19 year old daughter sleeping with man 9 years older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what the big deal is. I dated someone with a similar gap, had some fun, and moved on. She should just use the same common sense involved in dating a 20-year-old - don't live together after two weeks, don't buy him expensive things, don't get pregnant.

They are charming and your relationship with them becomes all consuming after a point - life with them is so exciting, fun, wild.

I was dating A LOT when I met him and having a ball. I loved going out with my friends. I didn't want to get tied down to just one guy. Then I met him at a college party and he walked me back to my dorm room. I didn't even give him my number but he found it listed on the master dorm list - which was taped to the wall. We wound up going out. I tried to break it off but he kept finding ways to talk to me....he begged me to talk to him, his heart was breaking and he couldn't think about anything, anyone else....it started off as an obsession on his part and I had never dealt with anything like that before. Not to that degree anyway. It was unnerving, sad and flattering all at the same time. Maybe if he got to know me a little better he would see that I was just a person....? It went from agreeing to talk to him, to agreeing to have dinner with him to agreeing to go out to a nightclub...and the next thing you know we were together and I was calling him and going over to his place.

FWIW, I dated other older guys when I was in school. They were good guys, we had fun and then we moved on. This was different.

But how is that different than dating a 20-year-old? As you note, you dated other older guys with no problem, so why assume a problem as OP seems to be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what the big deal is. I dated someone with a similar gap, had some fun, and moved on. She should just use the same common sense involved in dating a 20-year-old - don't live together after two weeks, don't buy him expensive things, don't get pregnant.

They are charming and your relationship with them becomes all consuming after a point - life with them is so exciting, fun, wild.

I was dating A LOT when I met him and having a ball. I loved going out with my friends. I didn't want to get tied down to just one guy. Then I met him at a college party and he walked me back to my dorm room. I didn't even give him my number but he found it listed on the master dorm list - which was taped to the wall. We wound up going out. I tried to break it off but he kept finding ways to talk to me....he begged me to talk to him, his heart was breaking and he couldn't think about anything, anyone else....it started off as an obsession on his part and I had never dealt with anything like that before. Not to that degree anyway. It was unnerving, sad and flattering all at the same time. Maybe if he got to know me a little better he would see that I was just a person....? It went from agreeing to talk to him, to agreeing to have dinner with him to agreeing to go out to a nightclub...and the next thing you know we were together and I was calling him and going over to his place.

FWIW, I dated other older guys when I was in school. They were good guys, we had fun and then we moved on. This was different.

But how is that different than dating a 20-year-old? As you note, you dated other older guys with no problem, so why assume a problem as OP seems to be doing.

A kid my own age would have been living in a dorm with other kids our age. He would have had parents to answer to, an RA to deal with.....rules.

These older guys don't have the same rules. Most of them are good people - maybe they're a little inexperienced dating women so they feel more comfortable with younger women. I get that. It's the ones that come at you with an intensity and an all consuming - lift you out of this world and come into their world experience that are worries.

[Anonymous]

Make sure she has birth control. No judgment.

[Anonymous]

I did something like this when I was 20 or 21 and the guy was close to 30, I think. My parents wisely stayed out of it and it only lasted a few months. I would recommend going that route.

[Anonymous]

She's an adult. Hope she's on birth control

[Anonymous]

Younger women have been hooking up with older guys for centuries. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either party. They are both consenting adults. Grow up!

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter - a few years older, maybe 22 or 23 dating someone 12 years older. It was one of the best relationships I have ever had. Although you don't want to hear this, he taught me how to orgasm through sex, have fun outside of the bedroom and was an all around good guy. I often regret not marrying him. Leave her alone - if he is a good guy, it may be a good thing for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter - a few years older, maybe 22 or 23 dating someone 12 years older. It was one of the best relationships I have ever had. Although you don't want to hear this, he taught me how to orgasm through sex, have fun outside of the bedroom and was an all around good guy. I often regret not marrying him. Leave her alone - if he is a good guy, it may be a good thing for her.

Im a mom of an 11 year old and I think often about what I want for her. A good man is a good man, and if he is older, so be it. Knowing the age at this point tells you nothing. I hope my daughter shares the fact that she has lovers with me! I will want to know all about them. I hope she chooses well. I can only hope for the best!

My mom is dead and never saw the ramifications of marrying a childhood sweetheart close to my age who became an abusive mentally ill addict. Now I am remarried to a man three years younger. OP there is no telling ANYthing. Treat your daughter like an adult and if things dont work out she can trust and come to you. If you judge her, she wont trust you if something bad happens and she may need you the most.

[Anonymous]

It's weird.

Don't say anything yet, she will be defensive.

Get her therapy once it blows up in her face and she realizes she has a screw loose.

[Anonymous]

Op's daughter is only 19 and dating a 28 year old. If Op's daughter was 22 or 23 with a little life experience under her belt, that would be one thing.

But a freshman in college dating what amounts to a 10 year undergrad...that's a worry. And older guy like that going after a college freshman. I'd watch that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter goes to school in a big city and just revealed to me she has been sleeping/hooking up with a man 9 years older than her. She wanted to be honest with me and I'm trying to be understanding because her father is 10 years older than me. How should I go about reacting to this? I stayed calm on the phone but I want her to know that this is not something she should be pursuing right now.

sleeping? I wish people would quit using that as a euphemism to describe the fact they are, in consideration for this being the family forum, copulating.

[Anonymous]

The perfect age difference is 10 years. But the man needs money and an established career.

[Anonymous]

Tell her - not to get pregnant, not to catch any STD/STI, not to be abused in the relationship.

Make sure he has no power of authority over her - Professors, Dean, her Doctor etc. Make sure he is not married.

Ooh also make sure he does not run a strip club or produces porn or deal drugs.

Apart from that I think this is sort of ok.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the problem. The guy isn't even 30 yet. None of you know anything about him. OP's husband is 10 yrs older, so I don't understand her problem with it either. Been to any movies lately? Almost every single movie with a couple in it shows a 15-20 yr age gap--they just don't always mention it. Many have a 25+ year age gap. Point is, we're kind of conditioned to it in many ways.

http://www.digitalspy.com/movies/feature/g24362/creepiest-age-gap-romances-in-movies/?slide=9

[Anonymous]

OP, in these cases, the mentality of the older person is usually the problem.
I just hope that your daughter has the social skills to deal with potentially controlling or immature people.