel like you can share things. So, what's he like?"

And then listen.

I also like this.

I think that it's important to recognize that there is a difference between a 19yo in a relationship with a 29yo and a 29yo in a relationship with a 39yo. It's less about the age difference and more about where you both are in life. My husband is 7 years older than me. I am 36 and he is 43 and it's fine, not a big deal in the bigger picture. However, 19 and in college is pretty different from 26 and not in college, working, etc.

I think that your advice to your daughter is to make sure she is being safe and ask her where she sees the relationship going. If she's telling you about him, does she want to introduce you to him?