I am sad today...need to vent. Tired of doing everything.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both worked in biglaw for 11 years. It was hell and almost wrecked our marriage. We have both now left and while we don't make what we used to, our HHI is north of $500k, which is more than enough! You should have a serious conversation about that your goals are in life. If you decide biglaw fits, then do as others have suggested and outsource, outsource, outsource.

[Anonymous]

Its not worth it.

You work and he could get another job making at least 100-150k. That's a comfortable lifestyle. Sell your house and downsize. You only get one life and your kids are only kids for a short time. Your DH sounds completely absent in their lives. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

My dad made a 7 figure salary growing up. I had everything I could have ever wanted. We went on lavish vacations. 75% of the time, my dad didnt come on them or he was working most of the time on them. I had a pretty envious life but I was always sad my dad was never around. I was always jealous of families on vacation together. Dads who went to games or who coached teams.

I really think you need to have a sit down with your gusnand and decide what's important. Is it the big house or spending time as a.family?

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to establish boundaries.

There are two possibilities:

1. Your DH is a partner or counsel (ie, secure in his position) and is using work as a way to avoid being at home. He might not even be doing this consciously (in fact, he probably isn't), but if being with the family has become MORE stressful than work - you're always giving him lists of things to do or feeling disconnected from him, the kids are always fighting - he's going to find an excuse to stay at work.

2. Your DH is a senior associate and he's trying to make partner. If this is the case, the two of you need to sit down and discuss what exactly his firm is looking for in a partner (not all actually want insane billable hours, many simply want the hours met, plus exceptional work, building client relationships, etc) and how long you expect this craziness to last. Is he 1 year out from being evaluated? 2 years? Can you hang in there that long, knowing that this is temporary? Can he acknowledge that this will NOT go on forever?

Then you and your DH need to sit down together and decide what is an acceptable amount of work, and he needs to establish and enforce those boundaries. How many nights a week do you need him home for dinner/bedtime? How much time should he be there on weekends? Etc.

Finally, you need to think about what YOU need to help YOU manage with the rest. Being a big law spouse does, frequently, mean being responsible for 99% of the "stuff." Even if you are very good at managing things at work, it can be hard to organize stuff with the kids and at home because instead of discrete projects it's a million individual random things to do. You need to brainstorm (or google for ideas) a new system for managing everything so that you do not feel so overwhelmed by it all. You need to hire help WITHOUT your husband's approval (and he needs to recognize that's part of the deal). And you need to figure out a way to recharge yourself so that you can be a better parent when you are with the kids.

You should not have to deal with an absent husband, and I am 100% sympathetic. You also should not feel powerless. It is hard, but there are things you can do to make it better (other than telling your DH to get a new job). People do make it work.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

^^ Just wanted to add a more personal note, having seen some of the comments just before mine, that I hate when people make it about the job versus the lifestyle.

My dad had a similar job and high income, and it took me years to realize that he didn't NEED to be working insane hours (and missing family vacations, and dinner every night) in order to be making the money he made. He was doing it to avoid us. He was doing it because work became, at a certain point, easier than his family. He was a workaholic. He loved work more than he loved his kids, or my mom.

People really miss the point when they simply tell people in your position that DH should get a different job. Maybe. Maybe he should. But that's not necessarily the main thing that is going on here. (And as I'm not saying he's avoiding you, I'm saying it's more complicated than "the job" that holds him against his will and if only he had a new "job" he'd be happy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sure he can get another job. But it won’t pay even half of his salary now. And we have a mortgage that is based on his current salary. Ideally in a few years we can revisit that option.
And to the pp that asked. No we have no family here at all. All are 4 hours or more away.
And to the pp that said to stop whining and “I knew what I was signing up for”. You know things always seem more manageable before kids. He actually worked even more than and it was totally fine. So yeah. The hypothetical and reality are two different things. We have been together since we were 19. Sure I knew what I was signing up for-but should I have not married the man I love because he has a demanding job? Come on.
But yeah. I’m just going to hire someone and he will have to be ok with it.

Downsize your lives. Then he gets a new job. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

+1

If you want to live large you have to pay the price and suck it up. No sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Law is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what selling your soul for money looks like. Sure you're loaded and have a nice house, but your life sounds miserable. Your husband is an absent father and your kids are going to grow up feeling the effects of that.

yep. and at a minimum, OP deserves to at least get a babysitter and housecleaner out of it!

OP I do emphathize with you, but if you aren't willing to assert yourself, nobody can help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Sure he can get another job. But it won’t pay even half of his salary now. And we have a mortgage that is based on his current salary.

That was pretty stupid.

[Anonymous]

Why are you working? You must have some childcare for when you work, so just quit, catch up on things when the kids are in the care program, you probably don't have to tell your husband because he won't even notice that you're not working

[Anonymous]

Welcome to motherhood. Unlike you or others here, we couldn't afford babysitters or a housekeeper. You have choices.

I survived. You will too.

I had no family help and I did it while chronically ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big Law sucks. And it's a slow realization sometimes, and it is hard to see that before kids. BUT, I have little sympathy for anyone over the age of 28 who still falls into the golden handcuffs trap. Basically, you can't have it both ways - the great salary and an involved co-patent.

Is he a partner? Or a senior associate on partner track?

Long term - he needs to set boundaries and/or you need to move to a house you can afford on half his salary. The problem with Big Law is if you've set the expectation that you respond to emails right away, that's what clients and partners expect. If he's not specialized enough and isn't a partner, he may not be able to set these boundaries now because the clients and partners think he's fungible. But, that also means he may not be likely to make partner and will have to find a new job soon. If he's partner - he may end up making less of a draw.

Mid term - don't have another baby.

Short term - set up interviews with babysitters and tell him he can either make the time, or suck it up. You have to set boundaries too.

Big law associate (part-time, mommy tracked, but a specialist so who knows what the hell will happen) who is the primary breadwinner and still does bedtime solo at least half the week. We bought a house with a mortgage that was half the amount we were approved for and have one kid.

+1

I would also add even when you have an involved husband, it's crazy how many things are on the to-do list with kids. There were times I felt like my life was one giant to-do list to the point I wasn't enjoying anything. You have to question at a certain point, "what the heck am I doing". Sometimes I feel the answer is to take breaks (we don't do any children activities during the summer other than their summer camps), I stopped doing big birthday parties after the age of 5 and only did small ones every other year. I also made some changes ages with my job. So basically you have to set some of your own boundaries with so much extra stuff you take on and when you are willing to do so and make sure within the list of things you find time to have fun and something you enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you working? You must have some childcare for when you work, so just quit, catch up on things when the kids are in the care program, you probably don't have to tell your husband because he won't even notice that you're not working

Probably because she needs that outlet. Not everyone works only for the paycheck. Maybe in her heart she knows this marriage might not work and needa one foot in thr professional world. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Just wanted to add a more personal note, having seen some of the comments just before mine, that I hate when people make it about the job versus the lifestyle.

My dad had a similar job and high income, and it took me years to realize that he didn't NEED to be working insane hours (and missing family vacations, and dinner every night) in order to be making the money he made. He was doing it to avoid us. He was doing it because work became, at a certain point, easier than his family. He was a workaholic. He loved work more than he loved his kids, or my mom.

People really miss the point when they simply tell people in your position that DH should get a different job. Maybe. Maybe he should. But that's not necessarily the main thing that is going on here. (And as I'm not saying he's avoiding you, I'm saying it's more complicated than "the job" that holds him against his will and if only he had a new "job" he'd be happy).

(I'm the PP here who had a dual biglaw marriage and I ended up becoming a SAHM.) This comment above resonates with me. My DH was working insane hours. Then someone said, "You have to make your DH want to come home." I thought about that and realized, whenever he came home, I gave him the second shift. I was friggen exhausted and lonely and he'd walk in and I'd hand him a baby, or over the weekend have him fix something in the house. Why would he want to come home early, for MORE hours of the second shift, when he could stay at work, where he had a crew of attorneys working for him, doing whatever he asked?

So I stopped asking him do do things, and made it nice for him to come home. I've told this story before and I get flamed for it every time, but I hope you read this OP because you know, in life, you don't do what's fair, you do what works. And this worked. Hugs at the door, dinner ready, and any house repair done because I had hired a handyman. He started to come home earlier. And he started to bring work home. He started to be happier and more engaged, and I became happier and less lonely. The flamers don't understand that by doing the thing that in the moment looks like more work, you create a situation that over time gives you less work. "Making it nice for him to come home" is really creating a foundation for YOU to have a better life; the work is short term, the payoff is in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you working? You must have some childcare for when you work, so just quit, catch up on things when the kids are in the care program, you probably don't have to tell your husband because he won't even notice that you're not working

Probably because she needs that outlet. Not everyone works only for the paycheck. Maybe in her heart she knows this marriage might not work and needa one foot in thr professional world. Who knows.

Sorry she needs to make a different sacrifice. I don't get to pursue startups b/c it would be too disruptive to the family and make my spouse a potential breadwinner. We all make compromises for kids, and working for ego seems short sighted. Together since 19, I'm sure she believes this marriage is for life