19 year old daughter sleeping with man 9 years older

[Anonymous]

I hope he is generous with her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that she explicitly said she's sleeping with (as opposed to dating or seeing) him..

That's the weird thing in all of this.

I think many posters are not paying attention to this important detail. They are NOT dating, they are just having sex.

If you haven’t noticed, that’s what this generation does when they decide to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter goes to school in a big city and just revealed to me she has been sleeping/hooking up with a man 9 years older than her. She wanted to be honest with me and I'm trying to be understanding because her father is 10 years older than me. How should I go about reacting to this? I stayed calm on the phone but I want her to know that this is not something she should be pursuing right now.

M

What were the reasons you slept with someone 10 years older?

I know that I had a grandmother that did this and said she was desperate to get married because she was an orphan and poor

[Anonymous]

I did this at that age. And I absolutely wasn't looking to get married although months down the road we ended up getting engaged to appease my parents - who hated him and were trying to restrict me from seeing him during breaks. Didn't work - they still hated him and I still saw him.

I liked that he could get me into places (bars, nightclubs) that a boy my own age couldn't. He took me out to nice restaurants and knew where to go in downtown DC, Georgetown. He had an off campus apartment while guys my own age lived in dorms. His parents had a beach house and we took spur of the moment road trips to it during the off season.

He seemed very mature and savvy to me at the time. But looking back I can see how extremely irresponsible he was and how unwise it was for me to be with him.

Watch your daughter, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

Good grief. Really? You think that a grad student in college is similar in maturity/experience to a HS kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that she explicitly said she's sleeping with (as opposed to dating or seeing) him..

That's the weird thing in all of this.

Not sure it is weird - they likely aren’t dating.

[Anonymous]

I hooked up with several late-20s to mid-30s guys when I was 19-20. Never told my parents, though. They weren't "boyfriends", I knew it would never go anywhere, but I kept it up a long as everyone was getting something good from the situation.

I'd tell your DD you are happy that she was comfortable telling you, that you want to ensure she has access to reliable birth control and STD prevention, that she understands there are pitfalls in large-age-difference dating (if she is even seeing this as long term), but that you are happy if she is happy and you won't judge her for her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that she explicitly said she's sleeping with (as opposed to dating or seeing) him..

That's the weird thing in all of this.

Not sure it is weird - they likely aren’t dating.

Well no, that fact in itself isn't necessarily weird...but it's strange that, assuming that's the situation (just casual sex), she decided to share that with her mom. It's not like she plans to introduce her mom to her FWB, no? I've always been really close to my mom but would not have told her about some guy I was casually sleeping with, regardless of his age (...or mine, really)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that she explicitly said she's sleeping with (as opposed to dating or seeing) him..

I guess I thought that Op was focusing her concern on the fact that her daughter is having a sexual relationship with this older man. I'm assuming that they are doing more than just sleeping together and I am guessing that Op's daughter only mentioned this guy because she was starting to feel serious about him.

But maybe I'm way off with that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 17 years old and in my first year at university, my first boyfriend was 26. We lived together for 3 years and are still friends some 30 years later. I understand the age difference can sound shocking but don't jump to any conclusions about the guy, his motivations, how he treats your daughter, etc.

Shocking? I, for one, is not shocked. If your boyfriend had been 46 or even 36, well, that would be a cause for concern, but people mature so much later these days and, emotionally and culturally, there's not that much difference between a 17- and a 26-year-old.

Who are you hanging around with? There is a huge difference between 17 and 26. Any guy in the later half of his 20s dating a girl whose age ends in "teen" is creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met my second wife while taking college classes. I was a 46 yr old doing an exec MBA and she was a 23 yr old undergrad.

Ew.

[Anonymous]

Let her live her life. Just make sure she is safe (condoms, pill etc) so that she succeeds in her studies.

[Anonymous]

Biggest concerns would be STDs and pregnancy and how he treats her/what she sees in him.

I do think it's a huge difference at this age.

[Anonymous]

It won’t last.